Jamie Dornan’s penis won’t be in ’50 Shades of Grey’

We already knew that the 50 Shades of Grey movie was going to suck because a) the story itself sucks and b) they’re taking out all the rough sex, which was, you know, kinda the point of the book series. Well, now it gets even realer for those hoping for something to touch themselves to: Jamie Dornan won’t be showing his penis as Christian Grey. Oh, dear.

From The Guardian:

When asked how graphic the film is, he pauses, weighs his answer. “You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don’t want to make something gratuitous, and ugly, and graphic.”

So no sex then? “Sam is a very bright woman, so there might be some suggestive elements to it, but I haven’t seen it at this stage, so it is hard for me to say. I’m aware of what we shot, and it wasn’t as if we shot a film without any action.”

Was he completely in the nude? “There were contracts in place that said that viewers wouldn’t be seeing my, um…”

Todger? He laughs. “Yeah, my todger.”

Not like Ewan McGregor, then. He has it written into his contracts that his must be seen, at every possible opportunity. The laugh again. “Does he? Well, maybe Ewan has a more impressive girth.”

Always impressive when a grown man can’t seem to use the word “penis”, but whatever. I’m not quite sure how they’re going to fill 2 hours of screentime considering they seem to have cut out everything from the book, but who knows. I’m surprised this thing isn’t going to have a PG-13 rating, from all the “news” we’ve been hearing about it.