2018 Oscar Red Carpet Review

If I deem a red carpet event interesting enough, from a fashion perspective, I’m going to create a list of my best and worst, whether or not I’m being paid. So you can know that this is my true reaction to each item. And while not all of my comments are kind, they are almost never mean spirited. Maybe 4% of them. So if you’re the sensitive type, respectfully swipe left.

 

Nicole Kidman  in Armani Privé. This is what Nicole does best. I mean whatever, that’s a ridiculous statement. But she DOES pose in gowns reary reary well.

 

Jennifer Lawrence is contractually obligated to wear Dior, which wasn’t really a good thing, till Raf Simmons got ahold of the line and started making it fun again. And I want my hair curly like this.  Do people still perm? B/c my ass wont do this by hand each day.

Rita Moreno is a legend. She was in West Side story and Electric Company and lots of other things you’ve seen here and there. Most importantly, she’s wearing the very dress she wore to the 1962 Oscars, where she won for Best Supporting for West Side Story. xoxoxox.

 

Lindsey Vonn…. no.  I mean this in the most helpful way possible, but that’s something Christina Aguilera would wear.  On the beach.

 

Amatus Sami-Karim, the wife of actor Mahershala Ali showed up and I was forced to stop to rethink everything I ever new about art about fashion about what really are the building blocks of life? Did we come from the sea? With the absorption rate so low, are multivitamins even worth taking?   Everything this new again.

Jane Fonda in 44 Francois Premier… Let me just explain it this way.  When I insert photos in this post, I do so from a list of thumb nail images showing only the center of the photo.  So I had to pick Miss Fonda’s photo out based on identifying her waist, and I was able to with just a glance. 80 years old my ass.

 

Sandra Bullock in Louis Vuitton.  Dis bitch be 53 years old.

 

Emily Blunt in Schiaparelli is a darling sight, although she’s a children’s nursery rhyme away from starring in a horror film.

Blanco Blanco, Only in the US can a woman with credits like “Showgirls 2” and “Bermuda Tentacles” can end up on the Oscar carpet. Thought, to be fair, that doesn’t mean she actually got in. Anyway, Your dress makes more sense on an operation table than a red carpet.

 

Whoopi Goldberd…. Do your own thing and all, but this is just… just awful. Aside from what looks like a traditional African print, that belt is actually squishing the breath out of MY OWN body.

 

Maya Rudolph has joined a cult.  Probably a really funny on.

 

Full disclosure, I didn’t even see “I, Tonja” and yet Allison Janney had my full support over all others. If my fame squad has a den mother, it’s her. And she looks like a Disney queen and it’s fabulous.

Tiffany Haddish … Tiffany’s dress isn’t just beautiful, but you can sense its more than just a garment. Sad Tiffany on the red carpet “”My father is from Eritrea and he passed away last year—and he said one say I would end up here; and if I ever end up at the Oscars to honor my people, so I’m honoring my fellow Eritreans.”  – awesome

 

 

Molly Simms  in Naeem Khan is, I believe, the first instance I remember seeing a Naeem Khan garment and yawning.

Jennifer Garner always plays it elegant and really safe.  The color’s a departure, but mostly it’s just a lovey bridesmaid gown.

 

Lupita Nyong’o in Versace is why I tune in. She’s not going to take my top spot, but this woman is so gorgeous they should put her likeness on a coin.

 

I genuinely love Taraji P. Henson but I’m also for real afraid of her too. Like if I found myself on the Paramount parking lot and Taraji was coming down the hall I would freeze in place, lest I upset her with breathing. Before you tell me I’m confusing her with her character, Cookie, I respectfully ask you to look at her here and tell me the line isn’t blurred. 

 

Ashley Judd and Mira Sorvino followed a trend I saw a lot last night. No doubt spurred on by the #timesup and #metoo movements, the women came nearly makeup-less, embracing and walking the carpet as a team. Ashley and Mira were to of the actresses that were proven to have been blacklisted for refuting Harvey Weinsteins advances.

 

Abbie Cornish went with the totally boring trend of like… pale gray?  But I will say, this one has a lot more movement. Sweeping arms, swathed loops of silver embroidering on the bottom that is a really lux touch.

Matthew McConaughey wife Camila Alves… her dress is amazing.  Lack of makeup is a protest thing, so I can’t hate on it, but I hate it.

Viola Davis looks a little lost here. I love that she embraces color so much, but this looks very plastic and better suited in a discotheque.

 

Octavia Spencer has never not looked perfectly tailored and marvelous. Just perfect.

 

Sally hawkins’ Armani Privé dress looks to be far too heavy for her fragile frame. She’s giving me a real Sissy Spacek in Coal Miners Daughter here. But you seem like a doll. so do you.

 

Ansel Elgort posed with a beautiful girlfriend Violetta Komyshan … don’t know who they are so I’m going to just assume they’re part of some right wing funded experiment to recreate Adam and Eve? I can’t fathom another reason for so much perfection.

 

Emma Stone wore a Louis Vuitton pant suit… look I love a good pants suit anywhere. If you’re on the red carpet or a middle school track team.  But lets try and make them occasion appropriate, eh? I would have assumed she was an usher in this.

 

Gal Gadot Looks glamomazing in this shiny, slinky, fringie swingers dress.  Perfect Jewelry too.

 

Paz Vega, We’ve only just met and I’m ready to award you best dressed. That’s how great it is. This dress is as much architecture as it is fashion. Cherry blossoms, stripes, that amazing 60’s hair? I’m in love.  I wish I knew who made it.