It’s time for me to come clean: today is my last day here at Evil Beet. I know! Me, too! I didn’t really mean to just spring it on you like this, but here we are.
I began at Evil Beet in June. Nine months and and a measly 570 posts later—and I am not kidding, 570 articles really is piddling, especially compared to the work your editors Sarah and Emily accomplish daily—I am suddenly a little wistful about leaving.
I began reading Evil Beet six years ago (OR MORE), and I became so attached to Sasha, Wendie, Kelly, everyone. This website has buoyed me through some dark Cubicle Days.
Writing for you has been a dream and a joy.
We had a lot of laughs, didn’t we? I came out of the gates strong with my story about Sean Bean. Who can maintain that kind of momentum? I sure didn’t. Oh, well.
I did consider attempting to make all my posts rhyme, but that fell through, too. Finally, I settled on writing a lot of hypothetical dialogue. So thanks for letting me use Evil Beet as a testing ground for all that. (I do regret not having Fred’s daughter produce more posts. I was onto something there. If you’re wondering, I totally paid the kid.)
But there were also a lot of tears. You wouldn’t believe how much I cried at this job. Like, it was kind of weird. I cried when I wrote an obituary for Cliff Robertson, for instance. Then again, I absolutely cried the first eight times I watched some lame Katy Perry video. We’ll chalk that one up to “hormones.”
Still, I had so much fun when I told you about weird junk like Zac Efron’s fourth nipple. And I loved covering Madonna.
I’m grateful I was permitted to take so many creative liberties, too. Like, I experimented with Photoshop a lot—the first time was when I turned David Hyde Pierce into a bag of beef jerky. (I have also ‘shopped Oprah, Christopher Meloni, and hats.)
But man, did I ever overshare. Daily readers now know all about my morning routine and how angry I get when I am in line at the post office. They know about my dad’s death, but they also know about that time I went to the movies. If readers watched for it really carefully, they might have even witnessed my relationship disintegrating. And at the last possible instant, I suddenly remembered to not accidentally give our readership my mom’s mailing address. Oops.
Some random notes:
– Thanks for letting me talk so much about Barbies, Lifetime, and Jersey Shore. And thanks for letting me post that interview with Newburg. (I mean, I didn’t get explicit permission, but nobody ever said “don’t,” either.)
– I tried to research all my articles, yes, but the few I researched most were Narcissister, Brittany Murphy, and the First Appearance of Courtney Stodden. OH MY GOD COURTNEY STODDEN. You are the gift that keeps giving!
– Meanwhile, my absolute favorite headline was “Facialist to the Stars Finally Gets It in the Eye.” No, the story itself isn’t great, but boy, howdy, did I ever pat myself on the back for that headline.
– My career’s high point was when Joyce McKinney left me a delightfully frenzied comment. When I first read it I had a conniption.
– Angelina’s Leg and Joel Osteen’s Abs should totally arm-wrestle.
– You guys taught me what an “accent nail” is! This made it a lot easier for me to torture my friend Robyn. Thank you!
– Yeah, I tried to be all sly about it, but I really was trying to get you guys to talk a lot about religion, politics, and money—all the things that we aren’t supposed to discuss at the dinner party!—and so many of you were right there with me. It’s been said before, but I’m happy to repeat it: Evil Beet’s readers are so freaking smart. And polite! We have really polite, smart, generous people commenting on our stories! For me, as Your Daily Jenn, that has been so fulfilling.
– A., thank you for being the Charlie to our team’s Angels. Also, thank you for being so cool on the phone, even as I panicked over how to handle NSFW posts.
– Emily. You are a badass. You make me laugh, you have covered my butt so many times, and also, your punctuation is pitch-perfect. You are a delight.
– Sarah: I can say very safely that people have no idea what responsibilities a Managing Editor holds, or how much work is happening behind-the-scenes, and as great as it is that your work is so invisibly deft, I have only this one opportunity to tell everyone how magnificent you are. You are so supportive, so on-the-ball, and totally ironclad.
OK, all done!
Take care!
—j
Cheers!
You seem like a pompous ass.
Jenn, good luck. You will be missed.
I’ll miss you, too, Chuck!
Jenn, I love your posts. They are marvelous and I will miss them oh-so-very-much. I am also super upset that I was without a computer for, like, two months of your limited time on this site.
You are a treasure.
Jeez, are you kidding me? I cried through like, the last … OK, practically all of it. You’re way more talented and fabulous than you know, and I’m going to miss the hell out of you!
Sarah, throw the girl a bone and make this one sticky on page 1 for a day or two.
You always have such good advice. ;)
Aww Jenn, good luck with anything you do. We’ll miss ya.
Le sad. Good luck!
Well damn. You’re such an amazing writer! I loved reading your posts, they (almost always) made me smile.
I’m not going to ask why you’re leaving (because if it’s “drama” we don’t need to know), but I’d like to know what your future plans are. Are you starting your own blog, writing someplace else? You can’t simply overshare things like tampons and barbies and then not tell us what you’re doing next!
Take care!
Ha! I sure wish I had something salacious to tell you! I’m not even trying to be demure or secretive or anything! Let’s see. I do already have my own blog, thank you (it’s over here), I’m writing for a site called Unwinnable, and I have other options that I’m trying to not jinx (and therefore, nothing to show you). I did start following up on some of these opportunities and some other responsibilities; meanwhile, my work here has been slipping. I don’t want to slip! I’m no shirker! I wanna leave strong!
Finally: I have NEVER written about tampons. NEVER. Don’t make things up! (However, I am borrowing that line, “tampons and Barbies,” because that is me in a nutshell.)
Hmmmmm. Barbies AS tampons. Maybe it is good you are going. No, I can’t blame you for my own tangential brain.
Everyone loves you so much, and that definitely, definitely includes me. I enjoyed your comments before you started writing here, and I enjoyed your posts even more, because YOU ARE SO AMAZING. Please always stay amazing and wonderful and lovely, except I probably don’t even have to tell you because you can’t help it. You will be the most missed!
You. Step up your game.
tl;dr Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
I actually deleted the paragraph in which I attempted to name all my favorite commenters—SO LONG WAS MY NINE-MONTH WRAPUP—but one sentence was “evilbeetdouche, where are you? Don’t doubt I haven’t noticed.”
Thanks for popping in. <3
Back from the dead. Saw Davy Jones on the way out. Gave him a quarter for the boatman. Best wishes in your future goings on.
I don’t comment as much as I used to, but you will definitely be missed Jenn. Good luck with everything!
I have lurked since the days of Sasha and Wendy and Kelly as well. Never say much, but when I do, I shag it up. Ha!
I will definitely miss your posts, best of luck in all future endeavours.
Aww man! Hate to see you go.
If you can appreciate the beauty in both men and women and find yourself attracted to the person regardless of their gender, then ******* is the site for you. Here you can find hundreds of thousands of open-minded singles & couples looking to explore their bisexuality.
I am sure that Jenn will miss Terribly Named Spam Advertisement Commenters most of all.
….”smart and polite….?!?!” You have us confused with someone else. Seriously, I liked you and I wish you luck. A parting word of advice: Don’t keep on being so nice. It’s a lot more fun to be an ass-hole. I recommend it because I’ve had years of experience.
Hi Jenn, liked your stuff, talented writer, happy “graduation.” :)
Hey Jenn, sorry to see you leaving! Really liked your posts and thought you were an ace writer. See you on the other side brother!
you’re a great writer!
awwww, Jenn! I’ll miss you! Good luck!
Jenn–
I’ll miss your thoughtful and intelligent posts!
Best wishes.
Theresa
I’ve been here since the beet was ” hatched” and unlike other sites, I really feel like I get to kinda know the writers here. Thank you for all the entertainment you have provided for me. Sometimes, the few minutes of fun on this site, (with such good writers), makes the difference in an otherwise craptastic day.
Best of luck!
I’ve really enjoyed your articles, Jenn. Best of luck for the future! Hope you get whatever you’re not trying to jinx!
Wow! This is so sudden. I don’t… I can’t… I’ve been taken completely by surprise. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this, although I don’t think I’m going to be too sad if your work at Unwinnable continues to be as crazy-good as it has been.
Good Luck to you and may your future dreams come true! I have loved your posts tremendously!! You will be terribly missed Jenn!!!