… And is going to be the subject of a magical binding ritual. I know, that’s a lot of information. Let’s break it down.
It’s been a crazy week for Charlie Sheen. He’s been giving interviews, sending questionable texts, and most importantly, being autotuned. And that’s a lot to keep up with. In the midst of all the craziness, Charlie’s tossed around the term “warlock” a little too freely. He’s called himself a “Vatican assassin warlock” (he also called himself a “gnarly gnarlington,” which I don’t think is being noted as much as it should be), and that crossed a big line for a group of witches in Salem, Massachusetts:
“Warlock is not a battle cry, that’s not what the word means,” said Salem warlock Christian Day, emphasizing that most witches and warlocks consider witchcraft to be a religion — and a peaceful one at that.
Some Salem witches are planning a ritual on Sunday, March 6, that they expect will dissuade Sheen from misusing the word warlock in the future. They also intend for the ritual to help Sheen cleanse himself of the negativity they believe is poisoning him.
“We want to try save him, as well as not have ourselves slandered,” said Laurie Stathopoulos, a witch who goes by the name Lorelei.
I can only assume that this whole affair is going to turn out like the movie, The Craft. You guys have seen it, right? There’s a binding ritual in that movie – the main girl gets a picture of the crazy girl, wraps a white ribbon around it and says “I bind you, Nancy, from doing harm, harm against other people and harm against yourself” about a million times – and it does not turn out well. That’s exactly how this is going to go down. Charlie’s going to notice that someone tried to bind him, and he’s going to flip his shit, and he’s going to get his sidekicks, his fellow gnarly gnarlingtons, and they’re going to put all kinds of magic snakes and bugs in these witches’ houses and try to kill them, because you don’t fuck with this warlock.
Looks like he peed his pants.