Miley Cyrus Goes to Emergency Room with A Knife Wound!

A knife wound that she inflicted upon her own finger.

Listen, you guys, I don’t like that as much as you do, the whole super misleading headline bit. It’s annoying, and if it were under the right circumstances, or about the right person or topic, it could be really upsetting, too. But when I got online this morning to check out the latest happenings, I was assaulted with headlines like “Miley Cyrus Rushed to The Emergency Room!!!” and “Miley Cyrus Hospitalized” and, my very favorite, “Bloody Miley Cyrus Goes to Emergency Room – Will She Be OK?” I had to do two whole seconds of anxious reading, two whole seconds where my thoughts raced and my imagination ran horribly wild, to figure out that the whole thing is not a big deal whatsoever.

Because yeah, Miley Cyrus accidentally cut her finger open while she was cooking:

Miley Cyrus is recovering after a trip to the hospital on Tuesday.

Photographed with white gauze thickly wrapped around her left pointer finger, the former Disney starlet “cut her finger while cooking,” her rep tells PEOPLE.

“[She] had to get a few stitches,” the rep continues. “She’s doing fine.”

In the photograph, Cyrus, 19 – clad in black combat boots and a black and white jumper covered in skulls – looked like she was experiencing a little bit of discomfort, but was tear-free.

And here’s the photograph:

All this does is make me wish that my dad had written a really popular country song so I could be famous too, because I would be all over the news always. So far this week, I’ve stepped on a fish hook, banged my head on my nightstand, tripped over my pants and skinned my knee, and burnt my hand while cooking. I like to think there would be headlines like “Emily So Bravely Handles A Boo-Boo” or “Emily Blogs Through The Pain, Is An Inspiration to Us All,” but I know it would probably be more like “Emily Is A Clumsy Bitch, Should Have Learned How to Function Without Injury in The Past 23 Years.”

By the way, I just checked Miley’s Twitter to see if she had mentioned the incident yet, and, as usual, she didn’t let me down:

I’m all stitched up & have on a splint so I’m good. As you can tell by my expression, didn’t feel so good. Curse u blender!

So wait, she cut herself on a blender? Seriously? How do you even do that? Surely she didn’t stick her hand in it while it was on, right? She must have been cleaning the blades and got a little careless, that’s all. Right?