OMG I Wish I Could Have Gotten the “Sex Talk” from Ashton Kutcher

Ohhhhh, I remember the sex talk. I tried to avoid it forever. Whenever my mom would be like, “We need to have a serious conversation, Beet,” I’d be like, “I have anywhere else to be.” And sometimes I would just shout at her that I hated her and run away. At one point, she resorted to putting a copy of What’s Happening to My Body? in the bathroom cabinet. This made the bathroom cabinet taboo to me, and I refused to open it, even to get a fresh roll of toilet paper. I knew what was inside: that evil, evil book. I could seriously think of absolutely nothing worse than talking to my mother about sex, my menstrual period, my breasts, or anything even remotely similar.

This is when I was 11 or 12, and my mother was a stay-at-home mom. Today, my mother is a licensed sex therapist, and has painting of penises all over my old bedroom, which is now her office, and the shelves are packed with books with names like “The Female Orgasm” and “Navigating Oral Sex” and “Sisters,” which is a book of black-and-white nude, lesbianesque photographs, which a boyfriend once picked up on his very first visit to my mother’s house, thinking it had an innocent-enough title. “Oh,” he said, “This is porn.” My mom was like, “Oh, no, sweetheart. That’s art. If you want porn, it’s in the other room.” I very nearly died. Of laughter.

Anyway, Ashton Kutcher’s talking to Elle about having the sex talk with Demi Moore’s daughters, who I’m sure are delighted beyond words to have Ashton Kutcher giving them their sex talk. It would be like if Joey McIntyre had been there to talk to me about having sex at age 11. It just would have made the whole experience a lot more awesome.

Says Ashton:

“I knew that one of the girls had had sex and hadn’t really talked to us about it, so I wanted to create an open forum for her. So over Christmas last year, we had a conversation about sex — all of us except Tallulah, the youngest … and one boyfriend was there.”

Why doesn’t Tallulah get the sex talk?? She’s 14 years old! Who the hell isn’t having sex at 14 these days?

He also chats with the girls about weed:

“I’ve learned how to talk to a kid about sex and drugs — pot in particular. … You can’t try to conceal any of your own history. Because when they find out about you, you become a liar. … ‘You’re not going to die,’ but I also told them that I have a lot of friends who I used to smoke pot with, and a lot of them are still just hanging out smoking pot.”

Oh, Ashton. Come over to my place and talk sex and drugs to me. I’ll be an eager student.