Introducing “What An 11-Year-Old Girl Thinks,” Part One: ‘Breaking Dawn: Part 1’

Writing about celebrity gossip is hard work! And that is why I have decided to farm out one of my weekend posts to my friend Fred’s 11-year-old daughter. Hmm. I think this isn’t illegal.

Now, you might guess that this new column was inspired by Kids React, but you are wrong. Instead, I was inspired by the mustache my friend Fred’s daughter was perma-markering onto a photograph of Justin Bieber in the magazine J-14. “You know,” I said to her, “Perez Hilton made his millions by drawing on people.” Then I offered this 11-year-old girl my job.

Fred’s daughter wasn’t sure what to write about, so I asked her to tell me a little bit about the latest Twilight movie Breaking Dawn: Part 1, because I haven’t seen it.

Here is what an 11-year old had to say:

I recently went to see Part I of Breaking Dawn. If I had to rate the movie from 1 to 5 stars, I would give it a three-and-a-half.

I love the Twilight series, but Breaking Dawn was way too sappy. I hate sappy movies! I hate them because you always know what will happen at the end. Like every Julia Roberts movie! Or Julia Roberts comes into movies and ruins them! Like Ocean’s Eleven. It started so cool: gadgets, stealing money, George Clooney, Brad Pitt…. And then at the end, Julia Roberts has to suddenly show up and kiss George Clooney. The pain of that scene was just like being locked up in a nuthouse and being forced to listen to show tunes. (Editor’s note: ?????!!!!)

The mouth on this kid! Anyway, there’s much, much more, but there are also some Breaking Dawn spoilers. You’ve been warned.

And now, Fred’s 11-year-old daughter, who will happily spoil Breaking Dawn for you:

So the acting was OK at first. But then they totally screwed it up. Like Kristen Stewart: OK, in the first three movies, Bella (Kristen) was really dark and mopey, a real Debbie Downer—except when she was being eaten by vampires. And now she’s, like, happy and excited. It doesn’t add up! I mean, after all the things that have happened to her, shouldn’t she be even mopier? After being attacked by vampires, and now having, like, a demon baby, I would be, like, paralyzed by now!

Oh, and Robert Pattinson! Let me tell you about him. His hair. Is so stupid. And how much makeup they put on him…? That’s how much makeup I might wear in… four years. “Remember, ladies, never date a guy who has more lip gloss on than you,” that’s what my uncle says.

Anyway, back to Robert Pattinson’s hair. I mean, how much hair gel did they put in there? Or did they use marshmallow fluff to get it like that?

I really think Bella should’ve chosen Jacob over Edward, because he has everything she wants. Bella wants a guy with looks, and Jacob is not pale like she and Edward are. But of course she has to pick Edward! I think Edward looks like a butt. Think about it—he’s pale, boring, flabby, and has no meaning. A butt.

In spite of everything, Fred’s daughter did conclude that The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 is nonetheless a fulfilling moviegoing experience overall.

Still, it sounds to me like she was disturbed by A) inconsistencies in directorial tone, B) Edward Cullen’s lack of believable depth, and C) marshmallow hair.

(Image via the Warner Bros blog.)