11 Things That Kate Gosselin Learned in 2011

Oh dear. It begins. Kate Gosselin starts her media blitz in 2012, complete with my favorite sanctimonious-typeGwyneth Paltrow-like advice with her latest blog post, “My 11 Reflections on 2011.”

1. I learned that determination gives way to conquering any obstacle in my way. I think I knew this before, but I really proved it to myself in 2011 when I trained for and ran my first marathon! [Ed. Note: Because the thing the world really needs right now is an unstoppable Kate Gosselin who’s out for MORE blood.]

2. I learned that team work in a large family is the most beautiful thing to watch :) and to be a part of! [Ed. Note: As long as she’s the one heading up that team and enforcing law and order like a f-cking bizarre-ass Jerry Orbach, that is.]

3. I learned who my true friends are and was able to open up and meet new ones too! Trust is a really big issue for me. It always has been! This past year I took some good risks! [Ed. Note: If she’s still talking about her bodyguard-boyfriend, I hardly think that can be constituted as “friends.” I mean, to have “friends” there must be more than one, and if you’re paying someone to watch your ass and wax your ass, then it sort of transcends the “friend” role, does it not?]

4. I realized that life is short and extended family is important. Different views, lack of trust and family drama has stopped me from connecting in the past, but late in the year, I was able to make teeny steps towards family reunion. [Ed. Note: I’m not quite sure who Kate means by “extended family,” because she’s alienated everyone in her immediate, nuclear family, and I can’t imagine in-laws or cousins really having the burning desire to engage in this shitshow. Good luck reconnecting, girl!]

5. I learned that love truly ….

… conquers all. If love is your main focus, with no hidden agenda, no matter the issue or decision at hand, love will always guide you to make the right decision. [Ed. Note: Is this supposed to be about … I don’t know, who the hell is this supposed to be about?]

6. I learned that I love being a “stay at home working mom.” This is how I’ve always described myself and it’s how I love to live! I love being at home with my kids SO much – cooking, baking (if I have to), packing lunches, caring for my kids and our home, but I also love the satisfaction and provision that working hard brings me. I love waking up everyday wondering what work opportunities will come my way! I am truly happy in both roles! [Ed. Note: This is just code for “I won’t allow rejection and negative public perception to ruin the continual exploitation of my kids!” so it’s not really a reflection of 2011, it’s kind of a long-standing thing with this chick, right?]

7. I learned true independence. I built a “barn door,” figured out how to hang pictures, moved furniture, purchased and learned how to use my own drill, and took control. I decided I won’t wait for men anymore.. I’ll take care of it all by myself! ;) (…Now if only I could figure out how to get this Christmas tree out of here….?!) [Ed. Note: I do suppose “forced independence” is considered “true independence”  if you’re referring to cutting every support system out of your life by overwhelming greed and a desire to control even events beyond the uncontrollable, so OK. Props to you, Kate, for sisters doing it for themselves.]

8. I learned support and encouragement! I realized for the first time ever how many people whom I’ve met only “virtually” really truly support me and my kids, pull for us and encourage us! When I joined twitter in April and then started my website in September, I met some of the most amazing fans ever… And there’s SO many of you! Who knew??!! On down days, you pick me up. On up days, you praise and congratulate me! I thank each of you deeply for your amazing outpouring of kindness and love! [Ed. Note: Bitch please. You just realized how many wackjobs are out there who actually dig what you’re doing? I find that hard to believe. You probably wouldn’t have done Dancing With the Stars if you didn’t think you had the public support. … Oh, wait …]

9. I learned that being a single mom is the MOST difficult and often the scariest job ever. Eight children are relying largely on me to guide them, shape them, and care for their needs on a daily basis. In 2011, I felt the weight of this responsibility finally “settle in” and I don’t take it lightly. It’s a huge job and I often feel unworthy of such an important task! [Ed. Note: That must have been a hard lesson to learn while you were jetsetting all over the US promoting yourself, your book, your shoddy dancing skills, getting plastic surgery, spending all of your money on weaves, spouting your holier-than-thou method of parenting, and half-assed attempts at looking better than your ex-husband; generally, you know, not taking care of your kids.]

10. I learned that connecting with other moms on a personal level is very exciting and rewarding! Through modern technology I have met and learned so many great things from so many moms who are doing the same things I am daily! It’s so great to put our heads together and learn from each other isn’t it? In 2012, I’d love to further my passion to help moms get into shape! I want to find a way to help more moms start running, and take back that lost desire to take care of themselves! Taking care of mom trickles down to taking better care of your entire family! [Ed. Note: Here’s the Goopy-ness that you’ve all been waiting for, in case you didn’t see the thinly-veiled better-than-you in everything else she’s already said. Good heavens. Do I see a new show on the horizon? ‘Counting Carbs with Katie’ or some variation?]

11. And last, but certainly not least, is our health–
Nearly daily, I remember how blessed I am to have eight children who are 100% healthy – from birth as preemies to the present. I am also hugely blessed that I am also healthy and (mostly) able to keep up the physical pace required to care for eight busy kids! At the dinner table each night, we thank God for our health and remember to pray for family and friends who are struggling. It’s hard to teach kids not to take their health for granted! And beyond that, I don’t want my kids to forget to be thankful for physical provisions too – or as we say – “food on our table and a dry roof over our heads” – but hopefully by watching me treat each day as a gift, my kids will catch on too and will “unwrap” each day with great gratitude and anticipation! [Ed. Note: Barf. Barf, barf, barf. I’ll grudgingly admit that I’m glad you’re healthy, Kate, because I’d REALLY feel like a heel ragging on someone sickly and beaten by the illness stick, but I’m MORE glad that your kids are healthy, because they’re going to need all their strength one of these days when they finally plan a coup d’etat and throw Momma from the train. And we’ll all be waiting, don’t you worry.]