“Justifer” Is Thinking About Buying a House

First Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux were “pre-engaged,” which, OK, you two serial monogamists, throw yourselves into the folly of love. Be silly; have fun with it; shine on, you crazy diamonds. Fine.

Then, on Wednesday, the couple visited London for the premiere of Horrible Bosses, and they went out for drinks with Louis Theroux. Which, OK, certainly, at the three-month mark, it is normal to start introducing your new pookie to your famous relatives. This is a totally normal relationship trajectory.

Now, People—which is a cheesy outlet, sure, but seldom publishes a lie—is reporting that the new couple is house-hunting. NO. NOT OK. Ugh, I cannot even.

Listen, I know how it is. You go, “Oh, we’re practically living together anyway, so this’ll be easier on everyone.” You go, “Oh, my lease is up in two months, so we’ll just go look for an apartment together.” Or you’re checking your bank account, thinking, “Well, there was that economic recession, so I’m sure I can convince my mother of the wise frugality of this new living arrangement.” In the words of your mother, WRONG. Moving in too soon is the fastest way to kill the tender bud of a new relationship. You might as well say, “Well, I’m tired of being wined and dined; I’d like to cut straight to the needless bickering.”

This is the opposite of a Whirlwind Romance. *puts on spectacles* Ahem. Moving-too-fast can actually be a defensive tactic: instead of letting a relationship organically unfold, you demand to know whether this relationship is going to work out, like, yesterday. No time for romantic frivolity! We’re all getting older! The clock is ticking! Go! Go! And that’s a lot of undue stress, because no one can live up to those expectations. (I know! I should be Aniston’s marriage counselor!)

And although I have never claimed to be “for” the Justifer coupling, they are so adamant (and their getting-together, so messy) that I just hope they don’t screw anything up.