Phelpsy’s Mom Says She’s to Blame!

Yes, of course Phelpsy’s mom “wrote” a book. She has definitely earned a book deal. Look what her vagina has accomplished! All those laps in the Olympic pool were practically being swum by her labia. The book is called A Mother for All Seasons, and of course right now her media machine is hyping it up by focusing on what is probably the only even marginally interesting portion of this opus — Michael Phelps’ painfully persistent drug and alcohol problem.

In A Mother for All Seasons, Debbie Phelps speaks out for the first time about her shock at seeing the human side of her golden boy, when Star released pictures of Michael smoking pot in January, Debbie was “not happy” about his “disappointing, uncharacteristic behavior,” she writes. But the bust was also “déjà vu all over again.” Michael’s 2004 DUI arrest had been her first major disappointment as a mom.

“Nothing like this had ever happened with him,” Debbie writes. “It was unreal — like something out of a horror movie — with TV clips of jail cell doors slamming ominously shut, dooming the life and career of one golden boy turned loser.”

But, Debbie says, she never blamed Michael — only herself. “I was sure that I could have done something to better prepare Michael to make better choices.” And after the details of the incident emerged, she says, she had more understanding. “He actually had tried to get someone else to drive after he had a few drinks,” Debbie reveals. “Apparently someone in the crowd made a crack about not giving the keys to his brand-new Range Rover to someone else.”

In the end, however, the details didn’t matter. “Michael was clearly mortified.” And Debbie had to take a week off of work. “I stayed out of sight, hibernating at a friend’s house, crying my eyes out.”

I can completely understand how awful this experience must have been for Debbie, but I’m firmly of the belief that all the mothering in the world can’t change the way your children interact with substance, and how they behave when they’re under the influence. You can set a good example and you can let them know the facts, but that’s where your role ends. These were Michael’s choices, and it’s so sad that his mother had to suffer as a result. Hopefully it will result in him making better choices in the future, although somehow I doubt that. We’ll see another DUI out of that Phelps kid yet, mark my words.

Hey, Mom! When are you going to write a book about raising me??? That shit’ll put Debbie Phelps’ drama to SHAME! (To this day, my mother insists that I was a very easy teenager to raise. This is because my mother has repressed those memories. I was about as easy to raise as Hugh Hefner’s penis. It took a team!) I keep telling my mother she should have a weekly column on here. She always says no. Maybe I should have my grandpa do one? He has OPINIONS.