Kim Zolciak: Pretty Much Just Like Jesus (In That She’s Very, Very Famous)

Kim Zolciak. What a mess.

Normally I’d say, “you’ve gotta love this bitch. She’s crazy!”, but no. No you don’t have to love her. Lady’s mental. If it wasn’t her weepy tale at last season’s Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion show in which she claimed she wore wigs because she once waited at Chilis to find out whether or not she had cancer (which she did not), than it’s got to be her comments made during a recent interview regarding her “fame” that really put the final nail in the coffin. Or glue on the weave. Or something.

Empathizing with both Britney Spears and Michael Jackson, Zolciak’s comments are best digested in bullet-point form:

• On relating to Michael Jackson: “I understand the fame. My life changed in such a short period of time, I can’t imagine what he dealt with. Sometimes, emotionally, it’s
  taken its toll on me, never mind him who is far bigger worldwide.”
• On what she and Britney have in common: “I look at her and I’m like they just tear up one side and down the other! Then the next month, she’s doing so great. She’s lost weight. She’s a great mom all of a sudden. I kind of sympathize with her because I take a lot of that heat myself.”
• On press (or being a massive cliche, whatever way you choose to read it): “I look at it like negative press is better than no press. People write ‘Kim Zolciak sucks, Kim Zolciak is this. It’s like, really? Thank you for that comment. At least you’re putting my name out there.”
• On being out of touch with her former BFF and RHOA castmate, NeNe Leakes: “I would love to get a hold of her ass, but I don’t have time for her.”
• On the pros and cons of being a reality star: “It’s gonna be there. You put five personalities together that are as strong as ours, you’re gonna get a lot of chaos and drama. I think we all go through hard times and at the end of the day, we all come out smelling like a rose per se. Regardless of anything that’s gone on, we all end up respecting each other.”

Of course, what Zolciak lacks in basic human decency, she makes up for in self-importance and while that likely is intolerable to actually deal with, it makes for some pretty amazing television. And daydreams. Personally, I’ve been imagining her sprawled across her bed in the dark, chain-smoking Meritt Ultra Lights and downing Seagrams wine coolers with “Only God Knows Why” by Kid Rock playing on repeat. Because she “gets it”, you guys.