Some Famous People Reproduced

People like to know when celebrities have babies. Maybe they’re genuinely interested in the birth of a new life. Or maybe they just want to know who’s had a kid so they’re prepared to mercilessly criticize their parenting when 5 years later someone fucks up and gives the kid an espresso. It’s like a preview of coming attractions.

The products of three sets famous zygotes splitting and reproducing exited the womb recently and were announced yesterday.

Former Olympic gymnast Shannon Miller vaulted a 7 lb baby boy, John Rocco Falconeti, out of the old uter-shoot on October 28th. The baby had good form on the dismount but couldn’t stick the landing.

Colin Farrell and his girlfriend (who can now officially be called his “baby mama”) welcomed a son, Henry Tadeusz Farrell on October 7th. This is the second kid (and the second baby mama) for Farrell, who doesn’t like to knock up the same vagina twice.

Finally, former Mets catcher Mike Piazza and his wife welcomed their second baby girl, Paulina Sophia Piazza, into the world on… August 3rd? Celebs are getting really adept at hiding their kids’ births from the media. (Either that, or no one gives a crap about Mike Piazza.) I picture Piazza squatting in front of his wife’s vagina in full gear, ready to throw the mask off if it’s a pop-up foul, but that’s just me. More likely, the doctor just pointed him at her splitting perineum and made some horrible joke about this being “the most important catch of his life.”