Simon Cowell Had a John Rambo Identity Crisis When He Was a Lad

Because oh my God. Do you see these pictures? Do you see them? This is Simon and his girlfriend from back in the day, pop star Sinitta. Don’t know who Sinitta is? That’s OK – not many people do these days, though in an interview a few years ago, Sinitta talked about the Simon-hype and waxed nostalgic over days of fame gone by:

“In the old days, Simon was the record company man behind the suit and I got to be the pop star. When the photographers asked Simon to move out of the way, we’d pull a face at each other and I’d say, ‘They don’t want you, they want me’ – and he’d have to step out of the shot. He was carrying my bags and doing my schedules and driving the car. Now I’m carrying his bags. We get out of the car and it’s ‘Simon! Simon!’ and they want me out of the way. It’s hilarious.”

Sinitta was Simon’s first ever signed artist, who he also dated, and after all these years, though they’re no longer romantically involved, Sinitta was further intertwined with Simon’s success, and helped out in the background with the X-Factor until 2010.

Let’s take another look, shall we?:

No. Just … no. It’s like he’s not even real, you know? It’s like Simon was this fictional character ’til the early noughties when he decided that demureness and slick British humor monochromatic color schemes were what he should be doing, and not feathering his hair like one of Charlie’s Angels and dating pop stars who use way too much Soul Glo in their hair.

Don’t even pretend that you’ve never seen Coming to America, come on now.

OK. Here’s one more for posterity:

Sweet, right? I don’t think Simon’s been able to make a face like that in ten years, damn.

In related Simon news, there’s talks that the X-Factor might be scrapped altogether, and despite rumors that people like Britney Spears and Mariah Carey are in talks to join as judges, Simon claims that he’d rather burn out than fade away:

“I’d rather fall off the cliff on numbers than deteriorate slowly. We have something in development which could replace The X Factor.”

Oh, wait. No, my bad. That’s different: he’s talking about scrapping the ORIGINAL X-Factor, not the US spinoff. Looks like you’re still safe, Brit. Bring on your best pink wig and those Frappuccinos, OK? The whole world is watching, girl.