Chuck Lorre, the creator of Two and a Half Men, never ever ever wants to see Charlie Sheen ever again. Sources report that Sheen’s character, the tragicomic lothario Charlie Harper, is slated to die a terrible, probably-gruesome death, very nearly ensuring zero possibility of a future cameo.
And while the script for Charlie Harper’s killing-off isn’t complete, perhaps Lorre is trying to translate Sheen’s epic fall into a “teachable moment”: there are tentative plans to have the character drive his car off a cliff and, I can only assume, die in a fireball. It’s a metaphor for losing control and screwing up your life, kids! It’s like Charlie Sheen’s car, and then a cliff! Oh, no! So don’t do drugs.
But Chuck Lorre’s moral meta-victory has been undermined by this ironic new wrinkle: Charlie Sheen has signed a deal with Lionsgate to develop and star in his next sitcom. Worse, a source predicts “Charlie’s character will be very similar to the one he played on Two and a Half Men” only, this time, even raunchier.
And while Sheen won’t cash the same paycheck CBS could offer, due to the intricacies of his new contract, he may well eventually make more dough off this deal than he ever did as worthless Charlie Harper.
Do you see what has happened? Do you see what this means? THIS IS TERRIFYING.
The Lionsgate deal means that, try as we might, Charlie Sheen’s alter-ego cannot be stopped. He is unkillable. The hydra has regenerated, and it is more powerful than we ever could have known! MAYBE CBS REALLY DID PICK A FIGHT WITH A WARLOCK.
And! Worst of all! We are sullying the memory and reputation of the One True Charles Harper. I’m glad you aren’t here to witness all of this, Mr. Harper, famed midcentury painter.