The New Dancing With the Stars Cast Has Been Leaked. Yay?

I don’t know, guys. I was never really into Dancing With the Stars, and I was even more aghast when they asked Kate Gosselin to star on it for a season, so I’m sort of torn as to how I continuously feel about the show. I know it’s not going away anytime soon, and I’ve made my peace with that, but it seems like the execs over there at ABC are trying really, really hard to lure in the under-fifty crowd by including people like Bristol Palin, Kendra Wilkinson, and the majority of the new season’s cast. Who, you’re wondering? Try these names out for size:

Nancy Grace. Just when you thought her career wouldn’t extend past the Casey Anthony trial.

Kristin Cavallari. Because she’s just been dumped by someone who wasn’t even good enough to be considered for the sportsman position on DWTS, I guess.

Ricki Lake. Why not? It’s not like she’s done anything recently except play poker or something.

Chynna Phillips. Sure hope this one doesn’t lose the weight that most contestants do. SHE CAN’T AFFORD IT.

Hope Solo. This one’s going to be fun to watch. I saw an interview after all of the women’s soccer hubbub earlier this summer where she was asked about the possibility of joining the cast, and Hope claimed that, even though she’s mad athletic and coordinated on the field, she can’t dance for crap. I like this girl, so good times.

Jump in for the rest of *the list:

Elisabetta Canalis. I’m just “meh” about this, I guess. She was a hot ticket when she was George Clooney’s girl, because she was George Clooney’s girl, but now I guess I couldn’t really give a crap about her. Fame is a fickle friend, guys.

David Arquette. Ugh, really? I’ve come to the conclusion that this guy’s a total reject and will fail at anything he does. His marriage? Well, it speaks for itself. Now he’s rumored to be dating dirty, dirty Joe Francis’s ex-wife. Fail. The whole trying to be successful and sober thing? Failure. Dancing With the Stars? He’ll FAIL.

Rob Kardashian. Yup, definitely the least interesting Kardashian going. Why couldn’t it be Khloe? At least she’d be fun and entertaining, but I guess the media chose Rob because he’s the Kardashian least likely to succeed these days.

Ryan O’Neal. I thought this guy was in rehab? Or was that his son? Or both of them? Oh, I guess it was the son as of recent. I don’t know. I can barely tell them apart. Either way, this person will be the first to go, I have no doubts.

JR Martinez. But who’s JR Martinez? I thought they were just calling him Junior, so that’s who I Googled. And according to Google, Junior Martinez is a minor league baseball player. But that’s not who we’re talking about, we’re talking about JR Martinez, who actually way more important than some minor-leaguer. Martinez is a retired military man who currently stars on All My Children. According to his Wiki page:

In 2003, J.R. experienced severe burns to over 40 percent of his body while serving as a United States Army infantryman in Iraq. After a long and difficult recovery, J.R. spends his time traveling the country extensively in his role as a spokesman and motivational speaker sharing his message of resilience and optimism to large corporations, veteran groups, schools, and other organizations.

I’m disappointed in myself that I’ve never heard of him before. Guess I should pull my head out of my ass sometimes, huh?

Chaz Bono. This is a good pick. If any D-lister could stand to get a little more healthy looking, it’s Chaz Bono.

Ron Artest. Yes. Let’s include the guy who wants to change his legal name to “Metta World Peace,” just because. Why not?

*This list is obviously subject to change, as this is a “leak.” You know how those bitches roll.