Tom Cruise Doesn’t Disappoint in Rock of Ages

… You know, if, of course, you’re like me and have this unexplainable urge to vomit all over Tom Cruise’s face and weird body every time you see him on television or in magazines, because guys? He did not disappoint.

We’ve talked about Tom Cruise and his new, craptastic role as Stacee Jaxx in Rock of Ages, but thus far, you’ve been spared both excessive commentary from him and any abundance of real photos where the obnoxiousness-level is at an all-time high, but I’m here to pop your safe little bubble today, oh yes. That W magazine cover we looked at the other day? Here’s a snippet of the interview, and if that doesn’t put you completely off your breakfast, then the accompanying photos certainly will.

Tom on the most ridiculously redundant question anyone could possibly ask Tom Cruise—whether he sang around the house as a kid:

“You know what? I did the scene from Risky Business around the house. I would sing Bob Seger—my mother worked, my sisters were out, and I’d turn the music up. I learned how to dance watching Soul Train. I noticed that if a guy could dance, he’d get a lot of attention and girls would want to dance with him. I worked very hard at imitating those moves.”

And then Tom on name-dropping his wife just for the express purpose of letting us know that he still calls her ‘Kate‘, because ‘Katie’ is apparently too bourgeoisie:

“Kate [Holmes, Cruise’s wife] loves musicals. She sings and dances, and we kind of went through the history of musicals together. And Suri loved Hairspray. With kids, you watch everything over and over; I watched Hairspray 15 times with Suri. I thought Adam Shankman did a great job directing the movie, so I arranged to meet him and said, “Where’s our musical?” He came back and said, “Rock of Ages.” We went and saw it in L.A., and for me…I didn’t know how to play the character like that. I had to find my own Stacee Jaxx.”

On—gag—being “sexy” in the film:

“I knew we had to push the sexuality because of the nature of the character and the songs. He’s singing, “I Want to Know What Love Is.” Adam has a sweetness with this stuff, so you can push things pretty hard. With Malin, I thought of Susan Sarandon in The Rocky Horror Picture Show—incredibly sexy and very sweet.”

Ugh. Are you satisfied yet? Because I just about vomited my water. Forget the breakfast—I was barely able to stay hydrated while reading this drivel.

Be sure to check out the photos in the gallery if you really want to drop some water weight today.