OMG.
So here’s a taste of what Dane Cook had to say on his MySpace blog about the poster for his upcoming film, My Best Friend’s Girl:
1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate’s mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.4. Lips:
It looks like I’m wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I’m a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It’s going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I’m also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.
For all the publicity this little blog post has generated, no one has pointed out that he misspelled Britney Spears’ name. This phenomenon continues to amaze me. It was totally acceptable during, like, the first year or so that she was famous. But Britney Spears has been an international celebrity for about a decade now. There is simply no excuse for an educated adult man working in the entertainment industry to be spelling it “Brittany.” And what blows my mind even further is that he got the possessive apostrophe right: “Brittany Spears‘ vagina.” So, like, there’s a tiny portion of his brain focused on spelling and grammar here, and, yet, he’s still calling her “Brittany.” Unbelievable.
There are like an additional eight million errors and inconsistencies in this post, but the “Brittany” issue felt, to me, to be the most pressing. It makes my brain want to explode a little bit.
Dane Cook is such a moron. I would still have sex with him, mind you, because he’s kind of hot, but he’s a moron. In fact, here’s what I would do: I would let him be on top, and have sex with me for two or three minutes or however long it took him to finish. Then, while he was sleeping, I would wander around his house with a red pen and make grammatical edits to any piece of his writing I could find around the house. And then I would have an orgasm. I’m a little tingly just fantasizing about it.
Dane’s entire blog entry is after the jump.
Dear Diary
[BEFORE YOU READ THIS OPEN ANOTHER WINDOW AND SEARCH FOR “MY BEST FRIENDS GIRL” POSTER … FOR VISUAL AID]
Before the downpour let me just say that my new movie, “My Best Friends Girl,” is the best / funniest film I’ve done yet. It’s got a terrific cast. Kate Hudson, Alec Baldwin, Jason Biggs, and myself really kicked the funny around. This movie showcases our talents accordingly as it expands on them. It’s a fun R-rated flick. An edgy comedy with a dash of romance.
That being said, let me address the fact that although I’m not a marketing major, I have a bit of a trusted reputation after 18 years self promoting. I’d like to inform you I had no say in this marketing campaign, but if I did, things would be different since it is obvious that this poster is boring / odd and has zero to do with the movie I performed in.
Here are a few things that truly blow about my upcoming movie poster to promote the release of the film opening on September 19th:
1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.
2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.
3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate’s mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.
4. Lips:
It looks like I’m wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I’m a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!
5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It’s going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I’m also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.
6. Flesh:
It’s no secret that I’m more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I’ve got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin’ bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond’s dolls would look at me and say “shit … that guys got flawless skin!”
7. Hair:
It’s actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin’.
8. The set:
Pick one. This entire film takes place:
A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime
9. The cast:
Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.
10. Final thoughts:
I set out to make a movie like the contemporary men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.
Granted, one poster stinking up the joint isn’t the end of the world. Yet it sends the wrong message about our movie and I just wanted you to know, that I feel the pain. I really love the film and I know from past missteps marketing wise that the wrong poster sends the wrong audience into the theater.
Thanks again for all of your support. If you have not seen the red band trailer (which is excellent and represents the flick accordingly) watch it below! Just click of the mute button and your rolling!
PS – “Its funny what love can make you do.” I just threw up all over this awful poster.
Wow, wait … it looks better.
Hey … I love my new movie. Jeez … it IS funny what love can make you do.
This guy is the absolute worst “comedian” I’ve ever seen. I’m betting he’s popular more because women like Beet find him hot rather than him actually being funny and talented. I seriously feel like I’m reading a 17 year old girls blog sometimes when I’m reading this thing. Kinda sad.
He does suck, and I noticed that too and it pissed me off.
I understand where Beet is coming from. Sometimes smart women like myself (and Beet) crave a little cute moron action. It’s somewhat akin to what I like to call the “construction worker” syndrome, as in “male bimbo.” Just tell the guy to shut the fuck up, take a shower, get to it, then leave, pronto!
Beet, you crack me up!
Eh, like you get every little detail correct about celebrities that you should know all about. The poster is rather low budget looking, and his post was kinda funny.
What a narcissistic ass.
i actually thought the whole thing was kinda funny. but then i was a 17 year old girl with a blog only about 26 months ago.
Who the hell is Dane Cook??? Does he play the title character in the Ben Stiller soon-to-be classic “Simple Jack”?
I think it would be an improvement if his entire face was melting off.
Dane Cook is not that attractive up close. Sorry, girls.
ya hes a total douche, but hes right, that poster is gross, id be like WTF too if that was my face.
I knew this reminded me of something. Dane Cook’s movie poster for Good Luck Chuck was featured at the Photoshop Disasters blog in April.
What a douchefag
dane cook is the man.
Dane Cook = Unfunny no talent Douchebag IMO. Everytime I see him “perform” I think to myself, “There is no way people can actually think this retard is funny.”
i do kinda get his point, though, i’ve seen the trailer for this movie and the poster is fully mis-representing it.
HA! I’m starting to love you like I love Michael K.
I think he’s funny. He’s not hilarious but he can get some chuckles out of me. I saw him when he came to Phoenix last year and yes, I laughed. OH! Before I forget, yes, he’s old. God love him. He looks haggard up close and personal.
But I’d still hit it. :P
I agree with him, that is some photoshop buggery.
Beet, are you saying you only have one orgasm during sex? Poor girl.
“And what blows my mind even further is that he got the possessive apostrophe right.” – Well, maybe. There actually has been some discussion about whether his usage is correct w/r/t this particular celebrity. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Reference_desk/Archives/Language/2007_September_10#Britney_Spears.27_or_Britney_Spears.27s
I’m deferring to Strunk & White and going with “Spears’s,” because I don’t think I’m ready to give her Jesus’ or Socrates’ historical significance just yet.
the fact that he knows maybelline diamond water shine lipstick makes me think he’s a secret tranny … i mean, sereiously – how many men know that much about makeup?!
@SD:
I lol’d at your post, but I do remember reading somewhere that if you don’t pronounce the possessive “s” — like you’d say “Jesuses” but not “Spearses” — then you can leave it off.
I actually had this conversation, almost verbatim, with a poster a couple years ago. I’d go back and find what I linked to, but I’m hungry.
granted im not a huge fan of dane cook – but your entry makes you sound like a complete weirdo
I thought his comments were funny but then I looked at the poster. It’s not THAT bad. All movie posters are kind of dorky. Get over it (and yourself), Dane.
His comments are hilarious! And who wants to spell Brittany Spaas’ name right, anyway?
Actually, I think he’s spot on in his criticism of that poster — it’s horrific. Thought the blog post was pretty funny.
That we would judge anyone by whether or not they know how to spell Britney Spears’ name is incredibly frightening though. I think you need to step outside your cube, Beet — the world actually does NOT revolve around Britney. Or Lindsay and Sam, for that matter.
@JustPassingBy:
you’re DAMN RIGHT. that poster is atrocious. I’m not a fan of Dane Cook, but I’m shocked he didn’t rip it apart even more. I would be pissed if that were a poster for my movie. I don’t know(or care) how to spell britts name right as well. I see her face every freakin day and that is MORE than enough for me.
Hey everyone, let’s scrutinize everything Dane Cook does because we hate him!
It’s a horrible poster and the blog post is kinda funny. BUT OH NO! It’s Dane Cook. He, and therefore it, sucks.
One of Marie Osmond’s dolls would never say shit. Pooh, more like.
I actually don’t believe that he is an moron or an ass or the worst comedian ever! Grow up people! So what if he spelled Britney’s name wrong! Its not the end of the world, he probably spelled it Brittany because alot of people spell their name that way! Lets bitch about it a little more! And get this he is a COMEDIAN!!! wow hold on lets grasp that again! Get some humor people! It was most likely meant to be funny to make fun of it! I dont know I guess he does get paid for it! and it did get publicity!! Im SHOCKED that this blew up more than it should have!
YEAH! I’m not alone
I do think he is not funny at all!!
don’t women find a man attractive when he is ACTUALLY funny??
I just don’t get it
I think that analyze his blog isn’t very deep … but we’re trashing him, so IT’S COOL
Well to be fair, that is a pretty terrible poster.
I have no idea who he is, but all his points made me laugh, and I think he’s right about the poster.
Also, Brittany is the normal spelling of the name, and I wouldn’t expect most people to know Britney’s variant spelling, but I think it’s a little surprising from someone who works in the entertainment industry.
Some people might get laid more if they were not so obsessive about spelling or grammatical errors… just a thought.
He’s way to in love with himself.
ummm, too in love. *sigh*
Eh, I don’t know, guys. Considering how many of us likely read the Fug Girls and all the (awesome and true) bitchery at Pajiba about how misleading movie trailers pander to as many people as possible to get a good audience (and say, wasn’t one of those lamented films the craptacular “Good Luck Chuck?” Coincidence?)… I think this article is just a little bit arrogant. I mean, calling the guy out on being a diva for dissecting a movie poster via dissecting a blog he wrote on the subject? Are we mad we got scooped on pointing out the flaws?
(Except for the Britney/Brittany spelling. That one chafed my brain, too.)
dude dane cook is fucking awesome. fuck the haters.
who gives a shit if he misspelled stuff and shit.
fuck yall. he rocks.
I love Dane Cook is the shit..so take a big whiff. Its called “intellectual humor” you’d actually have to have an IQ higher than 100 to get it… Its funny as HELL cause he talks about stuff that really happens… not smokin weed and racist shit, like other comics. Funny how people hate what they can’t get, I bet all ya’lls fav movies are shit like Scary Movie and Friday and stupid shit like that. Get a fucking life and quit hating and those that are better than you.