American Music Awards Outfits: The Best, Worst, And WTF

The American Music Awards happened and I don’t think anyone really cared that much, but here’s your outfit recap, just in case. Yeah, it’s a day late. Honestly, who really cares? We covered Katy Perry’s “is this offensive” Geisha performance, which was probably the most interesting thing of the whole night. So here’s the outfits, a touch late, but we can still have fun oooo-ing and aaaah-ing and WTF-ing. Which is what I’ll need your help with. I want you to pick the best, worst, and most WTF outfit of the night. Here we go!

First, even though Lady Gaga had to ride in on a goddamn human-people horse…

…she’s never looked more beautiful.

Even though she’s doing some Donatella Versace look (it makes sense), she looks miles more gorgeous than Donatella, and I think the long blonde hair and minimal makeup works really well on Gaga. Beautiful. If not for the goddamn contrived horse, she would be my favorite. I don’t know what Gaga is doing to her face, but it’s really working out for me.

Moving on!

Remember Alicia Silverstone? She was there, posing awkwardly. That pattern is really hard to pull off. I think part of it is the camera angle, but part of it is the length. A hair shorter, right under the thigh, and this wouldn’t have looked so boxy. But damn look at her working that hair and makeup. She looks great!

Even in this sequined gown with bigass diamond ring, I still think Ariane Grande looks like a little girl. Neck down all Housewife of Whatever, neck up it’s like Dorothy Gale in 2013. I’ve never been so confused by one person. It’s not a bad thing at all, it’s just confusing.

Bonnie McKee. I hate everything about this look. The whole thing, from the dyed hair to the mermaid cut wedding-ish dress, is all so tacky. SORRY!

Here we have Brandi Cyrus, Miley‘s older half-sister. This is perfect and classy. I even like the shoes. They’re nice hint of wacky. Well done.

Christina Aguilera looks glorious, doesn’t she? Would love the dress 10x more without the cutouts. If not for those, this would be perfect for me. She still looks ~~beautiful~~.

Here we have Emma Roberts, boyfriend-beater and line-cutter. That shiny trash bag is all kinds of not flattering. No idea what she was thinking. But who ever knows what she’s thinking about anything? Girl has issues.

So this is the band Fifth Harmony? More like Fifth Hotmess. This looks like a terrible ad for Forever 21.

Heidi Klum has been slipping in her red carpet style lately. Slipping right into a paper shredder, am I right? Ahhhh, we like to have fun here.

Jaimie Alexander is now best known for wearing a tacky dress to a film premiere, so it’s interesting that she opted for pants this time.

Here’s Jordin Sparks kind of impersonating Angelina Jolie’s Leg. Like her shoes, like the bottom part, HATE the top part of the dress.

Katy Perry, you guys. Katy Perry looked GORGEOUS. Especially her makeup:

But why the hell is she holding a dictionary??

Someone tell me what I’m not getting. Is there a flask hidden inside? Was she criticized for not using a word properly? Was she planning on getting bored enough to read the dictionary? Help.

Here’s Ke$ha, also doing an AJL. I HATE the bunching/ruching thing but other than that, I think she looks pretty and great. Wish she’d smile more, though.

I love the idea, but the whole thing is just not working for me, Miss Kelly Osbourne. It’s like a punk Mad Men which normally I would love but I think this is just a mess.

This is someone named Keltie Knight. I think she’s some sort of blogger/on-air correspondent. I shared this because I think it’s absolutely dreadful. Just diabolical. Am I way off?

I am amazed by how refrained and subdued Kylie Jenner kept her outfit. Not my fave look, but she looks good. Would like this so much more if not for those boots.

Lance Bass. Loving the suit. I’m even gonna allow the shiny Marty McFly-esque sneakers. Maybe let those pants out a little though, Lance.

This is Maia Mitchell, an Australian singer and actress. I’m including her because I LOVE this look. The whole thing, even the purple-ish lipstick. I’m dying for those shoes. And the dress. Love the whole thing.

WHAT THE F-CK? MILEY LOOKS GOOD? WHAT IS THIS SORCERY? Seriously, I love this look on her. Love the suit and the bigass safety pins. I even love the “I’m a business woman” black heels. Way to go, Miles.

Nicole Richie looks like she’s wearing Ms. Aguilera’s dress with deeper and wider cut-outs and I don’t like it. I don’t think this is a good look for her. She looks like she’s going to time travel real quick to MTV’s Spring Break 1987. And yes, MTV Spring Break was around that long, I checked. It started in 1986. Doesn’t that blow your mind? Anyway yeah, this dress sucks.

[Image removed on request]

Sarah Silverman has really been BRINGING IT to awards and events lately. I think she looks gorgeous. Love the color, love the neckline, not sure about the hint of peplum, but overall, I love this and thinks she looks beautiful.

And finally, Taylor Swift. What is going on with this girl? Why does she want to look like a Real Housewife so badly? Yeah she looks stunning — look at that goddamn skinny toned body — but the dress and the hair really makes her look so much older and tackier. Am I alone on this?

SO FIRST, HERE ARE MY PICKS:

BEST: Katy Perry — would have been Gaga if not for that damn stupid horse, which she was using as an accessory, so it counts.

WORST: Kelly Osbourne

WTF: Miley Cyrus, because she pleasantly surprised me, and that to me is a WTF.

YOUR TURN!!!!!