Cameron Diaz Has a Drinking Problem

And her problem is “looking like this when she drinks,” and not necessarily having an actual issue with alcohol like, you know, being unable to stop consuming it. No, I think the biggest problem we’re dealing with here is Cammy’s big old drunkface, because it’s WOW. It’s all up in there; it’s all over the place. And why is the bottom of her hair wet? Is it puke? Is it just backsplash from vomiting in the john? Because if her hair were as short as it used to be, that might not have happened, but then again, she’d probably be drinking so heavily in that case that she’d be passed out in the toilet and not even out and about and able to make this epic drunkface. I guess we should probably be thanking our lucky stars in one way or another.

Anyway. This is Cameron Diaz leaving a club at three o’clock this morning, and if you check out the photos in the gallery, you’ll see that she gets a little help walking to her car. And in light of that, what I want to know is why all of these celebrities feel it a necessity to have handlers escorting them out of a club, putting their hands on them and steadying them and making sure that they get into their waiting vehicles OK. Because you see it all of the time. Celebrities drunk and falling out of clubs while burly men grasp their elbows and occasionally their waists if they’re really loaded, and you hardly ever see any of these celebrities bite it and land on the ground.

I mean, when I was in my very, very early twenties (and OK, my late, late teens), I was leaving bars without the help of any burly men, and if and when I bit it and landed on the ground on my way out, you know what happened? Well. Let’s just say that I didn’t have any “friends” there to steady me or pick me up, because they were all too busy pointing and laughing at my silly ass on the ground. These celebrities, guys, I just don’t know. It’s like they have no sense of reality or something.

Looking good, girl!