So each and every day, my boss does an exceptional job of not firing me -- and preventing others from firing me -- when I do things I'm not supposed to do, like run sex tapes and photos of penises and vaginas and nipples and other body parts that your kindergarten teacher told you represented one-half of a "bad touch." Now it's time for you to do something nice for him. Please take this (very very brief) survey about who you are, dear Evil Beet reader. Oh, and also: I asked for the password to the survey account under the guise of wanting to add a question asking how you guys heard about Evil Beet, but then I made a bunch of other changes that no one is going to appreciate but me (and possibly you guys, but definitely not my management). Ha ha, I crack myself up. Anyway, please please PLEASE take the survey. It'll win me big brownie points, which I will need after what I did to the survey. />So each and every day, my boss does an exceptional job of not firing me -- and preventing others from firing me -- when I do things I'm not supposed to do, like run sex tapes and photos of penises and vaginas and nipples and other body parts that your kindergarten teacher told you represented one-half of a "bad touch." Now it's time for you to do something nice for him. Please take this (very very brief) survey about who you are, dear Evil Beet reader. Oh, and also: I asked for the passwo...

Ha ha ha. I'm totally kidding. It blows huge monkey cock. It's called "Summertime," but it should have been called "We Never Should Have Attempted a Comeback. This Is Embarrassing. Baby." Click here to listen. ...

Playboy Enterprises posted a quarterly loss on Tuesday, because of weaker publishing and domestic television revenue and forecast more trouble during the year, pushing its shares down 8 percent. Says its CEO, Christine Hefner (Hugh's daughter): "Our publishing and domestic entertainment businesses continue to face unprecedented change in the way consumers access and use media content." Translation: "Porn is free on the Internet now. That sort of fucks up our whole selling-porn-in-a-magazine busin...

While Kevin Federline will retain primary custody of Jayden and Sean, Britney Spears has received more visitation time with the kiddos, although the exact amount of time has not been disclosed. "We are so pleased with Britney's progress and we are very appreciative of the court's recognition of this progress," said Jamie and Lynne Spears, who were in court supporting their daughter. Kevin's mouthpiece, Elliot Mintz, says that Kevin was "extremely pleased with how things went today." Kevin's lawyer gave props to Britney's dad for helping to pull her shit together. Says Mark Vincent Kaplan: "We all know over the last few months what was a seemingly daily situation in extreme flux has been stabilized. We see there are not daily events occurring that made it very difficult to have any kind of grounding or believing that an environment that was best for the children was consistent across both homes." Way to go, Britster! Keep it up! />While Kevin Federline will retain primary custody of Jayden and Sean, Britney Spears has received more visitation time with the kiddos, although the exact amount of time has not been disclosed. "We are so pleased with Britney's progress and we are very appreciative of the court's recognition of this progress," said Jamie and Lynne Spears, who were in court supporting their daughter. Kevin's mouthpiece, Elliot Mintz, says that Kevin was "extremely pleased with how things went today." Ke...

Britney was spotted crying outside the courtroom during a break in the hearings today!

About an hour into the hearing, [Judge] Gordon took a quick recess, during which Spears was seen outside of the court room, visibly upset, her eyes watery. While she wasn't crying in the hallway, it appears as though she may have been crying inside the court. Several minutes later, Spears emerged again, holding Berk's hand and appearing as if she had been sobbing. Gordon called for a break around 11:40, so that he could hear other cases.

Oh Britney!!! It's gonna be okay, baby!!! />Britney was spotted crying outside the courtroom during a break in the hearings today! About an hour into the hearing, [Judge] Gordon took a quick recess, during which Spears was seen outside of the court room, visibly upset, her eyes watery. While she wasn't crying in the hallway, it appears as though she may have been crying inside the court. Several minutes later, Spears emerged again, holding Berk's hand and appearing as if she had been sobbing. Gordon called for a break around 11:40, so that h...

Britney Spears arrived at court just after 8 am for a progress review in her custody hearing. HAPPY DAY!!! (Kevin's there too.) YAY BRITNEY!!!! />...

In the Battle of Sibling Hotness, it looks like the Ashleys are coming out on top. I've been talking constantly about how amazing Ashley Olsen looks lately, while Mary-Kate still looks like she collects cans on the side of the street and uses the proceeds to buy heroin (only one-half of that statement is false), and it seems like Maxim magazine agrees with me. They've voted Ashley the #47 on their "Hot 100" list, while Mary-Kate didn't make the list at all. Meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson rin...

Ever since John and Jennifer Aniston hooked up two weekends ago, rumors have been swirling that she's smitten as hell, texting and emailing John to beg him to come back to Miami and see her. But John's in NYC, reportedly still banging everything that walks. From Page Six: A source in New York saw Mayer, a notorious horndog, out at 1Oak Friday night with Adam Levine, and Mayer "was all over some blond girl." Mayer later asked the DJ to play some R. Kelly songs so "we can dance with ou...

This is such a dumb publicity stunt. On Tuesday night, Dina Lohan will be honored by a Long Island-based "charity," the Mingling Moms Organization, as a "Top Mom." The term "charity" is used extremely loosely here, as I checked out their website (I'm not linking to it because I refuse to help drive traffic there), and it appears to be mostly a social club. They charge for attendance at their luncheons, which are "so unique because we are the only luncheon/lecture series designed especially for mo...

I guess you can't blame a girl for trying. Audrina recently left her former talent agency, UTA, and moved to the Agency for Performing Arts, where I suppose she's hoping to get a little more attention from the smaller agency. Says her new agent: "We only just started working with her, but are already in talks for a feature film ... She wants to do other things besides stay in that reality space. We are going to be getting her some television roles outside of The Hills, if they allow it. A lot of it is going to depend on what The Hills will be signing off on." ...

On Monday, Prince Harry received a medal for his efforts in Afghanistan. Later, with girlfriend Chelsy Davy at his side, he attended a service of remembrance and thanksgiving at the Holy Trinity Church. Harry's finally starting to lose his little-boy looks and that innocent twinkle in his eye. He's turning into a man, and it's a lot of fun to watch. [gallery]...

Patrick, my love, my precious, darling Jean-Luc. I would ride that ridiculous mustache into the sunset. Let's set our engines to Warp 69, baby. ...