Paris Drives Like Beet

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (AP) — Paris Hilton was cited for driving on a suspended license after police stopped her for speeding and driving without her headlights on late Tuesday, authorities said.

If you’re going to speed put your headlights on. Also, if you don’t have a valid license do your best to keep it under the speed limit so as not to attract attention.

She was on her way home from buying DVDs at Virgin Megastore in West Hollywood after spending the day at home for a photo shoot, her publicist Elliot Mintz said.

This is why stupid people shouldn’t be obscenely wealthy. Because they have no idea how to live their life in a manner that will allow them not to be bothered. If you gave me Hilton money right now (and you should at least consider it) I would:

1) Subscribe to the Columbia DVD program where they give you the first ten free but charge you $35 a pop after that. No, wait, I’d hire someone to sign me up. Then I’d direct them to order me every DVD that has ever come out, and then order every DVD that is scheduled to come out. Then I’d keep them on the salary with the caveat that if I ever didn’t have a DVD I wanted their $150,000 salary a year would be taken away.

I would then hire one other person to LIVE at Virgin Megastore. They would have the exact same job, only I would pay them more because they would have to live in a store. This would be my double blind system. Even if I had to fire one of them I would always have the DVD I wanted. For kicks I would then hire an IT guru to set up a download system for foreign releases that were not commercially available to either of my DVD mules. If I wanted something exotic I would call out the name of a movie to him (he would be paid to sleep at his computer terminal) and he would get it for me. He would have exactly one hour before I set my attack dog loose on him.

2) I would have a giant man in a bear costume drive me everywhere. He would be armed to the teeth.

See? Better.