Hey. First of all, let me just say that I love you, and I admire your strength. All right? No one should ever have to see what you’ve seen, and you’ve faced so much more than you ever should have had to face. I can’t take that back, but I can try to make it better.
I want to talk to you first, Lindsay Lohan’s hair. It’s possible that you’ve had it the worst of all. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you to go through all those treatments and bleachings and who knows what else, and it speaks very strongly of you that you’ve survived this long. I know it must have been hard to be introduced to all those new weaves and extensions, not to mention the semen that’s probably gotten all over you from time to time. I’m sorry that you have to go through what you’re going through right now, with the cheap ass curls and bangs. Is that even you, or are you trapped up under there in some stockings? Maybe it would be better that way, but don’t give up hope.
Ok, Lindsay Lohan’s clothes, you’re up next. You’re kind of in a different situation, but it’s still a tragic one: you’re living your life, chillin’ in a store somewhere with your clothes friends, and then bam! It finally happens! You get to go to your forever home! Sure you have some raggedy fur stuck to you, but that’s not your fault, and it’s not important, because you’re going home with your new mommy! Life at this moment is the best it’s ever going to get … and then you realize what you’re facing. A lifetime of cigarette smoke stains and critique. It’s not fair, I know that, but try to be strong!
Speaking of strong, I know you’re doing the best you can, Lindsay Lohan’s titties. I know that. You don’t have the support that your other titty friends have, but you still get out there and bounce with the best of them! You’re an inspiration!
Lindsay Lohan’s lips, you’re an inspiration too! You’re a little bigger than you used to be, and that’s not your fault, but you’re working it! Be proud, be fierce! Keep doing your job, despite all that’s happened to you! Own it!
Now, Lindsay Lohan’s teeth … it’s hard to be so optimistic with you. I know you don’t have a lot of time left, but I am hoping with all my heart that you know the comforting touch of a toothbrush one more time before you pass on to that great beyond.
Lastly, to Lindsay Lohan herself: please take care of all these magnificent things. They try so hard to serve you and to be good to you, the least you could do is give them the care and attention they need. I’d appreciate it, and heaven knows they would appreciate it even more.
With all the love and respect in the world,
Emily
Hey Emily, I love the blog, love the articles, but this one not so much. The girl’s a hot mess, we’d not surprised if she does an Amy Winehouse soon, but let’s cut her some slack. It’s not necessary to point out how ugly she’s become, leave that for the mean girls who enjoy bullying people when they’re down.
Lindsay Lohan will never die.
i hope she survives the next few months so you won’t have to feel so bad about this letter.
the post is funny but the whole story is just so sad, i can’t laugh at her anymore
Orange and white, so beautiful…
Dina?
Don’t listen to them, Emily, I thought this was excellent and quite kind as far as harshing on the Lohan goes. Me, I’d just have hit her between the eyes with how much she sucks then left her bleeding on the sidewalk. Girl’s a hot mess and a total bitch and she did it to herself. If she would clean up her act – now THAT would be news.
I love this website and its fun reading the articles but im disappointed because of all the ads now. They are in-your-face and sometimes dont even close making it impossible to read. I dont mind ads in general but this is a little too much. You might be losing some readers because of this. Just giving some feedback.
Thanks for the feedback – it’s definitely appreciated. We’re in the process of trying to make some of the ads less in-your-face and will hopefully have the situation resolved soon. :)
U forgot to dedicate a paragraph to her skin…. I say it has probably gone through the most!