American Idol Recap: The First 12

Okay, guys, we’re doing Idol recaps again this season. It’s been a season or two since I’ve done them, but they were really popular around here a couple years ago, and many of you have asked if I’d do them again this season. It’s hella time-consuming, but I have to admit that I love writing them.

Ryan’s here, and he’s not wearing something ridiculous. He’s in gray slacks and a light gray collared shirt with a dark sweater over it. He is easing us into the Ryan Seacrest Wardrobe. Trust me, in a few weeks, he’ll be up there in a bright purple shirt with fringe and hot pants. Just wait. Ryan introduces the judges, and I’m already delighted, because Paula is wasted. She’d appeared generally sober throughout the audition process, but when she doesn’t have to show up for a taping until 4 pm, Team Sobriety loses. The judges talk nonsense about what the contestants have to do (Randy: “You’ve gotta be in it to really win it”) and Kara admits to being a little bit nervous about her first live show. Then it’s Paula’s turn to talk, and oh God yes she’s wasted. It’s bad tonight. Which is sooo good. Then Simon comments on Ryan’s hair, which is now brunette, and accuses him of going all “single white female,” because Simon’s hair is dark too. Ryan calls him a “silver fox.” Oh, I’d missed the loosely veiled anti-gay banter between Simon and Ryan. It really sends the right message to our nation’s youth.

Jump in for the rest!

The game’s a little different this time. In each (mixed-sex) group of 12, they’ll be sending forward the guy and girl with the most votes, and then whoever is the next top vote-getter. They’ll do this with 3 groups of 12, and then the remaining 3 top-12 contestants will be chosen on a Wild Card show. Does that make sense?

The theme tonight is “Hits from the Billboard Top 100 Since the Chart Began.” What this translates to is “Really any song you want.” Ryan introduces the 12 contestants for the first hour.

Up first: 28-year-old New Yorker Jackie Tohn. Jackie interviews in this horrendous bloom-shouldered purple top with what looks to be a vague argyle pattern. She’ll be singing “Little Less Conversation” by Elvis. See? Any song you want. Jackie pops up on stage wearing black vinyl pants, a huge rubber red belt, a polka-dotted white-and-black tube top and, of course, sneakers. The look doesn’t fit the song. She dances around the stage like Paula at a rave. Jackie has a gravelly, laid-back style to her voice, but that doesn’t fit the look either, and I have a feeling she’s gonna get blown out of our memory by a parade of girls to whom the word “belt” means something more than a red rubber mess above your awful vinyl pants. The judges say she’s a good entertainer with a “big personality,” but they don’t have much to say about her voice. Simon says she “played the clown” and was “ungainly” and “gimmicky,” all of which is true. She won’t be moving on.

Ryan’s sitting with her parents, and her mother has, like, a big white towel draped over her pants, and I really don’t understand this. Did she pee on them right before the interview? Ryan tells her parents to talk to the wrong camera. Ah, live TV. Jackie’s dad calls Jackie “Mama.” This is awkward.

Now we’re on the red couch interviewing Ricky Braddy , who forgets to use the microphone on the couch, so the audio is sucky. LIVE TV! We cut to Ricky’s earlier taped interview, but I have just realized that my armpits kind of smell like barbeque right now, and trying to figure out how that happened is more interesting than Ricky. He bores me already. Honestly I don’t usually have stinky armpits. This is new. He’s singing Leon Russell’s “A Song for You.” ANY SONG EVER, GUYS. Ricky’s wearing super-tight dark denim pants, black dress shoes, a white collared shirt, and a maroon felt blazer. He has a good voice, but I’m bored and back to smelling my armpits. He does have one hell of a head voice, though. He grabs me back with that. But he’s still boring.

Randy raves about his performance, essentially throwing Jackie under the bus. Kara fawns on his “riffs” and “interpretations.” Paula is high, and she points out that Ricky hasn’t really been featured in the audition episodes. Simon says it was “very, very good,” but says he lacks star quality. True again. We sit down with Ricky’s folks, who are wearing shirts that say they’re in “The Braddy Bunch.” His mom plugs BraddyBunch.com, which is stupid, because their actual website is TheBraddyBunch.com. They’re selling the shirts. I looked it up (because I’m a huge dork) and BraddyBunch.com has been owned since January 2007 by someone named Rick Braddy, who I sincerely hope is not this Rick Braddy, because if so he forgot to forward the domain and just lost out on a shitload of money.

Next we have Alexis Grace, who is one of my favorites early on. I think she’s adorable and talented. She has “dirtied her look up,” as the judges asked her to do in auditions. She’s singing Aretha’s “Never Loved a Man.” She’s on stage channeling old-school Madonna, in black lingerie, long pearls, bright red lipstick and high black heels. Oh and her hair’s still half-pink. She doesn’t have the tits or the legs to pull off this look, but her voice is amazing, despite the fact that you can hear how nervous she is. Randy says, “You done found the dirt.” He thinks she “worked it out.” Kara says that “the genie is out of the bottle.” Paula is … guess what? … wasted! But she liked Alexis and calls her “tender.” Simon says she’s the best so far (there have only been three), but he liked Alexis and says she has “soul.” He thinks Alexis may be a “dark horse” and compares her to Kelly Clarkson. Frankly, Kelly impressed me more early on. Ryan’s interviewing the parents. Alexis’s dad is what you would get if you took Alexis’s cuteness and inverted it. He looks scary. But he does seem to be a very loving father, so I like him. Alexis bobs around into the wrong camera. This is the kind of shit the contestants do early on, but as they get more experienced, they learn to look into the camera with the red light beneath it. It’s always an interesting way to gauge their growth as professional performers.

Brent Keith’s up, and we have some tape difficulties, so Ryan tries to stall by interviewing Brent while they’re walking down the stairs. (Ryan’s such a pro). The video team doesn’t handle that very well either, and we get a long shot of their asses for a bit. Then a producer shouts out that they do have the tape, and we get to see Brent, who’s a total hottie. I like Brent. Because he’s hot. Oh, he’s married. Sigh. I am way hotter than his wife. Brent will be singing a song called “Hick Town,” because “it’s time to just say, ‘This is who I am.'” Yeah. And that’s where you found your wife, I’m sure.

Brent’s way nervous, and it comes out in his voice at first, but he hits some belted notes and seems to get his stride back. He’s a cutie, but amateurish on stage still. His looks might get him through, but his performance isn’t wowing me. Simon is going to tear this dude a new hick town asshole. Randy rambles on about his “country swagger” and likes him as a country artist. Kara likes him but says he was “safe.” Agreed. After pointing out how Rick Braddy didn’t get any face time during the audition eps, drunk Paula asks America to remember how great Brent was in auditions when they vote. That’s fair. Paula tells him he has a great career as a country singer ahead of him, and to remember what happened for Bucky Covington. I think to myself, “What did happen with Bucky Covington?” and then Simon says just that. Next, Simon tears him a new asshole and calls him “forgettable” and says he’s blown this opportunity. Brent says, “Personally, I don’t believe country fans would forget that,” and then goes to interview with his wife. HOTTER THAN WHOM I AM.

Up now: 16-year-old Stevie Wright, who says she was nine years old when this show began. I was in college. I have said from day one that Stevie Wright looks like Jessica Biel’s slightly less attractive kid sister, and I’m sticking with that analysis. She also looks way older than 16. Oh, she’s 17 now. Whatever. She’s singing Taylor Swift’s “You Belong with Me.” Stevie gets up on stage and gets right to the business of starting about 10 keys too low and fucking this up to high hell. She is wearing something I would have worn when I was nine years old, too. She’s in black leggings, a loose, long blue racer-back with a thin white long-sleeved shirt under it and a thin black belt over it, and flat sneakers. And FLAT is how I’d describe this entire performance. It’s horrible, which is sad, because I’d liked Stevie in auditions. But this is a brutal murder of this song. It’s awful, and it’s awful the WHOLE TIME.

Randy hated it. Kara hated it, and is obviously disappointed. Paula, even in her drunken stupor, realizes how bad she was. Simon says it was “terrible” and that she was out of tune. He says there is zero chance for her making it through. Totally true. Ryan says she’s 16, even though she just said in her interview that she’d turned 17. Stevie’s mom mentions that the judges had sent her mixed messages about her song choices, but that’s neither here nor there at this point, because the entire performance was off-key. Ryan is very sweet to Stevie, and seems protective of her feelings, which is nice.

ANOOP! ANOOP! I’m excited about Anoop Desai. I really liked him in auditions. Anoop is singing “Angel of Mine” by Monica, which ought to be interesting. He’s in a gray button-down, a dark gray blazer and jeans with white sneakers. What is with the sneakers tonight, kids? Anoop is very nervous, and he is not bringing his A game. I think he forgets some lyrics, too. His great voice comes through to some degree, but he’s depending too heavily on the background singers, whose volume is down too low for this to really work. It might sound better live, but, fed to the TV, it’s weak.

Randy liked it but didn’t like the song choice and thought he was sharp. Ever the producer, he mentions the problems with the background singers. Kara didn’t think he pulled off the riffs, but he has potential. Paula mentions his fan base as a result of the auditions. Drunk. Simon thought it was “too grown up” and too serious but is actually much kinder than I’d expected. He mentions that Anoop has “massive likability.” God, the interviews with the parents are so tedious. Aww, his parents have that cool Indian-British accent. Anoop’s the first one to give a shout-out to the band in his interview, so he gets points from me for that.

Casey Carlson, age 20, is up. She’s a total cutie pie. You know who she kind of looks like? Brody Jenner’s girlfriend, PMOY Jayde Nicole. She’s singing The Police, “Everything She Does Is Magic.” There are a LOT of ways to fuck up this song, and Casey stumbles upon damn near every one of them. It’s too breathy, she is flat as all get-out, and lord only knows what she’s wearing. It’s a thick, knee-length gold skirt and blank tank. With short black boots. She’s really, really awful. There’s not much more to say. It’s, like Stevie-style bad. She should have just showed up naked and auditioned for Hugh instead.

Randy said it was horrible and “karaoke.” Kara says it was all “wrong” and Randy jumps in to sing “Everything about that was off” to the tune of “Everything She Does Is Magic.” GREAT. She says no one should sing The Police and mentions how flat she was. Paula calls her beautiful, and Casey looks at the floor sadly, like she’s already tired of only being beautiful. SO VERY WORLD-WEARY. Then Paula tells her how awful she was. Simon asks her how she thought it went, and she says, to her credit, “I had a lot of fun.” He says “the singing was just atrocious” and that “you could not have chosen a worse song.” Then Paula and Simon argue over whether or not she should wink at the audience when she goes on stage. Casey is done with this competition. Her mother is the only parent so far to get up off the couch and greet their child on top of the stairs. That’s some shit my mom would pull, so it’s endearing to me. Casey admits she could have chosen a better song, but says the experience was amazing. Casey is sweet, but this is the end of the line.

Now: Total hottie Michael Sarver, whom Ryan introduces as “my twin,” which is funny because Ryan is a teensy tiny person and Michael is not. Michael must get tired of talking about how he works on an oil rig as a roughneck. He has a kid, which means I can’t hope to steal him from his wife, who’s not as hot as me. He’s singing Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be,” and I have high hopes for him pulling it off. Good song choice. He’s not horrible, actually. He’s a little too nervous, but he does well compared to the folks who have come before. I like Michael, and I’ve liked him from the start. White Texas-style button-down, untucked over denim, and nice black shoes. Good outfit choice. Randy didn’t like the performance, and I disagree. Kara didn’t like it either. Paula thought he did a “real good job,” and the audience cheers. Simon says this is a “tricky one.” He wasn’t impressed with the vocal, but says it’s not the worst they’ve heard (no shit!) and he thinks he may get by on his likability.

We talk to his wife and his mother, who say he picked out the shirt by himself. Fascinating stuff here. Michael throws up his number (8) with his fingers, and Ryan’s like, “I can’t believe you’re that guy now, giving out the number.” Michael’s able to laugh at himself, and that’s endearing.

Ann Marie Boskovich, who has awesome hair. She’s another pretty girl. She’s singing “Natural Woman,” and I’m worried for her already. She’s wearing a tight blue dress and short silver heels. She sure looks awesome. Vocally, she’s not awful. Easily the best girl of the night so far. She hits her notes and gets some good belting and riffs in there.

Camera pans to Ted Danson in the audience. He seems pleased with her performance. That’s nice.

Randy thought it was the wrong song, and the audience boos. He thought it was “sub-par.” Kara mentions that it’s hard for Ann Marie to go from being a demo singer to a lead performer. Drunk Paula think she’s improved since Hollywood week. Simon says she sounds like a hotel singer. He says her voice wasn’t good enough for that song, and “it destroyed you.” Ryan’s talking to her mom and sister. Ann Marie sits down on “the hard part” of the couch, squirms around a bit, and we lose any time for an interview. Even sitting, Ann Marie is about a full foot taller than Ryan.

Now: Stephen Fowler, singing “Rock with You” by Michael Jackson. Jeans, untucked patterned shirt (WHEN WILL THESE PEOPLE LEARN THAT THIS NEVER WORKS ON CAMERA?) and black dress shoes. He’s got a really smooth voice, and seems to hit all the notes. He just doesn’t stand out much for me as a performer. He’s playing it too safe. This is probably not the right song for him, either. Randy didn’t like the song choice and said he was pitchy. Kara liked him better sitting at the piano, forgetting his lyrics, during Hollywood round. Stephen says he’s not really comfortable singing without playing the piano, and I feel him on this. Paula didn’t love it and mentions that singing “Rock with You” is “like the kiss of death.” Simon says it was “pointless” and “corny” and says it was a “terrible arrangement.” I just don’t agree that it was all that bad. Stephen’s wife is at home, and apparently his parents are dead or don’t love him, so there’s no one to interview. That is so sad! Ryan just gives out the number. Stephen looks defeated. I really didn’t feel he was that bad.

Oh, God, Tatiana del Toro. I hate her so much. All I want is for her to fail here. I want her off my TV set forever. She’s singing “Saving All My Love for You” by Whitney Houston, and even manages to cry during her taped interview. I don’t know what she’s wearing and am unwilling to discuss that issue further. Tatiana seems the least nervous of anyone so far. Her sociopathic self-absorption prevents her from perceiving any real risk here. Her voice is strong, but this is a boring performance. She’s a little sharp here and there, but she’s probably, vocally, the strongest girl we’ve seen. After her song, she closes her eyes and rolls her head around like she just had an orgasm. Randy says she “had some moments” but says she didn’t pull it all together. Kara says “it’s like a roller coaster ride with you,” and says it’s not clear how she fits into the industry. Tatiana says she fits everywhere. Paula thinks she had “beautiful moments” and “pitchy moments,” and I think everyone wants more of the crazy Tat to come out. “I’m not usually like that,” Tatiana says about her bitchy behavior in Hollywood, and Simon cuts her off, calling her a “complete and utter drama queen … you are desperate to be famous.” Paula snips back with, “Oh and you aren’t!” Simon eventually admits that her singing “wasn’t bad at all” and then we all make fun of the way she laughs. Classy.

Tatiana has two friends there in lieu of family. She has friends? I didn’t believe it. Tatiana calls her friends “her cousins,” then has to explain that they’re not actually her cousins, but that “everyone’s cousins in Puerto Rico.” I’m sure the world’s Puertoriquenos are thrilled to be called incestuous on national television (someone please alert my seventh-grade Spanish teacher that I remember what you call Puerto Ricans in Spanish). Tatiana tries to convince everyone that she’s not crazy and works very hard and laughing like a non-psychopath (sicopathico?). “America, this is my dream, and it’s up to you to keep it alive,” she says, and the audience laughs, which I don’t think is what she was hoping for there.

Last but not least, Danny Gokey. He’s the dude whose wife had died a month before he went to the Idol auditions. He’s also a church music director. He’s singing “Hero” by Mariah Carey. Danny’s such a great performer, truly a natural. He just shines on stage. Denim, white button-down with some designs on it, and black dress shoes. He’s killing this. You can do this song so differently as a man than as a woman, and Danny’s doing quite well with it. The audience is going nuts. He’s such a non-threatening attractive male. He goes from chest voice to head voice to falsetto seamlessly. Awesome riffs. Best performance of the night.

The judges are SO RELIEVED that SOMEONE was good tonight. They’re going nuts. Awww, Jamar is in the audience, cheering him on. JAMAR SHOULD BE ON STAGE TOO. I’m still bitter. Randy calls him “the redeemer of the night.” Kara says he is the “hero,” and Paula says he is “stellar.” In a rare moment of Paula genius, she says she has “two words with a hyphen: sold-out arenas.” How does Paula know about that hyphen? I wonder if they write it on her pills. Simon says it was “good” but not “fantastic.” He thought the arrangement was “a bit heavy-handed” and that he’s “just not buying the hype.”

Ryan says that “there was a part of tonight when I actually believed you had that organ that we all have.” Simon just stares back at him, trying desperately to think of a way to turn this around so it can be about how Ryan doesn’t have a penis, but he comes up empty. Ryan covers by saying “You didn’t get that, did you? We’ll explain later.” Simon got it, he just didn’t have a quick enough comeback. Danny gives a sweet interview about rising above adversity, and, to his credit, doesn’t talk endlessly about his dead wife. He doesn’t mention her at all, which I like. He’s not trying to play on sympathy.

I’m not sure about the winners here. Danny will get through as the top male, the chick slot will go to Ann Marie or Alexis, and then the third slot is a toss-up between Anoop and Michael. Brent is a long shot for a slot, but I think Michael will kick his ass in the country vote. If it were a talent competition instead of a popularity contest, Tatiana would be in the running, but everyone hates her so there’s no way she’ll get through.

Ryan stands on stage with all the contestants, reminds everyone to vote early and often, and then says “Now: local news,” which makes me laugh for some reason. You can almost hear the sound of a 20 million television sets changing the channel.

Who did you guys vote for tonight????