Amanda Bynes’ Dad Says That Amanda Bynes Was Not Drunk

Hey, remember last week when Amanda Bynes got totally wasted, hopped in her car, and then hit a police car? She was arrested and charged with a DUI, but thankfully, Amanda’s dad has decided to speak up on the situation and let everyone know that his daughter WAS NOT DRUNK. She doesn’t even drink, you guys. Total misunderstand on everyone’s part.

I’ll let Mr. Bynes tell you all about in his own words:

Amanda Bynes’s dad is standing by his daughter, following her DUI arrest on Friday.

“She was not drunk,” Rick Bynes tells PEOPLE. “I was told that she blew a zero on the Breathalyzer. She didn’t have a single drink that night. My daughter doesn’t drink.”

Rick Bynes claims the the cop who arrested Amanda, 26, was at fault for pulling out in front of the actress as she was turning at the West Hollywood intersection where she was cited. Rick adamantly says his daughter was not impaired, explaining that she was arrested because “she was upset and very emotional.”

Adding that Amanda was released with no bail, Rick went on to say, “She is a good girl. She just chooses not to work, and because of that, people go after her.”

You know, this makes so much sense! After Amanda retired back in 2010, she’s been so sorely missed in Hollywood! Back when Michelle Williams was cast as Marilyn Monroe in My Week with Marilyn, she even admitted in an interview once that she knew she wasn’t anyone’s first choice to star in the movie, but since the most sought-after actress in the industry, Amanda Bynes, had retired, they went with the next best thing*. When talk started up about re-releasing Titanic in 3D, there was a popular idea that was kicked around for a while they they should redo the movie so that Amanda Bynes played Kate Winslet‘s character, and they would just superimpose Amanda’s footage over Kate’s in the original movie**. It makes perfect sense that a police officer would recognize Amanda Bynes on the road, pull out in front of her on purpose so that she would sideswipe his car, make up a story about her being too drunk to drive, and then arrest her because he’s upset she doesn’t do movies anymore. Perfect sense.

Man, now I’m so super pumped for today! If we can do such excellent mystery solving this early in the day, what can we accomplish by the evening? Hey, maybe we can solve The Secret of the Missing Dignity for poor Jennifer Love Hewitt! Get to it, Nancy Drews!

*This isn’t true.

**Also not true.