Surprise: Harry Styles Broke Up with Taylor Swift Because She’s Crazy

Boy howdy (is that a thing people say?), I bet you didn’t see that one coming! These two kids just broke up a few days ago, so the rumors are just now beginning to come out. You knew you’d see them here, but how could you know that they would paint Taylor Swift in such a crazy light?

Here, I’ll break it down for you: Taylor Swift is crazy. She is clingy and obsessive and weird. She is like Edward in Twilight, without the sparkles and the superpowers. She will sneak into your bedroom at night to watch you sleep, but you’ll know she’s there because you can hear her breathing. She’s creepy. It’s a fact.

But to get into specifics, she’s the kind of girl who doesn’t want her boyfriend to talk to anyone else with a vagina. Harry is still good friends with an ex-girlfriend, and Taylor didn’t like it. In fact, she didn’t like it to the point where she was “nagging him, quizzing him on his intentions with various women and generally having very little faith in him,” and then “it all became too much and Harry found her a little too demanding.” I don’t think any of us will have any problem believing that, right?

Another story adds that since Taylor is more famous than Harry, “she always brushed off his schedule and needs and put hers first.” When they got into a fight about it, Taylor allegedly told him “you’re lucky to be with me.” Yikes. Oh, but the source for this story also mentions that Harry “wasn’t committed enough for her liking,” which I’m assuming means that he wasn’t interested in getting married on their second date.

I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like some congratulations are in order. Little Harry Styles is so young, but he managed to hop off the crazy train so soon! I think that shows an amazing kind of strength that not many possess. He also has excellent timing: Taylor just released a new album. She won’t release a new one for at least a year, and when there are songs about Harry on there, which there definitely will be, everyone will be like “jeez, girl, don’t be so pathetic.” At least, that’s the way things play out in my head. It also includes some stuff with a bucket of blood and telekinesis, but I really don’t want to get into all of it right now.