On Saturday, Pamela Anderson hosted her 43rd birthday party at Tao in Las Vegas, where she was, as best I can tell, completely fucking blitzed and trying to initiate a makeout session with a cake shaped like a black man's penis wearing a fifth-grader's piano recital dress. (Seriously, what is that cake supposed to be?)
That same day, Carmen Electra, age 38, hosted a night at the Rio. I assume, based on her brief marriage to Dennis Rodman, it was Carmen who explained to the staff at Tao what it looks like when a black man's penis is dressed in a fifth-grader's piano recital dress.
Carmen had her beau Rob Patterson in tow (that's Patterson, the former guitarist from Korn, although I would give my left arm for Carmen Electra to date Rob Pattinson. Which could, ya know, happen, because Pattinson's announced plans to systematically fuck anything that walks.)
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{democracy:17}
[gallery] />On Saturday, Pamela Anderson hosted her 43rd birthday party at Tao in Las Vegas, where she was, as best I can tell, completely fucking blitzed and trying to initiate a makeout session with a cake shaped like a black man's penis wearing a fifth-grader's piano recital dress. (Seriously, what is that cake supposed to be?)
That same day, Carmen Electra, age 38, hosted a night at the Rio. I assume, based on her brief marriage to Dennis Rodman, it was Carmen who explained to the staff at Tao what it lo...
Brett Domino and Steven Peavis perform a medley of Justin Timberlake hits using assorted miniature instruments and lap tray travel bags (Trabasacks - for more info go to http://www.trabasack.co.uk ).
The medley includes:
SEXYBACK (written by Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, Nate "Danja" Hills)
LIKE I LOVE YOU (written by Justin Timberlake, Pharrell Williams, Chad Hugo, Terrence Thornton, Gene Thornton)
LOVESTONED (written by Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, Nate "Danja" Hills).
Performed on:
Stylophone Beatbox, iPod Touch (using DigiDrummer Lite), Kazoo, Thumb Piano, Shaker, Stylophone, Cowbell, Recorder, Ukulele, Theremin, Spoons, and Roland AX-Synth.
This is so brilliant. How have I not seen this before? Oh, right, because the Internet is supersaturated with the cumulative and overwhelming creative genius of an entire planet, to the point that it's become an near-indifferentiable mass of everything that's pure and inimitable about humanity.
It's a beautiful thing. />
From the YouTube description:
Brett Domino and Steven Peavis perform a medley of Justin Timberlake hits using assorted miniature instruments and lap tray travel bags (Trabasacks - for more info go to http://www.trabasack.co.uk ).
The medley includes:
SEXYBACK (written by Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, Nate "Danja" Hills)
LIKE I LOVE YOU (written by Justin Timberlake, Pharrell Williams, Chad Hugo, Terrence Thornton, Gene Thornton)
LOVESTONED (written by Justin Timberlake, Timbalan...
I think I speak for most women when I say that. Don't even lie, ladies.
Did you guys catch the premiere of his dating show, The Ultimate Catch, last night? I swear, of all the reality TV dating shows I've watched over the course of my life (and there have been many, I'm sad to admit), I have always been kind of like "What are these girls fighting over? This dude sucks." Like, Jake Pavelka? He's a decent-looking guy, but about as exciting as that final World Cup game. (OMG U GUYS I MADE A SPORTS REFERENCE! Also: I only know that the game was boring because people were talking about it on Twitter. Actually: I know that the game was boring because the game was soccer.)
I did have a marginal crush on Andrew Firestone back in the day, when I was young and naive and stupid, and before one of my friends actually slept with him and told me he's a total snoozefest.
But now: Chad Ochocinco! I'm in love. I'm totally smitten. He's unbelievably fucking sexy, he's smart, he's crazy ambitious, he's funny, he's charming, he's interesting, he doesn't even drink, and he seems genuinely invested in treating other people with respect. Did I mention that he's unbelievably fucking sexy?
Oh, Chad Ochocinco. I love everything I've seen of you so far, and I assume I'll like the parts I haven't seen even better. Can we go on a date soon please? Can we go on a date in your bedroom? You can pick me up at 7. Pick me up and do anything you want with me.
I love you.
[gallery] />VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip
I think I speak for most women when I say that. Don't even lie, ladies.
Did you guys catch the premiere of his dating show, The Ultimate Catch, last night? I swear, of all the reality TV dating shows I've watched over the course of my life (and there have been many, I'm sad to admit), I have always been kind of like "What are these girls fighting over? This dude sucks." Like, Jake Pavelka? He's a decent-looking guy, but about as exciting a...
This afternoon, Judge Marsha Revel (who cares about Lindsay Lohan) sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 90 days in jail followed by 90 days in an inpatient rehab as a result of probation violations stemming from her 2007 DUI. The prosecutor, Danette Meyers (who cares about Lindsay Lohan), told the judge that Lindsay has been consistently skipping her alcohol ed classes and disrespecting the judge's orders.
Her father, Michael Lohan (who cares about Michael Lohan and never about Lindsay Lohan), wrote a letter to the court begging the judge not to send his daughter to jail but rather to a private inpatient rehab. Because, ya know, 30 days of inpatient have worked so well for Lindsay the past four times she's tried it.
Lindsay broke down crying in the courtroom, after telling the judge that she did the best she could to comply with orders. The judge had no mercy for her; Lindsay is expected to report for her 90 days in jail on July 20. Something tells me she'll be doing more than the 84 minutes she served for an offense back in 2007.
Look, all I have to say is THANK GOD. I'm so relieved about this. And it's not because I hate Lindsay Lohan. It's because I love Lindsay Lohan. It's because I have such a deep fondness for her. It's because I've watched her grow up and I've watched her struggle and I've watched her hate and be hated and use and be used and fall in and out of courtrooms and bars and scandals and it all feels so exhausting and cyclical and doomed. My heart breaks for her again and again. This poor kid never had a chance. She was set up to fail.
All I want in the whole wide world for Lindsay Lohan is for someone to force her to actually spend six months sober and take a good hard look at the insanity that has become her life. And maybe, just maybe, for her to have the opportunity to surrender to all this, just stop fighting, and change the way she lives. I don't want a dead Lindsay Lohan on my hands. I want a healthy, happy Lindsay Lohan on my hands, so that I can make fun of her outfits and her hair extensions and her albums for decades to come.
Lindsay, thank your lucky goddamn stars that someone in this world decided to step the fuck up and try to save your life. I hope you serve a full 90 days in jail and then I hope you do a full 90 days at an inpatient and I hope it changes you in all the ways you have fought so hard to not be changed. I hope what feels like the end can turn out to be your beginning.
[gallery] />This afternoon, Judge Marsha Revel (who cares about Lindsay Lohan) sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 90 days in jail followed by 90 days in an inpatient rehab as a result of probation violations stemming from her 2007 DUI. The prosecutor, Danette Meyers (who cares about Lindsay Lohan), told the judge that Lindsay has been consistently skipping her alcohol ed classes and disrespecting the judge's orders.
Her father, Michael Lohan (who cares about Michael Lohan and never about Lindsay Lohan), wrote a letter ...
DAYUM!!!!!
At least she got some better extensions out of the whole deal.
Start around the 6:00 mark. That's when it gets REALLY good.
Thanks to our friends at FuckedInParkSlope.com for the link. />
DAYUM!!!!!
At least she got some better extensions out of the whole deal.
Start around the 6:00 mark. That's when it gets REALLY good.
Thanks to our friends at FuckedInParkSlope.com for the link. ...
That's true! It's does! Good catch, you.
Evil Beet hasn't had a facelift in about three years, and that's already twice what Joan Rivers would tolerate, so we decided to snazz it up a bit. I put together a brief FAQ for you guys to minimize freakout.
Q: I hate it.
A: I know you do.
Q: I'm personally offended by these changes. You've really crossed the line this time, Beet. I'm never coming back.
A: Thank you for sharing.
Q: You are such a famewhore. You're fat and you try too hard. Also, I hate the new site.
A: OK. Let's address that last part. If there's something specific you don't like about the new site, or something that doesn't work correctly, and you want to talk about it to someone who has any say at all in whether it changes (read: me), you should leave it angrily in the comments of every postemail me directly, in all caps, having carefully selected the perfect emoticons to convey your anger press the big blue button on the side that says "Feedback" and leave your suggestion or rant.
Q: Something about the new site is broken.
A: See the response above.
Q: Why did you change from Disqus commenting back to WordPress commenting?
A: We're having some issues integrating Disqus into the new design. Also, Disqus seemed to allow in more spam than WordPress comments. But it also had a lot of great features that I liked and that you guys used. If you have opinions on whether you'd like to go back to Disqus comments, please click the Feedback badge on the side and let me know. We will continue to work on integrating Disqus with the new theme if it's a priority for you guys. Comment threading will be all screwy for the comments that were created when we were using Disqus. For that, I apologize. I am working on it.
Q: Why did you change this site and not Zelda Lily? Is it because you hate Zelda Lily? Is that because you hate women? Why do you always pretend to be a feminist when you don't parrot any of the traditional, outdated feminist ideology? I hate you.
A: The same design changes will be rolled out to Zelda Lily later this week with help from its very talented managing editor, Sarah Spangenberg, and the harem of phenomenal writers she's amassed, and it's gonna blow y'all's fuckin' minds.
Q: Rather than complain, I would like to use the new site as it was intended. How might this be possible?
A. Oh dear. I wasn't expecting that. Let me think. Well, we've made it really easy for you to "Like" a story using your Facebook account. If you want to go one step further, and share the story on your Facebook page or on your Twitter account or by email, the call-out buttons that follow a story make it really, really easy to do that. (If you run into problems trying to do that, please mention it to me using the Feedback badge.) The Featured stories along the top and side of the site make it easier for you to scan quickly the biggest stories of the past couple of days and decide which ones you want to read. We hope that this leads to an all-around cooler and more social experience for the reader. I wanted to offer the readership a lot of the advantages of a large website while staying true to our roots as a blog. I like being a blog and I want us to stay a blog.
Q: Who did all this awesome work?
A: The logo is the same Evil Beet logo we've been using since forever. It was designed by my friend and former roommate Anna Knoell, who is an absolute genius as a graphic designer, and I would tell you all to hire her, except she got way too important for graphic design and is currently on a full ride to study architecture at Princeton, where she was one of the 0.05% of applicants accepted. (All together now: "Congratulations, Anna! You are smarter than all of us put together!") Despite how phenomenally important she is becoming, when I emailed her, panicked, like, "Anna! Remember that girl in the bikini that you drew for me three years ago?? I need the vector file. Do you still have it?", she was like "Yes, it's right here" and sent it over. When Anna was my roommate, I made fun of her (I may have rolled around on the ground laughing for awhile to drive my point home) when she organized her book shelf by color, and sat there for hours with her best friend, mulling over which book cover had the more appropriate shade of blue to put further left. Today, I retract any statements made during that time. Thank you, Anna, for being both a design genius and totally OCD about organizing everything.
The layout was designed by a very talented woman who happens to be my cousin. No, this is not the same cousin who won the Hemingway Award for her debut novel this year. It's another one who's also a genius. My cousin Lori has done graphic design for over twenty years, and she's a master of designing websites. Need help with yours? Contact her or check out her portfolio at CreativeHarvest.com.
I'd like to say it was coded by me, but it was not, because I'm too busy and old and stupid to tinker around with code all night these days. It was done by an awesome guy named Alex who stays off the radar but works quickly and inexpensively. If you have a WP project you'd like coded, drop me a line with the project details and I'll pass them along to him to see if he's interested. Highly recommended.
Q: You guys have photos now!
A: We do. And what's extra cool is that you can click on those author photos to read only articles written by that author. So if you only feel like reading what Emily wrote this week, you can do that. Just click on the photo next to one of her articles.
Q: Is there anything else you want to tell us?
A: Oh, yes, don't forget to follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, or even subscribe to our newsletter that doesn't exist yet (more deets on that here).
All in all, I really hope you guys like the new design, and I'm open to hearing well-intended, useful criticism in terms of what we can do make it even better.
I love you. />That's true! It's does! Good catch, you.
Evil Beet hasn't had a facelift in about three years, and that's already twice what Joan Rivers would tolerate, so we decided to snazz it up a bit. I put together a brief FAQ for you guys to minimize freakout.
Q: I hate it.
A: I know you do.
Q: I'm personally offended by these changes. You've really crossed the line this time, Beet. I'm never coming back.
A: Thank you for sharing.
Q: You are such a famewhore. You're fat and you try too hard....
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY BITCHES!!!!
As a dirty Jew, I don't celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. I respect the dude and believe him to be a great spiritual leader, I just don't throw a birthday party for him any more than I throw a birthday party for Eckhart Tolle. Heh. I might do that next year, though. The invite:
What: My Eckhartmas Party!
Where: Now
When: Now
What should I bring?: Your pain body. Also, wine and any appetizers you think you'll want.
The point of all this?
4th of July is my Christmas! I celebrate the birth of my very favorite country in the whole wide world, as fundamentally driven by a mass insanity as it is. It may be an ego-driven nation out to destroy any hope of peace on earth, but, goddamn it, it's my ego-driven nation out to destroy any hope of peace on earth, and it's got a bald eagle's talon-grip on my heart. (Fortunately, bald eagles will be extinct soon.)
America, thank you for killing people in the name of my gas prices, for keeping those horrid gay people from ruining my life by marrying each other, and also for Furbies. (Furbies are awesome 95% of the time.)
I love you America. I would say we should get married but I'm pretty sure you're a chick.
Get outside, get some sun, get drunk, then get a cab. Get home safe. Don't do stupid shit. Before you do stupid shit, ask yourself "Would Beet say this is stupid shit?" and if the answer is yes, don't do it.
Happy Fourth. YAY AMERICA! />
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY BITCHES!!!!
As a dirty Jew, I don't celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. I respect the dude and believe him to be a great spiritual leader, I just don't throw a birthday party for him any more than I throw a birthday party for Eckhart Tolle. Heh. I might do that next year, though. The invite:
What: My Eckhartmas Party!
Where: Now
When: Now
What should I bring?: Your pain body. Also, wine and any appetizers you think you'll want.
The point of all this?
4th of Jul...
Well, okay.
We're not really going to have a newsletter.
We are going to have a mailing list for a newsletter that I will probably never send to anyone because, like, if you want to know what's going on at this site, you could do something like follow us on Twitter or lick us on Facebook or, ya know, read the fucking site like a normal human being.
But certain people who shan't be named believe we should have a mailing list. Here are the things for which I will use this mailing list, in order of likelihood:
1) To distribute the name, phone number and naked photo of some dude who I just found out is cheating on me even though we never explicitly said we were exclusive but he should have known because in my mind it was clear.
2) To distribute the name, phone number and fake naked photo (I will do it myself in Photoshop) of the chick he's cheating on me with, even though she's probably a perfectly nice girl and we'd get along fine under any other circumstance.
3) To keep you guys up-to-date on the whereabouts and romantic goings-on of my little sister, who historically delights in having her private life made public, especially by me.
4) To be all like "OMG DID YOU GUYS SEE LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE OF HOUSE???? We don't have a piece up about it or anything, but, like, HOLY SHIT, right???? Did that really happen????"
5) To say something related to celebrity gossip.
Also, the subscribe form is pretty funny (I made it that way) and the only thing you need to fill in is your email address. All the other fields can be blank. But I think you'll want to answer them.
SIGN UP HERE!!!!SIGN UP HERE!!!!SIGN UP HERE!!!!SIGN UP HERE!!!! />Well, okay.
We're not really going to have a newsletter.
We are going to have a mailing list for a newsletter that I will probably never send to anyone because, like, if you want to know what's going on at this site, you could do something like follow us on Twitter or lick us on Facebook or, ya know, read the fucking site like a normal human being.
But certain people who shan't be named believe we should have a mailing list. Here are the things for which I will use this mailing list, in ...
Dear Mike,
We are cold. We are chafed. We have been used on countless occasions as the intermediary between a drunk chick with thick legs and too much makeup and the penis we can only assume hangs somewhere, sadly, beneath our bulging, defined curves. It is dwarfed, really, by us. And that was fine for awhile. We could play wingman like that. We could fall on the grenade, our perfect form attacked again and again by the literal underbelly of the type of chicks you took home to bang before...
I love Goldie Hawn. She'll just show up to the most random shit and be like "Look! I'm here! I can't make any guarantees as to what my mouth will be doing at any given time, but, then again, neither can my daughter! Do you like what I've done with my breasts? Does anyone here have weed?"
This was the Elephant Parade Auction in London, which benefits a hospital or something else that needs benefiting.
Elizabeth Hurley showed up as a perfect foil. Elizabeth Hurley is the most beautiful an...
So, like, talk about a slap in the face to those of you who are all like "Beet doesn't care about this blog anymore!"
I made Twitter and Facebook pages for Evil Beet! Fully three years after I should have!
BOO-YAH! See. This is why important people let me write weekly columns about building a tech startup. I AM SO ON TOP OF THIS SHIT.
Kidding aside, guys, I'm around and I've been around. We're working on a lot of cool shit to make this site and Zelda Lily an even better experience for the readers, and I'm super excited for it to launch after the 4th of July holiday.
We're also creating a system to listen specifically to all your feedback and suggestions about the site in general, so that you don't have to leave it in the comments or send tirades to my personal inbox (NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE THOSE YOU GUYS THANKS FOR THINKING OF ME).
I haven't been around in an editorial capacity much, I know. Please note that this does not mean I'm not involved with the site -- there are lots of other things that need to get done daily. At this point, Evil Beet is a full-blown business, not my personal plaything (you can read that here, or follow my personal Twitter here), and I'm super grateful for this business and its success, but now I spend a lot of my day running an actual business instead of mouthing off at Paris Hilton. I resent that a lot of the time, and I'm going to make an effort to do more writing around here, because, in a sick, sick way, I miss you guys. :)
Stay tuned. Big things are happening around here. It's gonna be fun. />So, like, talk about a slap in the face to those of you who are all like "Beet doesn't care about this blog anymore!"
I made Twitter and Facebook pages for Evil Beet! Fully three years after I should have!
BOO-YAH! See. This is why important people let me write weekly columns about building a tech startup. I AM SO ON TOP OF THIS SHIT.
Kidding aside, guys, I'm around and I've been around. We're working on a lot of cool shit to make this site and Zelda Lily an even better experience for the readers,...
Critical reaction to what I have casually termed "The Greatest Musical Event of All Time" has been, shall we say, mixed. In general, reviews of Recovery have applauded Eminem's lyrics but panned the production. I don't even know what "production" means. And when I lived in LA I slept with a lot of dudes who worked "in production" and I don't think they knew what it meant either, other than that it meant they were going to take my 21-year-old, 110-pound body to the studio where the "production" took place and then have sex with it.
What were we talking about again?
AH YES THIS ALBUM.
It's fucking brilliant on like a bazillion levels. It is an album of recovery from the death of a best friend, lost suddenly and senselessly. It is an album of recovery from a near-fatal addiction to alcohol and drugs. Most importantly, it is an album of self-recovery, the internal monologue of a man realizing that his genius is enduring and inherent, that the genius was not built upon the drugs. It's an emotional journey and Eminem captures every instant perfectly.
I'll quote my long-ago ex-boyfriend's recent Facebook status update:
3 Days into #Recovery by @Eminem. #Eminem, #Greatestrappertoeverlive, #bestrapalbumever, #everyoneelseintherapbusinesslooksfoolish
DEAD ON.
And this is the dude who seriously thought I was going to orgasm with him while Dave Matthews Band was invading my ears and my vagina. You've come a long way, baby.
Anyway. "Cinderella Man," my fave, is up top, and "Seduction," another fave, is after the jump.
Read More />
Critical reaction to what I have casually termed "The Greatest Musical Event of All Time" has been, shall we say, mixed. In general, reviews of Recovery have applauded Eminem's lyrics but panned the production. I don't even know what "production" means. And when I lived in LA I slept with a lot of dudes who worked "in production" and I don't think they knew what it meant either, other than that it meant they were going to take my 21-year-old, 110-pound body to the studio where the "production"...
Dear Mike,
We are cold. We are chafed. We have been used on countless occasions as the intermediary between a drunk chick with thick legs and too much makeup and the penis we can only assume hangs somewhere, sadly, beneath our bulging, defined curves. It is dwarfed, really, by us. And that was fine for awhile. We could play wingman like that. We could fall on the grenade, our perfect form attacked again and again by the literal underbelly of the type of chicks you took home to bang before...
I love Goldie Hawn. She'll just show up to the most random shit and be like "Look! I'm here! I can't make any guarantees as to what my mouth will be doing at any given time, but, then again, neither can my daughter! Do you like what I've done with my breasts? Does anyone here have weed?"
This was the Elephant Parade Auction in London, which benefits a hospital or something else that needs benefiting.
Elizabeth Hurley showed up as a perfect foil. Elizabeth Hurley is the most beautiful an...