Randy and Evi Quaid’s Totally Bizarre Interview With Esquire Magazine

‘Til the season to think about Randy Quaid – he was, after all, Cousin Eddie in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, but he hasn’t been in the news as of late for portraying crazy, zany, and lovable characters any more than Marilyn Manson has been involved with PETA or Dora the Explorer.

If you don’t remember, Randy and his oddball wife, Evi, were on the lam awhile back and eventually arrested for breaking and entering and extortion, all of which pointed to the idea that the Quaids were trying to play the greatest movie roles of their lives as Bonnie and Clyde.

So not cool, guys.

The couple recently spoke to Esquire magazine and many of their quotes were, to say the least, interesting:

On how Evi and Randy will be killed by faceless, nameless people:

They will be killed in one of three ways, she says. (She does most of the talking.) She has interrupted the killers practicing. “Staging scenarios,” she calls them. Dry runs, rehearsals, blocking for a gruesome play. Their most likely end, the Quaids believe, will involve knives. Randy will be drugged in his sleep — “They know he has sleep apnea,” she says — and Evi will be stabbed to death. Then they will put the knife in his hand. He will wake up and be locked away forever. Or he will kill himself in his terror and grief. The Star Whackers have stolen some of his songs — he writes sad, introspective songs on more crumpled sheets of paper — and the killers will lay one out on the nightstand or the kitchen counter. “Randy’s songs read like suicide notes,” Evi says. “That’s how the cops will read them.”

Another option of how the two will be killed by these … ‘Star Whackers’:

Or they will be hanged together, Randy and Evi, strung up from the rafters in a garage. Another song will surface. It will be ruled a double suicide. Or they will be found in their car, parked overlooking the steel-gray sea, and they will be found sitting, frozen, hand-in-hand, their insides brimming with a lethal dose of Demerol, administered through Evi’s stolen migraine medication. “A pharmacist told me they could put one hundred times the lethal dose in a single pill,” she says.

Evi claims that the ‘Star Whackers’ have been responsible for myriad celebrity deaths, and she and Randy are no exception. Randy agrees adamantly:

The Star Whackers could, at least. They are good at what they do. Heath Ledger. Chris Penn. David Carradine. Ronni Chasen gunned down only last week, five bullets in her chest. Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson, they’ll be next. Make them seem crazy, make them seem as though they were going to fall over the edge anyway, and then give them one last little push…

On celebrity gossip outlets like Radar Online:

“Radar Online is owned by the police,” Evi says firmly. She sounds entirely convinced. “They called the Dairy Queen in Marfa, Texas, to spread rumors about us when we lived there. Everything came out of the Dairy Queen…”

On who, specifically, will end the couple’s lives:

She runs through the possibilities: The same people who killed Robert Blake’s wife? Or maybe the people who killed Phil Hartman and his wife? The people who shot that poor woman in Phil Spector’s house? The people who gave Michael Jackson those tainted drugs?

“I feel like we’re really close,” Evi says. “We’re this close to solving our own murder. It’s the only way I’ll be able to keep Randy alive.”

I’m really scared for these guys, you guys. They’re nuts. And the creepy thing is, *what if they’re right?

*Of course they’re not right. These people are batshit crazy and would be lucky for someone to intervene. What if these two took their crazy ‘Star Whacker’ idea out on an innocent bystander? What then? Paranoia can do some pretty nutty things to people, and I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Randy and Evi Quaid’s joint psychosis.