Here's Paris and Nicky "I Only Look Anorexic at Bad Camera Angles" Hilton at -- you guessed it -- Sober Day USA 2008! I'm not freakin' kidding, you guys. The name of this event is "Sober Day USA 2008." Which makes a lot of sense, since we all know that Paris Hilton has never done drugs. And Nicky is the goddamn picture of mental health right now. Since mental health is inversely proportional to BMI. You know, I don't expect much from Paris, but I'm somehow disappointed that she does...

Honestly, Jamie, I don't have a lot of experience, but I'm fairly certain that we could hire my dog to style you and come out with better results. Right now it looks like he puked on your shower curtain and you wore it on the red carpet, so I don't think we have any way to go down from here. I mean, John Mayer looks like he just stepped off the set of Grease and he looks better than you do. You're single now, Jamie. You can't get away with this shit anymore. Hire a stylist, baby. Everyone ...

So my girlfriends and I went to the Missy Higgins show tonight. Missy was amazing -- she looked adorable on stage, and she has such an incredible voice! It was so great to be there and to watch her. I hope she takes the U.S. by storm, as she deserves to. Afterward, we started talking about giardia -- because none of us has children, but we all have dogs. So we started talking about our "kids" and giardia and how it was transfered via fecal matter. And somehow Paris Hilton came out of that -- go figure. And one of the girls was like "Did anyone actually hear that whole CD?" and I was like "Um, I wrote a review." And she was like "Were there any other good songs?" and granted it had been a long night at that point but I was like, "Uh, 'Screwed' was actually pretty good" and then we came home and the girls were pretty trashed and we were trying to figure out how to score weed but we didn't even know what to call it, because we're old and everything, and so one of my girlfriends texted her 19-year-old cousin like "What do the cool kids call weed?" and the cousin was like "Mini-H" and we were like "What does that even stand for?" and her cousin was like "Why should I know? I just smoke it, I'm not running the goddamn marketing department," but it turned out someone had a boyfriend who had weed so we scored that and the girls got stoned for the first time in like 5 years. And everyone was like "How are you digging that mini-H?" and it was very funny. Does anyone know what "Mini-H" means? I'm such a senior citizen. Anyway. Then we listened to Paris's CD for like two hours and everyone was like "Man, her voice is even worse when you're stoned. It's, like, separate, and it's awful." And we talked about how awful Paris is when you're stoned for like an hour. Or maybe 20 seconds. Who knows? So, ladies and gentleman: Paris Hilton, "Screwed." /> So my girlfriends and I went to the Missy Higgins show tonight. Missy was amazing -- she looked adorable on stage, and she has such an incredible voice! It was so great to be there and to watch her. I hope she takes the U.S. by storm, as she deserves to. Afterward, we started talking about giardia -- because none of us has children, but we all have dogs. So we started talking about our "kids" and giardia and how it was transfered via fecal matter. And somehow Paris Hilton came out of that -...

"We're delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends," says their publicist. Shocker. She's soooo preggers....

Has it really been a full year since her 21st? My, how the time flies. Lindsay Lohan's 22nd birthday party is currently looking for sponsors. I sent the guy an email. Let's see how we can get involved here. ...

Here's the first round of pics from Britney Spears' Costa Rican vacation (with Mel Gibson!), and they have tongues a-waggin' because she looks like she could possibly be pregnant. She's not pregnant, people. She's just put on some weight. I mean -- she's not pregnant, right? She couldn't possibly be pregnant, right? I mean, she's freakin' smoking in these pics. Right??? [gallery] [Images via Splash]...

Preggers Angelina decided to change into her bathing suit on the balcony of her French villa. Of course, the paparazzi and their long-range lenses decided to capture the moment for all eternity. That's right: blurry Angelina Jolie nipple. Now, I'm currently being extremely well-behaved so that nice brands will be willing to advertise on my website (don't worry, guys, this is only temporary) so I'm sending you over to my good friend at Celebitchy to see the actual [NSFW] pics. ...

Lindsay and girlfriend SamRo carrying groceries back to Samantha's house after shopping at a local market. I'm sure those bags are chock-full of fresh produce and lean meats! No liquor at all!...

Sorry posting has been slow today, you guys. Nope, still no boyfriend to distract me from my love affair with blogging; rather, my Internet connection's on the fritz. Fortunately there's one nearby I can steal (an Internet connection, not a boyfriend), but it's pretty crappy, and it takes like 10 tries to do anything right (just like a boyfriend). Anyway. Surveillance helicopters have spotted white tents in the back yard of the Simpson household, so it looks like Ashlee is for sure ge...

Here's the video of Ellen announcing that she and Portia De Rossi are getting married. The look on Portia's face is priceless. She's so excited! CUTENESS! />...