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I Just Want Jessica Simpson to Find True Love

July 20, 2009
Evil Beet
Jessica Simpson
31 Comments

Jessica Simpson

For some time, it was downright enjoyable to watch the ditzy, virginity-hoarding Jessica Simpson struggle in her love life. Then it was mildly amusing. Then it was just so-so. And now I’m just plain old sad about it. As someone not much younger than Jessica who is currently on an equally non-viable search for the Love of Her Life, I would like to see her have some success. It’s a little disheartening that she can’t seem to find a relationship that works for more than a few months. And it’s basically been that way since her divorce. It’s the same kinship I feel with Jennifer Aniston. Like, it would be nice to see a happy ending for these women, because then I’d feel some hope that there was a happy ending in my future. Every time a Jessica Simpson relationship ends, my hope for my own future sinks a little bit.

But we needn’t worry! Because Jessica is HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! She tweeted this ADORABLE, HAPPY picture of her with her friends (yup, that’s CaCee Cobb on the right), saying “Love my ladies!!! Wish I could be with them everyday of my life. Laughter is wonderful :)”

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UGH. Laughter is wonderful, and girlfriends are wonderful, but you know what would also be wonderful? A steady life partner. I hope Jess finds what she’s looking for.

(BTW, you can follow me on Twitter here. You should do that. And then you should send me boyfriend suggestions on there. Okay? Okay.)

31 CommentsLeave a comment

  • I like Jess as well but to me what is creepy is she seems so schizophrenic from a self perception point of view. One second she dresses and acts like she’s the type to swing naked on a rope and tire then jump into a muddy river below and then other days she’s out with friends looking like some high school aged teen princess. Her and her family are supposedly very religious yet sometimes she acts like Kelly Pickler. I don’t care what anyone tells a woman men don’t like it when a woman acts the way she thinks her boyfriend wants her to act. When she started dating Tony Romo she got all weird on his ass. Saying all kinds of crazy shit. The man instinctively ran for his life. No loss for her though he is fucking punk anyhow.

  • Um Beet? not that I don’t think you are really really rad (because you are), but this post just made me feel kind of sad and uncomfortable in the keyboard.

    Buck up, you’re still young. Do what you need to feel better, let it out over drinks and a fireman’s calender contest. Message an ex and ream him out if you have to.

    But I feel it’s a little…MUCH… for here, somehow..

  • Well, the first thing she needs is for her manipulative pig father to drop off the face of the earth…..and since she’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer she just needs to find a simple down home kind of guy…..

    ……..wait what am I thinking, as long as she’s in the public eye she or her management will always be looking for the next photo op and envelope stretching career move …..so with her level of self awareness, sorry, happy endings before retirement – not gonna happen.

  • You know what the thing about Jess, is? We know she has a good heart. That’s why we always root for her even when she makes us question her intelligence. And a person with a good heart deserves a happy ending. :)

  • Loved the post. No worries, I’m sure you’ll find love. I’m 28n’ single and I’m sure I’mma find love one of these days, too. Remember, it only takes one. :)

  • Dearest Beet
    I’m sorry, I could not get over the quote “she can’t seem to find a relationship that works for more than a few months”. If I am not mistaken, as I often am, she and Mr. Romo were together for about two years, and she was with ex-Mr. Simpson for more than a few years, wasn’t she?
    In my eyes, those are pretty succesful relationships and they are way past the “few months” you have spun them into looking for sympathy.
    Am I wrong here?

    Now Jennifer Aniston is a different kitty altogether. I know deep down inside, I am meant to be the next Mr. Aniston and I will wear the kept-man badge proudly as I hold her umbrella and her foofy doggy. Send a note to her for a brotha, would ya. Pay it forward. Cheers

    • Yes they may have been “together” for 2 years, but I believe we have had multiple break-ups and make-ups during that period. It may have been a relationship but the relationship didn’t seem solid and did dissolve every few months.

  • I love this post! Thanks, Beet, for the female solidarity. Jess and Jen seem like such lovely people. I hope that they find lasting love with men who appreciate them and deserve them, and you do, too.

    • I agree. So she is out, looking great, having fun with her friends. But obviously that’s not good enough; she can’t REALLY be happy since she is, after all, SINGLE. NO MAN! So friggin what. Do you not remember what the Pussycat Dolls sang?

  • Ugh. Beet, why do you think you need a man in your life to make you happy? You’re always talking about how old you are and how you need to find true love and blah blah blah. Yet you also have a blog devoted to feminism. It seems contradictory. You’re what, 27? You’re still SO, SO young! And you’re so successful. Why can’t you just be happy with yourself? And besides haven’t you ever heard the expression you won’t find love if you’re constantly looking for it? There’s alot of truth to that statement. This isn’t 1890 where you’ll be considered a spinster if you don’t marry by the time you’re 30. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I just don’t understand you sometimes.

  • My husband’s best friend (he’s 27) is in Washington State right now… he’s in the Navy- and he’s single! Interested?

  • I want her to find a job where she is completely out of the public eye. And that goes for her family too. They all really need to find actual talent cause it’s obviously not in the entertainment business.

    • I agree. “Steady partner” does always equal “happy ending,” and there are many, many other happy endings out there besides finding a partner. Open yourself up. The world is full of so many amazing things. You create your own unhappiness when you do not recognize and acknowledge them.

      I get sick of seeing this “finding your prince is the only way to true happiness” bullshit myth perpetuated in our society. Don’t succumb, Beet.

  • I think you are too preoccupied with finding a man. Just let it go, and the next thing you know you’ll bump right into a keeper. People can smell desperation, ok?? Don’t try so hard.

    I’ve got to agree with Tiger, for someone who writes a pro-feminist blog and wants to be all independant and such, you do seem to whine about finding a life partner, and soon, etc. when you do post. Or you project it into the post somehow. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to find someone, but try to be a big girl about it. And be careful what you wish for.

  • Hey Beet,
    I am moving back to Seattle, where I was born and raised and lived most of my life. That means I know lots of boys, and some of them are single and nice. I will make sure to set you up.
    Looking forward to being back in Seattle again.

  • I seem to recall, back when her relationship with Tony Romeo was fairly new, that he very gallantly told a few of his football mates that she was insecure about her bedroom skills, was also not all that bright, and that she was nothing more than a dalliance to him. Naturally, his confidential confession hit the tabloids almost instantly after he uttered the words. They broke up a few days later – only to reunite once again.

    Perhaps Jessica will have better luck in love when she learns to avoid men who are blatant shit-heels. Yeah, and she also needs to tell dear old dad to mind his own business – that, or instruct him to go sit on a banana.