So I just spent a very long time at the post office, waiting to pick up a package. The clerk took my little orange slip and wandered off, and I literally never saw her again. Thirty minutes later—that’s 30 real-world minutes, not 30 “feels-like” minutes—a guy peered out at me and asked me if I needed anything. I was fuming, of course, because all of this occurred after I got off the phone with State Farm (I’m on Month Two of begging an adjuster to look at my car, which was brand new, was in a catastrophic hailstorm, and now resembles Edward James Olmos). I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE.
Wait, what? What’s that you say? Will Smith and wife Jada Pinkett Smith may have split up? That doesn’t sound like the happy couple at all!
But that was the News of the Day, thanks to InTouch‘s report that the couple has separated after 13 splendiferous years of marriage. Thirteen years! That’s such a long time! Thirteen years is like standing in line at the post office annex 113,000 times!
But InTouch‘s report, based on claims from an anonymous source, was three whole sentences long. (And the story still managed, somehow, to go ‘viral’ instantly.)
The couple’s reps immediately went into Damage Control mode. First, a “source close to the spouses” blasted the rumor, Us reported. Next, Will and Jada’s son Trey denied the story on his Twitter account. Then Jada’s rep, Karynne Tencer, issued a statement to Entertainment Tonight (Pink is the New Blog remains skeptical, however). Then Will and Jada issued a joint statement, flatly denying the story. TMZ:
The statement reads, “Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false.”
The two add, “We are still together, and our marriage is intact.”
Um, how bad did InTouch Weekly step in it? Pretty freaking bad—the latest word is, the couple’s motherloving legal team is now involved. Nice “exclusive,” InTouch.
back to the real story… what happened to the clerk? did you get your package? and what about state farm? how does it all end?
im not be facetious, your story is way more exciting than stupid will and jada.
being*
Dear Gerry,
Seriously, I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE CLERK WENT. She was there, and then she wasn’t! Like a character in a Dostoevsky novel, never to be heard from again! She even said, “Have your ID out when I get back,” and I just stood there idiotically for the rest of my life (not literally).
And! I haven’t even mentioned FedEx! Just thinking about it makes me Hulk out! In the meantime, the State Farm lady was like, “Your adjuster took some notes and—hmm, I can’t make any sense of this.” And I was like, aha! Aha! I knew it!!! on the phone.
I did get my package, though (after two days of assuming it would be redelivered, what). The box contains: one jean jacket, these incredible chopping boards, a book of magic tricks, and whatever else I accidentally left at my mom’s. After all that hassle, what a letdown, right? What the box should have contained was, like, a box set of Kolchak DVDs, maybe a lifetime subscription to organic Asian pears, and a new pet
rabbitdragon. Right? I mean, why else would I RUN to the post office? (I can answer that, actually: I said to Derek, who was with me, “I don’t even want most of this crap—I’m just scared that if you don’t pick up your package, the post office will set it on fire.”)Love always,
Jenn
Although I really like Jada & Will as a couple and would be very sad to see them split, I have to say…
JENN THAT STORY WAS AMAZING! Just… great!
“was in a catastrophic hailstorm, and now resembles Edward James Olmos”
I laughed til I farted. that was funny.