Stephanie From ‘Full House’ is Marrying a Lame-O

I was just reading up on Jodie Sweetin‘s engagement to some bro named Morty Coyle (dorkiest name ever) and I wanted to share with you this list of “facts” that People.com printed about the former meth head and child actor’s fiance:

1. He’s a musician – and more
Though often pegged simply as a Hollywood deejay, Coyle, 42, not only spins and mixes, but he’s also a musician. He got his start singing in a band called the Imposters, which regularly played the Viper Room and the Roxbury. Hollywood born-and-bred, Coyle’s now in a band called All Day Sucker, and he performs at regular Tuesday night jam sessions with The F.O.C.K.R.’s (Friends of Canter’s Kibitz Room) in L.A., where he proposed. It’s also how he met Sweetin nearly two years ago. “One night I went to see a mutual friend play and Morty and I started hanging out and later dated,” says Sweetin. “We sort of couldn’t help it. It was just right.”

2. He didn’t watch his future sweetie on Full House
While his now-fiancé was winning hearts on an ABC “TGIF”s sitcom, Coyle had other plans. “I was trying to sneak out of the house on Friday nights,” he jokes. “I was at a different age. Sometimes I forget that people grew up with her.” When Coyle catches a rerun now, though, he’s on his own. “Jodie cannot watch herself on television,” he says. “It’ll come on and I’ll go, ‘Hey, look at what you’re wearing!’ And she’ll walk by, like, ‘Ah, yeah.’ “

3. The Beatles are his life
Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch, but Coyle does love the band, so much so that it helped inspire his daughter’s name. The couple decided on Beatrix Carlin Sweetin Coyle after a brainstorming session by the dad-to-be. “I was kicking around these ideas and then I started writing ‘Beatles.’ I wrote ‘B-e-a-t,’ and then I went, ‘Oh, Beatrix!’ ” Sweetin loved the name as well (and they picked their daughter’s middle name, Carlin, after the late comedian George). Today, Beatrix has many nicknames too, from Bea to BeBe and “Beatwix,” as her older sister Zoie calls her.

4. He’s Jodie’s biggest cheerleader
From championing the various online campaigns to get her on Dancing with the Stars, (“It’s her dream,” says Coyle) to praising her little-known dark sense of humor, this is one smitten kitten. “A lot of people have seen her doing the sitcom, studio audience thing,” he says. “But I know she has the ability to be dry and funny. What’s not to like: she’s a goddess who has Bob Saget’s sense of humor! She’s perfect for me.”

5. Look out for him on the dance floor
The couple may learn to waltz, foxtrot and samba well before their wedding. “Before we found out we were going to have a baby, Jodie got me passes for us to learn how to dance, so we had to push it off,” says Coyle, adding with a smile, “I’m still looking forward to taking those lessons.”

I’m sorry, but these people sound like the lamest mother fuckers on the block and this Morty dude sounds exactly like you’d expect a Morty to sound: Tragically dorky and completely uninteresting. The only redeeming thing about these “facts” is that the guy used the opportunity to Secret his washed-up fiance getting a spot on Dancing With the Stars.

Seriously, People. If the best information you can pull out of a dude is that he didn’t watch Full House and that he likes The Beatles, then it’s probably not print-worthy. All I’m doing over here is snickering at these poor folks.

Is it possible that Morty Coyle is the lamest nobody to ever marry a child actor?