Congratulations, Class of 2011! Woohoo! Grab those Bachelor’s degrees! Snag those internships! Yeah!
On Sunday, Conan O’Brien delivered the commencement address to the outgoing graduates of prestigious Dartmouth College. He introduced himself thusly:
Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly-admired president of the United States and decorated war hero [George H. W. Bush], while I, a cable television talk show host, has [sic] been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.
Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things: good morning, and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011. Today you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know — a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma, you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I’m talking about drop-out losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.
Conan goes on to discuss the tragedy of not-graduating-a-celebrity (“Deal with it”) but, ultimately, wishes the graduates well. Even so, he warns them of the inevitability of future failure, with the promise of reinvention. (He also manages to slip in the word “d-bag.”)
Yep, Conan gets it. His commencement speech, in its entirety, is after the jump.
It’s a really funny and moving address, well worth watching.
Hey! Speaking of celebrities giving speeches, guess who’s delivering the address at my alma mater (and his!) this Friday? STEPHEN COLBERT.
Maaaaan, I’m jealous. The year I graduated, stodgy Tom Brokaw was our commencement speaker. I arranged a betting pool where we all guessed how many times Brokaw would utter the phrase “the grrrrrreatesst generrrrration” during his address. (Three! He said it three times! I won ten bucks.)
He looks like he’s made out of ballistic gel.
Like it slipped down from his hair to his face?