Ashton Kutcher is a Cuntry Singer Now

No, that wasn’t a misspelling, thanks.

And what the shit is this, anyway? Ashton Kutcher? Singing country music at a country awards show, singing about giving his all to a woman (or a man) in order to make them happy? In what world would people cheer that? Oh. Right. The audience of the ACM Awards, which we here at Evil Beet did not cover, primarily because it’s not really our thing, and secondarily because Taylor Swift (who always wins everything) is f-cking atrocious, OK?

Also, Ashton Kutcher will be portraying the legendary Steve Jobs in an upcoming biopic. And I’m floored. I guess they’re basing role-giving these days on how similar you can look to a person rather than if you can actually act. Long gone are the days of thinking role selection through to the point where you’d even considering casting an unknown for the sake of art instead of sacrificing it for a well-known face. The name of the film is ‘Jobs’, and MTV had this to say about the casting decision:

Floppy hair? Check. Internet savvy? Check. Less than a year after his death, the life of technology guru and Apple Inc. co-founder Steve Jobs will be honored in an upcoming independent biopic entitled “Jobs” starring Ashton Kutcher.

The TV and movie actor, who bears a striking resemblance to a young Jobs, is slated to begin filming the movie in May during his hiatus from “Two and a Half Men.” The plan is to begin production before a rival film, based on writer Walter Isaacson’s lauded Jobs biography, gets off the ground. Jobs died on October 5, 2011.

“Jobs” will be directed by Joshua Michael Stern (“Swing Vote”) and will chronicle Jobs’ rise from a Northern California hippie upbringing to the co-founding of Apple, according to the Hollywood Reporter.

Tell me this isn’t going to be a shitshow.

Anyway, back to his country-singing, ten-gallon-hat-wearing schtick. This was Ashton’s big moment of last night, and if you could swallow his getup with a boulder-sized grain of salt, then I guess you could probably deep-throat pretty much anything. Good for you.

Can we watch genuinely charming people perform in a candid setting now? Would that be alright with you guys? Because I’ve had just about enough of Ashton as I can handle.