The 2012 Teen Choice Awards Winners, or I Don’t Even Know Why I’m Writing This Post as I’d Like to Call It

Before you ask, no, I did not watch the 2012 Teen Choice Awards, and before some of you start off with, “Well, that’s kind of your *job*, Sarah, to subject yourselves to these (sometimes- but always-in-the-case-of-Kids’-Choice-or-Teen-Choice-Awards horrendous shows),” but let me correct you—no, it’s not. There is not a person in this world paid enough to sit through three-plus hours of Justin Bieber, unless, of course, you’re Justin Bieber. OK? What did I do, then, last night? Well I barbecued. I had fish and corn and sausage and I fell asleep by 8 PM. That’s what “heat” and “age” and “overeating” do to a person, you know?

Here’s the list, if you’re all still hot and bothered to know who won:

Choice TV Show: Drama
“Pretty Little Liars”

Choice TV Actor: Drama
Ian Harding, “Pretty Little Liars”

Choice TV Actress: Drama
Lucy Hale, “Pretty Little Liars”

Choice TV Show: Fantasy/Sci-Fi
“The Vampire Diaries”

Choice TV Actor: Fantasy/Sci-Fi
Ian Somerhalder, “The Vampire Diaries”

Choice TV Actress: Fantasy/Sci-Fi
Nina Dobrev, “The Vampire Diaries”

Choice TV Show: Action
“CSI: Miami”

Choice TV Actor: Action
Adam Rodriguez, “CSI: Miami”

Choice TV Actress: Action
Linda Hunt, “NCIS: Los Angeles”

Choice TV Show: Comedy
“Glee”

Choice TV Actor: Comedy
Chris Colfer, “Glee”

Choice TV Actress: Comedy
Lea Michele, “Glee”

Choice TV: Animated Show
“The Simpsons”

Choice TV: Male Personality
Simon Cowell, “The X Factor”

Choice TV: Female Personality
Jennifer Lopez, “American Idol”

Choice TV: Reality Competition Show
“The X Factor”

Choice TV: Reality Show
“Punk’d”

Choice TV: Male Reality Star
Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio, “Jersey Shore” and “The Pauly D Project”

Choice TV: Female Reality Star
The Kardashians, “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

Choice Summer TV Show
“Teen Wolf”

Choice Summer TV Star: Female
Troian Bellisario, “Pretty Little Liars”

Choice Summer TV Star: Male
Tyler Posey, “Teen Wolf”

Choice TV Villain
Janel Parrish, “Pretty Little Liars”

Choice TV Female Scene Stealer
Candice Accola, “The Vampire Dairies”

Choice TV Male Scene Stealer
Michael Trevino, “The Vampire Diaries”

Choice TV Breakout Show
“The X Factor”

Choice TV Breakout Star: Female
Hannah Simone, “New Girl”

Choice TV Breakout Star: Male
Beau Mirchoff, “Awkward”

MOVIES
Choice Movie: Action
“Abduction”

Choice Movie Actor: Action
Taylor Lautner, “Abduction”

Choice Movie Actress: Action
Zoe Saldana, “Colombiana”

Choice Movie: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
“The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie Actor: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Josh Hutcherson, “The Hunger Games” and “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island”

Choice Movie Actress: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Jennifer Lawrence, “The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie: Drama
“The Lucky One”

Choice Movie Actor: Drama
Zac Efron, “The Lucky One”

Choice Movie Actress: Drama
Emma Stone, “The Help”

Choice Movie: Comedy
“21 Jump Street”

Choice Movie Actor: Comedy
Channing Tatum, “21 Jump Street”

Choice Movie Actress: Comedy
Emma Stone, “Crazy, Stupid, Love.”

Choice Movie: Romance
“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1””

Choice Movie Actor: Romance
Zac Efron, “The Lucky One”

Choice Movie Actress: Romance
Kristen Stewart, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1”

Choice Movie Voice
Taylor Swift as Audrey, “Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax”

Choice Movie Chemistry
Jennifer Lawrence and Amandla Stenberg, “The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie Liplock
Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson, “The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie Hissy Fit
Charlize Theron, “Snow White & The Huntsman”

Choice Movie Villain
Alexander Ludwig, “The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie Scene Stealer: Male
Liam Hemsworth, “The Hunger Games”

Choice Movie Scene Stealer: Female
Ashley Greene, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1”

Choice Movie Breakout
Rihanna, “Battleship”

Choice Summer Movie: Action
“The Avengers”

Choice Summer Movie: Comedy/Music
“Katy Perry: Part of Me”

Choice Summer Movie Star: Male
Chris Hemsworth, “Snow White & The Huntsman” and “The Avengers”

Choice Summer Movie Star: Female
Kristen Stewart, “Snow White & The Huntsman”

MUSIC
Choice Male Artist
Justin Bieber

Choice Female Artist
Taylor Swift

Choice Music Group
Selena Gomez & The Scene

Choice R&B/Hip-Hop Artist
Nicki Minaj

Choice R&B/Hip-Hop Song
“Starships,” Nicki Minaj

Choice Rock Group
fun.

Choice Rock Song
“Paradise,” Coldplay

Choice Electronic Dance Music (EDM) Artist
David Guetta

Choice Single by a Group
“We Are Young,” fun. featuring Janelle Monáe

Choice Single by a Female Artist
“Eyes Open,” Taylor Swift

Choice Single by a Male Artist
“Boyfriend,” Justin Bieber

Choice Male Country Artist
Hunter Hayes

Choice Female Country Artist
Taylor Swift

Choice Country Song
“Sparks Fly,” Taylor Swift

Choice Country Group
Lady Antebellum

Choice Summer Song
“Call Me Maybe,” Carly Rae Jepsen

Choice Love Song
“What Makes You Beautiful,” One Direction

Choice Break-Up Song
“Payphone,” Maroon 5 featuring Wiz Khalifa

Choice Summer Music Star: Female
Demi Lovato

Choice Summer Music Star: Male
Justin Bieber

Choice Summer Music Star: Group
One Direction

Choice Music: Breakout Artist
Carly Rae Jepsen

Choice Music: Breakout Group
One Direction
FASHION
Choice Fashion Icon: Female
Katy Perry

Choice Fashion Icon: Male
Justin Bieber

Choice Female Hottie
Miley Cyrus

Choice Male Hottie
Ian Somerhalder
SPORTS
Choice Female Athlete
Serena Williams (Tennis)

Choice Male Athlete
David Beckham (Soccer)
OTHER
Choice Book
“The Hunger Games” trilogy, Suzanne Collins

Choice Comedian
Ellen DeGeneres

Choice Twit
Demi Lovato

Choice Web Star
Sophia Grace and Rosie

Choice Video Game
Just Dance 3

Choice Social Network
Facebook