Grammy Fashion 2013

The 55th Annual Grammy Awards happened last night and all that means to me is that we get to “Ooh!” and “Ahh!” and “WTF?” over what everyone was wearing. There were guidelines this year for what attendees could and could not wear. I mean, really! Here are some highlights:

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. […] Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible ‘puffy’ bare skin exposure.

Hee hee, puffy! That’s some creative phrasing.

So let’s get to some standouts, for better or for worse.

Singer Carly Rae Jepsen may have finally redeemed herself in my eyes after that diabolical BCBG nightmare of an outfit she wore at the 2012 Billboard Music Awards. (Rumor has it someone was fired over that outfit. I hope so.)

Justin Timberlake is just the cutest ventriloquist dummy I’ve ever seen!

Kimbra and Gotye of That Song That Wore Out Its Welcome Almost Immediately are doing a little something here that I’m trying to understand. I think he is going for that classic hipster-has-to-go-to-a-real-party thing, while she seems to be veering into Katy Perry territory. Let me say: I like it. I’m not bored!

And speaking of, here’s our lovely girl Katy Perry. She’s a lot more subdued than usual. For her. I like the color. I’m not sure I like anything else. She looks gorgeous regardless.

Loving Kelly Osbourne‘s vaguely ’90s Versace-ish cutout dress. Not loving the untouched roots.

Chris Brown showed up in a white suit with an incredibly unpleasant expression on his face, so you’ll just have to picture that here, because f-ck Chris Brown.

Really glad Skrillex got out of detention for smoking behind in the bleachers in 1986 in time to be with us tonight.

Erica Campbell of the gospel duo Mary Mary is wearing shoes so bizarre that I must have them, if only to view from every angle.

Look! It’s my favorite Tom Cruise ex-wife, Nicole Kidman! (Followed closely by Mimi Rogers. Sorry, Katie. But not really.) And with her is husband and Australian Country singer (I still don’t really get this) Keith Urban. You can tell that he’s rugged and real because he’s not wearing a tie or dress shoes, or anything nice at all. But Kidman looks beautiful, like a tall glass of champagne! I wish I had champagne right now.

Oh, Adele. Why are you always so hellbent on looking two decades older than you are?

Here’s Janelle Monae doing her Janelle Monae thing. At least it’s not boring!

Like this. Carrie Underwood: stunning but boring. Well actually, I’ll give her some credit. That’s a very interesting pattern on that sparkly black strapless gown. Not as boring as usual.

And speaking of stunning but boring, the lovely Taylor Swift.

Here we have Jennifer Lopez doing…whatever this is. Whatever this is, it’s happening.

Florence Welch AKA Florence and the Machine, is never boring, but I’m not sure how it paid off here. I think I would be more into it if the hair wasn’t so, “I’m just gonna wash my face real quick before I dive into bed and catch up on Revenge.” There’s also something about the makeup that seems faded and dulled. I don’t know. I have many feelings right now. Ever so many.

Who was your favorite and least favorite on the red carpet?