AmIdol Recap: Top 8

I’ll start out by warning you all that I napped this afternoon, so you won’t be privy to any of my insomnia-induced diatribes this evening. Hopefully I can still make this interesting.

It’s LATIN night tonight. What could possibly go wrong (cough … Haley Scarnato). And, ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Drive is in the audience tonight! Who are they? What is Drive? WHO KNOWS?! But I’m guessing it airs on Fox. Ryan’s wearing lavender again. That never gets old. Oh, wait, except it does.

Jenny from the Block is here, and it turns out she’s kind of famous and successful. They fail to show any of her clips as a Fly Girl on In Living Color, and I think that’s just an all-around failure on Fox’s part. Ooh, and she speaks Spanish! Sometimes she sings in it, too. She gives the contestants some predictably bland advice about what the audience is looking for, and states in her interview that she does have some favorites, although she won’t say who.

Melinda Doolittle. “Sway.” Is “sultriest” a word? JLo just used it. Melinda’s all like, “I’m so not sexy! Eeee!” and I want to slap her. I want to be like “No, you’re not! You know why? The teeth! American parents are forever grateful to you, as they no longer have to remind their children to brush their teeth. The kids watch American Idol. They get it now. The show finishes and the kids are all like ‘Mom, can I go brush my teeth now?'” She kills the song, of course. She looks very nice, in a simple black dress and pearls. Randy thought it was a solid performance. Paula thought it was “subtle and sexy and beautiful.” Simon didn’t like it. He doesn’t think she brought enough personality, and thought she appeared old. Melinda actually seems kind of relieved that her perfect streak was broken.

LaKisha. Getting direction from the best of the best on how to say “conga.” LaKisha is understandably confused, as, here in the land of English as a Primary Language, the word is pronounced “cahnga,” but in Jennifer Lopez’s Universe of Affected Latina Accents, it absolutely must be pronounced “cohnga.” They work on this for awhile. Then, all of a sudden, Jennifer Lopez is having a seizure! An angry seizure! Oh, wait, no, she’s showing LaKisha how to dance. Now LaKisha’s face is fighting with her breasts for camera space. The camera guy’s all like, “Pan out, pan out!!!” because her breasts are taking up the whole screen. I would tell you what LaKisha is wearing, but it has already sent me into a Lopez-style seizure. Oh, this isn’t good at all. This girl is so not equipped for this song. Ha! She’s pronouncing the word “cahnga.” Like it’s supposed to be pronounced. Rock on, LK. That’s easily the most entertaining part of this. The rest is just kind of sad to watch. She doesn’t know how to work with a song she can’t belt. And she’s so focused on getting the dance steps right I’m amazed she’s even singing the right words. Randy thought she was having a good time — honestly, to me, it seemed like she was panicking — and thought it was “hot.” I disagree. Paula didn’t really like it. Simon agrees with Paula that she just wasn’t all that interesting to watch, and the dancing wasn’t very good. Simon accuses Ryan of being gay because we’re 17 minutes in and it’s about time someone used the most popular television show in the country to imply that homosexuality is something to be ashamed of. Every. Single. Time.

Chris Richardson. “Smooth.” This is probably a good song in general, but I had this roommate in college who played it all the fucking time so I kind of hate it now. And this one time I got back from spending the weekend at my boyfriend’s and there were new sheets on my bed and I was like “Katie, why are there new sheets on my bed?” and she was like “Um, I’m giving them to you,” and I was like “Oh, that’s nice, Katie, but where are my old sheets?” and she didn’t really have an answer to that. Ah, college. We have a brief discussion about the word “munaquita,” because Chris wants to say it as “munaquita,” without the tilde sound, the way Rob Thomas does when he sings it, and JLo won’t stand for it. JLo instructs the pianist to bring the song up a full step, and somehow, once he’s live, it still sounds like he’s starting way too low. Oh, wait, he noticed, and for the second phrase he brings it up to the right octave. That was actually very professional of him. This isn’t horrible. Richardson is really starting to grow into himself. Or, you know, into Lauren Conrad’s vagina. Either way, he’s much more of a presence now than he was at the start. He has a fucking killer run at the end. I’d written him off along time ago, and perhaps wrongly. This was a good performance. Randy liked it a lot, Paula thought it was “hot.” Simon thought it was good, the best so far.

Haley Scarnato. “Turn the Beat Around.” I like Jennifer Lopez because she tells us in her interviews what the contestants are singing, and that saves me the trouble of googling all the songs. That is about all I like about Jennifer Lopez. She’s also kind of like, “Um, this isn’t going to go well,” and, based on the rehearsal footage, I agree. At least Haley thought to wear basically nothing. She’s always good about that. She starts on the wrong beat, forgets the words, and I can’t hear her over the background singers. And this is all in the first ten seconds. But her hair? Looks great. Oh, this is really bad. I think she’s trying to look aggressive, but she just looks angry. The runs are generally way off, and she’s not comfortable with the level of audience interactivity here. Randy was like “Dude, that sucked ass.” Paula’s like “You had fun up there,” but she didn’t, not at all, she was freaking out the whole time, because she knew she was bombing. Simon’s just laughing. Ha! Simon’s like “I think you have a very good tactic here, Haley: wear the least amount of clothes as possible.” Simon and I are soulmates.

Phil Stacey. “Maria Maria.” (Thanks, Jen!) I think the boys probably have a de facto advantage here, because the Latin songs for men lend themselves better to this type of live performance. Phil does a very nice job with the song. I think I found him sexy once, but that’s all gone. He’s wearing this snap-brim hat, pink button-down shirt and poorly fitted black jacket with what appear to be shoulder pads. It’s like the cast of Oliver! got into the Artful Dodger’s weed supply. Oh, did I mention the flared denim jeans? Those go well with this whole look. This stylist should be taken outside and shot. His voice cracks on the last run, but it’s still pretty good. Randy wasn’t impressed. Paula thought it was a very good vocal. Simon thought it was unoriginal.

Jordin Sparks. She looks very, very nice. “The Rhythm is Going to Get You.” They’ve straightened her hair (and thrown in some extensions) and done her make-up very well, and she looks — dare I say it — beautiful. I think they’re grooming her. And I mean that in both senses. Vocally, she’s not super-strong. Most of these kids just haven’t mastered the art of, you know, moving and singing at the same time. It’s okay. It takes practice. Toward the end, she stays in one place and finishes very well. Randy loved her. Paula talks. Simon thought it was just “okay.” I completely agree. She still dwarfs Ryan, so it’s nice to see that some things never change.

Blake Lewis. “I Need to Know,” by Marc Anthony. Suck-up. If there’s one thing Blake understands that no one else on this show does, it’s how to perform with your body and your voice simultaneously. He enters like an old pro. He’s wearing, like, a bee-keeper hat. I don’t get it. He looks older tonight, though, and he’s sexy to me for the first time. Normally he looks too boyish, but not tonight. I bet he’s getting laid a lot right now. It’s bringing out his “adult male” side. That’s cute. Randy liked it. So did Paula. The word “essence” is used. Simon thought it was the best performance so far, and I’d agree.

Last but not least: SANJAYA!!! HOORAY!!! Ryan’s in the audience with Sanjaya’s sister and her hot boyfriend, who’s wearing his hair in the faux-hawk style Sanjaya sported a couple weeks back. Oh how very funny. “Besame Mucho.” Oh, Jesus. Please tell me this whole song is in Spanish. Oh fuck yes. He’s going to sing the whole damn song in Spanish. His hair is fairly standard tonight, but he’s sporting a soul patch, a goatee and a ‘stache, so he’s totally nailed the whole “terrorist” look. “Sing with passion? Who has time? I’ve invested all my energy in growing this killer ‘stache, man. I mean, sure, other people have the time to belt notes and put emotion into their performances, but they’re not focused on giving sexy looks to the camera, dude.” Predictably awful. Randy is laughing. He thought it was “really good.” Paula says it was “nice.” Simon’s like “You sang like a fourteen-year-old,” but, he adds, “it wasn’t horrible.” They’re tired of criticizing, I think. They know it won’t matter.

Who goes home? Eh, LaKisha probably, but maybe Haley.