Lindsay Lohan is in a Bathing Suit Because SHE’S LIZ TAYLOR

Guys, I’m not really sure that this whole thing could actually get any sadder. Because it probably can’t. See these pictures? They’re—obviously—of Lindsay Lohan, doing her filming thing of ‘Liz & Dick’, and Liz Taylor, God rest her soul, is probably doing backflips in her urn. I’m kidding. She’s probably not doing backflips in her urn. I don’t even know if she was cremated, so how could I go about making that kind of assumption? Wherever she is, whatever she’s doing, she’s probably smoking a cigarette, shaking her beautiful, brilliant head, and ranting to the gods about tough luck and karma and how shitty it is that Lindsay f-cking Lohan is tarnishing her legacy with a crapbag Lifetime movie called ‘Liz & Dick’.

Want to see something positively terrifying? This. Look at this:

This is the official ‘Liz & Dick’ picture. There’s still a part of me that’s in denial about this even happening.

Anyway, the dude in the picture is Grant Bowler, whose main claim to fame is playing Jesus Christ in a movie I’ve never heard of, ‘City of Gardens‘ with Deborah Kara Unger. Other than that, all we really know about him is that he’s almost twenty years older than Lindsay, divorced, and OK … he was on ‘True Blood’, ‘Ugly Betty’, and ‘Lost’ for awhile, but we’re going to just pretend that’s not even factoring in to what we’re dealing with here. Anyway. This is Grant Bowler:

And if you weren’t fully convinced yet that people are really pushing to make this Lindsay’s grand comeback, E! has a list of “five reasons” why people might actually take this project seriously. From E!:

1. It’s Not Heavy Lifting: Lindsay, on several occasions, has told me her goal is to someday win an Academy Award. The truth is that the grind and expectations of an Oscar-worthy role are far greater than those she will face on this TV movie set. She won’t have to memorize reams of dialogue; nobody will be asking her to push her limits. Starring in Liz & Dick, her first film work since the Robert Rodriguez-directed ensemble Machete, is like dipping her toes in a kiddie pool. Perfect for her right now.

2. She’s Home: The movie is being shot entirely in Los Angeles. The prospect of Lindsay being out of town for more than a month would create too many uncontrollable X factors. There will be no border-crossing problems, no late-night partying that out-of-town movie shoots are famous for. She will be in Hollywood, under the watchful eye of the paparazzi—and Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner, who has warned Lindsay she will throw her in jail if she breaks the law again. I was there when the judge issued her stay-clean order. Lindsay took it seriously.

3. She’s Got the Right Boss: The executive producer who hired her, and will be responsible for making sure she doesn’t sleep in past her call times, is Hollywood veteran Larry Thompson. Having also worked as a talent manager for the likes of David Hasselhoff, William Shatner and Drew Barrymore (before she became a well-behaved adult), the straight-shooting Mississippi native knows a thing or two about managing complex stars and will keep her on a tight leash. Proof: Ever since Thompson committed to Lindsay, she has not slipped up once. This should continue for at least the length of the shoot.

4. This Is the Right Role: Let’s face it. Playing Liz Taylor at the height of her scandal-plagued, paparazzi-hounded peak is not much of a stretch for the tabloid darling. It’s a plug-and-play acting challenge.

5. Last Chance, Lindsay: Lohan knows the stakes are high. This is very likely the last straw Hollywood will offer her. If she blows this gig, her last bridge back into the Hollywood fold may be burned.

Sigh. Are you guys convinced yet that This is Lindsay Lohan’s Big Chance? I just can’t wait to see this movie, seriously. I’m not sure that I’ve ever really seen a Lifetime movie in its entirety, but one thing is for certain—I will be liveblogging the shit out of this when it premieres, and I cannot wait.

Bathing suit images courtesy of The Superficial