Justin Bieber Wants You to Feel Totally Comfortable That Your Daughters Are Screaming His Name

I have a lot of fun pretending like Justin Bieber is the world’s most beautiful, most wondrous man, but just this once I’m going to drop the act and just say that wow, this kid is the biggest bag of douches* that I’ve ever seen. The way he carries himself, his behavior, even just his little voice in this promo as he talks about making your daughters scream, it’s all just uncomfortable and somewhat nauseating, right?

*Did I ever tell you guys about my first encounter with douches? I was probably 11 or 12, and my cousins and I were giving our grandmother’s house a thorough cleaning because she told us that if we didn’t she’d hit us with the riding crop (and she totally would – I never got the crop myself, the closest I ever came to it was when I refused to eat dinner at her house and offered to receive a little tap if I could just go outside and play, but my cousins definitely did). I was cleaning the bathroom, and I opened the closet door and all these boxes fell and hit me. They were douches. Douches rained from my grandmother’s closet, so I put the back in an orderly fashion, and later I asked my grandma what those things were, and she told me to go outside and hush. I think that’s why the term “douchebag” hits especially hard for me. And that’s my favorite story about douches.