Toni Braxton Announces Retirement From Music to Play a Lesbian On Screen

Toni Braxton was the shit in 1996 – all 4’10” of her (not her actual height, but the bitch is short). Don’t act like you didn’t put ‘Unbreak My Heart’ about six mix tapes you made to commemorate that girl/boy in your math class finally talking to you in the lunch room, but only to ask if you were gonna eat your french fries. Toni was just too real.

Unfortunately, her bad times didn’t stop at her fake video boyfriend dying in a motorcycle crash. Homegirl had to file for bankruptcy and all her stuff was repossessed, her record company was full of assholes who forced her to promote an album during a complicated pregnancy, her son was diagnosed with autism way late and her family is full of weirdos (but whose isn’t?). Anyway, she’s had just about enough of showbiz and is quitting that bitch and looking forward to buying a one-way ticket to Muff Town – in films only, of course.

From The Grio:

The eight-time Grammy-Award-winning songstress told theGrio’s Chris Witherspoon that she no longer wants to record new music and will now focus her attention on acting.

“For what I do I have to love it. I have to feel that excitement and it’s gone,” Braxton confessed. “I’m just not going to do any albums anymore; maybe touring occasionally here and there because I love performing, but not as much as I did in the past. But no new projects.”

…

She has no new movies in the works, but Braxton revealed her dream role is to play a lesbian on the big screen.

“I would like to play a lesbian,” she said. “I don’t know why. And do a whole make-out scene and the whole thing; just something completely different than people would expect from me. Not a lipstick lesbian, either.”

I’m pretty sure I know why: ladies are pretty, I ain’t mad atcha. And come on, be honest, how much would you all pay to see Toni Braxton in full butch attire, doing a “whole make-out scene and the whole thing”? More than you paid for that cassette of Secrets in ’96, I bet.