2011 MTV Movie Awards: The LIVEBLOG

10:56 PM ET: Taylor Lautner looks all surprised that this movie won. Seriously. What fucking planet does he live on? When EVER there is a Twilight movie in production or development, said Twilight movie WILL ALWAYS WIN. END OF STORY. And also, end of the show. Stay tuned – we’ll be running a shit-ton of photos from tonight’s show if you happened to miss it.

10:54 PM ET: Um, Gary Busey? Presenting the award for Best Movie? Nominees: Inception, Twilight: Eclipse, Black Swan, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, The Social Network. I’m saying Twilight, but I’m HOPING Harry Potter. And the award goes to: Twilight. Of course.

10:54 PM ET: Teen Wolf kid. So hot.

10:51 PM ET: I wonder how many of these damn Twilight movies are gonna be out before I actually see the first one.

10:50 PM ET: Wow.

10:48 PM ET: Oh, good, more time for Kristen Stewart to be MAD AWKWARD.

10:44 PM ET: Oh, look, the cast of Horrible Bosses, featuring Jason Sudeikis. Jason Bateman is SO HOT. Best Comedic Performance: Zach Galifianakis, Emma Stone, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Russell Brand. The award goes to: Emma Stone. It’s about time this bitch won something, we’ve been seeing her face all damned night.

10:37 PM ET: Uh, who is this performing? Lupe Fiasco? Is that correct? I’m sorry, I’m just not hip. I have NO FUCKING IDEA who this is.

10:35 PM ET: I will never look at Selena Gomez without thinking of pre-pubescent sex with Justin Bieber, and that is all sorts of wrong.

10:33 PM ET: Kristen Stewart is way more awkward than I ever gave her credit for. MAD AWKWARD.

10:32 PM ET: Ashton Kutcher and Nicki Minaj. Now we’ll actually get to put Nicki’s ass in perspective (it’s still fucking big). Best Female Performance: Emma Stone, Emma Watson, Jennifer Aniston (who BETTER NOT WIN THIS AWARD OR I QUIT NOW), Kristen Stewart, Natalie Portman. The award goes to: Kristen Stewart.

10:29 PM ET: Have any of you guys seen the trailer for the Fright Night remake? Because I think it looks awfully shitty. Any of you going to see this movie either?

10:27 PM ET: This is how Lindsay Lohan got started, seriously.

10:25 PM ET: Cameron Diaz and some tool presenting something that I can’t understand because neither of these fools are keen on talking into their microphones. Either that, or I’m going deaf, which is definitely a possibility. Best Line from a Movie: Justin Timberlake and Andrew Garfield, Alexys Nicole Sanchez, Amanda Bynes and Emma Stone, Jesse Eisenberg, Tom Hardy. The award goes to: Alexys Nicole Sanchez.

10:22 PM ET: Bald, obnoxious Jason Sudeikis playing Vin Diesel looks like bald, obnoxious Joey Lawrence. Um, wait …

10:16 PM ET: No, definitely drunk. I couldn’t see Reese Witherspoon toking it up in the public bathroom like Paris Hilton or whatever.

10:16 PM ET: Or high, maybe.

10:15 PM ET: And she’s drunk. She’s definitely drunk.

10:14 PM: That was the best Reese Witherspoon montage I’ve ever seen. For real.

10:09 PM ET: OOPS ROBERT PATTINSON. OOPS MTV. LOL Gotta love a live ‘fuck.’

10:07 PM ET: Patrick Dempsey, Robert Pattinson (yes again), and Chelsea Handler getting ready to present the Generation Award to Reese Witherspoon, who’s gotten all BORING again now that she’s married. Again. No, seriously, though Reese Witherspoon totally rocks, and she’s gorgeous and truly talented and what not, and I’m glad Dempsey brought up Sweet Home Alabama since it’s one of my favorite movies.

10:03 PM ET: I know it’s wrong, but I’m still thinking of laser boners.

10:02 PM ET: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. II, man. I’m totally sitting here bawling like a baby. A really fucking annoying, loud-mouthed baby. This is gonna be the best movie EVER.

10:00 PM ET: Emma Watson is gorgeous. And charming. Seriously. And nervous. Seriously nervous.

9:57 PM ET: Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively share the stage. Brave, that is, considering everyone knows what one of them looks like naked. Anyway. Best Kiss: Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis, Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe, Ellen Page and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Winner is? Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. I TOLD YOU HE’S GONNA WIN EVERYTHING.

9:56 PM ET: I wonder if Steve-O has ANY of his original teeth left.

9:55 PM ET: “1,2,3,4 BURIED!”

9:54 PM ET: Jason Sudeikis’s movie theme songs have been the funniest thing all night. “SKINNY SETH ROGEN.” LOL “You’ve gotta pee on me.” ALSO. What is with this delay? Is this happening on anyone else’s TV?

9:46 PM ET: Best fight: Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Daniel Radcliffe v. Death Eaters; Joseph Gordon-Levitt v. “hallway attacker”; Amy Adams vs. “the sisters”‘ Bryce Dallas Howard v. Robert Pattinson v. the other dude; Mark Strong v. Chloe Moretz.

And the award goes to: Robert Pattinson again. Is he gonna win, like, everything tonight?

9:44 PM ET: Oh, good, is this where we get to see Rosie Huntington-Whitelely pretend like she’s not a total dolt? WOO PATRICK DEMPSEY. Shia LeBeouf takes himself way seriously. And I cannot believe that Josh Duhamel goes to bed with Fergie every night. Heh.

9:43 PM ET: This boulder skit is really whack.

9:41 PM ET: I still totally want to bone the kid that’s starring in the new Teen Wolf sitcom. I’m not gonna, like, watch the show or anything, but I can still picture him naked and what not, you know?

9:37 PM ET: What’s with this little boy’s tough-guy accent? He’s from CANADA FFS.

9:36 PM ET: Best Jaw-Dropping Moment: Natalie Portman, Ellen Page/Leonardo DiCaprio, Justin Bieber (NO), James Franco, Steve-O. The (totally fucking gross) award goes to: Justin Bieber. FUCK, man.

9:34 PM ET: TEXT B for Harry Potter to win, otherwise this crap is RIGGED.

9:26 PM ET: I saw the Foo Fighters perform live once. In New Orleans, at the House of Blues a few years ago. It was a good show. Dave Grohl’s got better hair than me. That’s nice.

9:23 PM ET: Best Villain: Leighton Meester, Christoph Waltz, Ned Beatty, Tom Felton, Mickey Rourke. The award goes to Tom Felton, who looks like a fucking heroin addict tonight. Go Tom. No, really, Tom. GO. Shave that shitty Poirot mustache.

9:22 PM ET: OH MY GOD RYAN GOSLING.

9:21 PM ET: OH HERE COMES RYAN GOSLING.

9:15 PM ET: Are you guys gonna see this Super 8 business? I guess it’s kind of like a zombie movie for little kids. The sneak peek blew, by the way. It was like Cloverfield meets Independence Day, and we all know how much Cloverfield sucked.

9:14 PM ET: Best Male Performance: Jesse Eisenberg, Robert Pattinson, Zac Efron, Daniel Radcliffe, and Taylor Lautner … the award goes to – Robert Pattinson.

9:12 PM ET: Um, where’s the rest of Mila Kunis? I just don’t remember her being this … coltish.

9:07 PM ET: This guy is actually pretty entertaining. “She’s already swallowed three of his baby teeth.” LOLZ

9:05 PM ET: So after the amazingness that ensued with Jason Sudeikis in this short video, January Jones is probably kicking herself in the ass for not getting pregnant BY Jason Sudeikis. Also? Justin Bartha may be a lunatic, but he’s a lunatic that I’d TOTALLY BONE. Justin Bartha FTW.