Jemaine is waaaaaaay hotter than Bret
Last night, I thought I’d lost my cellphone in the Ryman auditorium at the Flight of the Conchords show.
This immediately led to fantasies of one of the guys finding the phone and liking my wallpaper of happy nacho chips drowning in cheese (and one morose chip who realizes what’s about to happen to him and his brethren) so much that they’d attempt to track down the phone’s owner and would somehow end up at my boyfriend’s house to hand-deliver the phone to me.
“Hey, come on in!” I’d say. “Don’t mind us. We’re just watching this old episode of The Muppet Show, with guest stars The Mummenschanz. Yeah, the stuff they do with clay is preeetttty cool!”
Then we’d all hang out and drink beers and get up early in the morning to go eat breakfast at the Loveless Cafe where I’d delight in elucidating the differences betwen redeye and sawmill gravies and explaining how in America, a biscuit is not a cookie.
That didn’t happen.
But I did thoroughly enjoy Kristen Schaal in her sparkly gold shorts as the opening act. Including other skits, she did a monologue about the life of a discarded mattress and the “Chubby Grocer” bit from her Comedy Central special. I will never get tired of watching her melodramatically shove copious amounts of chocolate cake in her piehole while yelling tearfully about “bestbians.”
Bret and Jemaine were amazing. Too bad I couldn’t hear half of the songs because the drunken douchebag next to me kept trying to sing along with songs like “If You’re Into It,” which is almost completely impossible to do on the recorded version, let alone a live version where they’re ad-libbing. He also kept fondling my leg and was all up in my space, even though his way-too-hot-for-him girlfriend was sitting right on the other side of him.
For a show not held in the feminine needs aisle of a Rite Aid, there sure were a lot of douches in the crowd last night, including one guy who boxed me out at the merch table and another whose show-going fashion sense consisted of a redcross styled t-shirt that read “Orgasm Donor” and a giant rip in the back of his jeans just below his butt cheek that provided his girlfriend with easy access to fondle his ass. I think FotC draws a heady mix of hipsters, comedy lovers, and frippies (combination frat boy + hippies) who once heard “Business Time” at a pledge mixer and thought it was the funniest fucking thing since that Adam Sandler song about the spring in the seat of his old car poking him in the balls.
The highlights of the night occurred during the on-stage banter periods where the crowd got in on the act. Something you should know about Nashville is that we are a very interactive crowd. Everyone here is either in a band, or married to someone in a band, or related to someone in a band, and we’re used to having conversations with acts while they’re on stage. For alot of people, paying the ticket price means you’re entitled to have a 1 on 1 conversation with someone, live in front of an audeince, while they’re trying to do a show. It’s not heckling so much as a “how do ya do?” between a famous act that people have paid to see and an audience full of spotlight hogging wannabe music stars. And everyone– EVERYONE– in Nashville thinks they are the funniest person you’ve ever met, and that the things they yell out during shows are not only worth hearing, but will actually enhance your show-going experience.
There were the ubiquitous shouts of “Freebird!” and far too many dickholes shouting “Where’s Murray?” (to which Jemaine finally replied, “He’s in New Zealand. Go look for him”).
However, the best comment of the night came from someone stage left who, after a slew of southern accent impersonations from the guys, shouted in a pitch-perfect kiwi impersonation, “Why don’t you play the next one Jemaine?!”
And they did.
It was an incredible show. I wish I had some pictures to show you. I brought my camera… I really did. But once the show started, I didn’t really give a shit enough about taking pictures to bother taking it out and aiming it. Sorry! If you get the opportunity to see them live, don’t pass it up. Trust me, you won’t regret it. And make sure to yell for Jemaine. Bret gets alot of loud, flashy, floosy love, but we all know who is the real hottie here, right?
Right.
I am jealous! L-O-V-E FotC!
I am soooo jealous!!! They are coming here but ticket are like 120 and I’m broke so I probably will not go :( FotC ROCKS!!!
Kristen Schaal is one of the few funny stand-up comedians who are women. She has an interesting pov with her material, and her quirkiness really compliments her jokes, unlike many other comedians like her where the quirkiness is the joke.
I’m jealous because I didn’t get tickets for the Seattle show. :(
Kelly!!! You are awesome and this post just made me love ya even more. Jemaine and Brett rock! I’ve been trying to get tickets to the show but they are always sold out. *tear* loved reading this post
Woooo! I love FOTC! I’m going to their show in May. I so can’t wait.
Sorry you didn’t have the best time, Kelly.
You mispelled “audience” and “a lot” is 2 words, not 1. Also, in the John Mayer post you mispelled “gravitational.”
The concert sounds awesome!! I would have liked to fondle the ass of that orgasm donor.
you misspelled “misspell”. this is fun!
You know what’s kind of weird? I actually went to google to double check the spelling of that word b/c it’s one that I have a hard time with it, and it gave me a bunch of entires with that spelling in it- with just 1 s. Oh well.
You misspelled “entries” or you spelled “entires” correct and you are just a dumb ass.
DISCLAIMOR: Even if I misspelled anything… I have a big penis and don’t give a shit.
You don’t know what big is until you suck my clit.
So get to it.
That’s interesting, because when I type “mispell” into Google, it asks me if I meant “misspell”. Plus, even the comment box underlines mispell when you type it for a quick spell check.
I must have scrolled down and didn’t see the “did you mean…” thing at the top.
And depending on the computer I’m using, it doesn’t underline misspelled words in the comment boxes.
go to dictionary.com not google.
wait, you had to google for a correct spelling of a word in order to criticize someone else’s spelling? haha, that’s just too much!
I clearly said that the word “misspelled” is one that I have a hard time with. I’m a good speller, but even good spellers have words that they struggle with for some reason.
lol you failed TWICE Mercedes! Get a life!
What the hell is wrong with you BITCH??? I’M A FUCKIN COMMENTER, who gives a shit whether or not I screw up my words or misspell anything, I’M NOT THE FUCKIN WRITER!! God, YOU GET A LIFE for attacking me out of no where because YOU’RE A BITCH WITH NO PERSONALITY and need to take your nastiness out on someone.
And I don’t know what the hell is wrong with all these mean people here, but my comment wasn’t even meant to put Kelly down or to be judgemental! I have a lot of friends who aren’t good with spelling and I help them out all the time, so I just thought Kelly would like to know if her entries had some typos in them since she’s such a great writer and her posts here have been so freakin awesome. If she doesn’t, then who cares, she can ignore my comment and let it be, but why the hell do you guys want to pounce on a person at a moment’s notice? Then you wonder why people go on killing sprees…
Ha Ha Ha. Need a tampon?
it’s obviously a typo since she also spelled it correctly. this is not a literary magazine.
omg all of these comments are hilarious and wonderful
Hahah I agree.
They are coming to Santa Barbara and I cant wait to see them… and yes… there is something about Jemaine that is just so sexy and I cant pinpoint what it is… “unnatural love” BEST EPISODE!!
are you crazy????????? Bret is waaaaay hotter!
I agree Jemaine is the hot one!!!! And slightly funnier.
I’m going tonight to the show in Atlanta! So excited!
Ahh FotC are so great.
I’m glad I got to see them before they got really famous and left NZ…
I usually love your posts kelly, but honestly they are wayyyyyy too long lately. I check the site in between doing things i dont have time to read 5-10 full size paragraphs!
I think Bret is adorable but there is just something about Jemaine — no matter what he does I giggle like a school girl.
Kelly, I was there at the show too. I didn’t know you were from Nashville. I agree, the show last night was so funny, I was afraid that I might pee my pants. I agree, Jermaine’s features are NOT too deep set to be considered classically handsome… but he was incredibly handsome. I must say that one of the top three parts of the night was during one of the many encore’s in which they each shed their outer layers. Jermaine is jacket, Bret his button up. Underneath Bret’s button up was a worn black shirt with a white lion that had red rhinestone eyes.
Jemaine is too hot. No matter how dumb is the character he is playing, or how odd he is acting, he still has a lot of charm!
Plus, I think he is goodlooking.
soo true! jermaine is way hotter!
I LOVE the Rite Aid shout out here. XD
Fem Hygiene is like the best aisle to work in because it’s super easy to stock and straighten XD Now you know.
I have no idea who these jerks are – but this post is excellent.
Thank you for the link to “mummenschanz” – I finally understood the NewsRadio reference.
“And everyone– EVERYONE– in Nashville thinks they are the funniest person you’ve ever met, and that the things they yell out during shows are not only worth hearing, but will actually enhance your show-going experience.”
This was just such a hilarious description of so many concerts. Sigh.
I haven’t listened to enough FotC to know which one is which, but I think both of these guys are pretty smoking hot. A funny guy with a NZ accent will do it for me every time.
So stoked to see the boys from little ol’ NZ having such success overseas :)
Agreed, these boys are doing us Kiwi’s proud.
Choice bro!
I know most of you won’t believe me, but I am just going to share this anyways.
I went to a Flight of The Conchords show in May and I met them backstage. I lived in New Zealand with my uncle, who owns a bar and coffee shop in Wellington, he somehow has Bret’s email and asked to get me backstage after the show. Bret promptly replied saying that he’d put my name on the list. I’d actually met them when I was younger, but didn’t think much of it, they weren’t big back then, just drinking at my uncles bar, and having him setup gigs for them
After the show I went to my car, and Arj Barker walked right past me! When we got backstage, Bret greeted us with a friendly smile, put out his hand and introduced himself. He then yelled “Jemaine! Come here!” Jemaine ran around the corner saying “I want to get a picture, LET ME IN IT!” We got a picture, they signed shirts for us and we talked to them for about 20 minutes, just about life in NZ, how they liked Seattle, and Jemaine commented that I looked like Bret in the striped sweater I was wearing, and could be the offspring of the two of them. They were the two nicest people I’ve ever met, and I pretty much fell in love with Bret, Jemaine’s still the funnier one, but Bret just had the sweetest “little boy” type of personality. They’re hysterical, and all around nice guys.
Everyone, go see them, if you ever have the chance. And wait outside afterwards, I hear they go and meet fans!