First off, a huge shout-out to Lars and T for holding down the fort while I was away on vacation. But I'm back now, and I'm better than ever, baby!!! A few items of business: 1) I am aware that, for some of you, an evil little computer virus attempts to attack your machine when you log on to the website. I am insanely sorry for that and am begging the powers that be to get it resolved. 2) I'M BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! />...

So, kids, something very, very strange is about to happen around here. Something that has never, ever happened in the entire history of this site: I'm taking a vacation tomorrow. Not an I-go-to-somewhere-other-than-LA-and-blog-from-there vacation, but an I-don't-blog-at-all vacation. I know, you guys. I'm scared, too. But I haven't taken any manner of vacation in nearly two years, and I think it's important I do this. For my mental health. Seriously. Writing about Paris Hilton every goddamn day of your life for two years takes its toll on a person. My therapist feels this break is crucial. You think I'm joking ... But you won't be left alone!! If you were a reader in the early days of this site, you might remember Mr. Spiteful Lars, who used to blog for us regularly until he became way too important to do that. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I fired his ass. No, I'm still kidding. Anyway. Lars will be around to keep you guys posted. He's a very funny man and has pretty consistently managed to come to my rescue each and every time I need him to, so try to play nice with him, okay? I will be back next week, at which point you'll all probably be attached to Lars and leave all sorts of comments like "WHERE THE FUCK IS LARS??? YOU SUCK BEET!!!" which will undo any de-stressing I may have accomplished during my vacation. So thanks in advance. But anyway. I love you guys dearly and will miss you. xoxo, Beet />So, kids, something very, very strange is about to happen around here. Something that has never, ever happened in the entire history of this site: I'm taking a vacation tomorrow. Not an I-go-to-somewhere-other-than-LA-and-blog-from-there vacation, but an I-don't-blog-at-all vacation. I know, you guys. I'm scared, too. But I haven't taken any manner of vacation in nearly two years, and I think it's important I do this. For my mental health. Seriously. Writing about Paris Hilton every god...

Kiefer Sutherland was released from jail just after midnight on Monday, after serving his entire 48-day sentence, which stemmed from his arrest last year for his fourth DUI. How long do ya'll think it'll be before he gets another? {democracy:15}...

Paris and Christine Lakin (yes, you know her -- she was "Al" on Step by Step) show up at TAO at Sundance to promote their new film, The Hottie and the Nottie. If you hadn't guessed, Paris plays the Hottie and Christine plays the Nottie. Something tells me that Paris would have turned down the flick if she'd been cast as the Nottie. You can check out the film's trailer here. ...