If there are two people on this planet that I’d like to talk about less than Perez Hilton and John Mayer, I don’t know who they are. However, this must be discussed.
Last year, my least favorite non- blogger made the media rounds, letting everyone know that in December, 2006 he (allegedly!) made out with John Mayer. Tongue kissing-five minutes-Perez and John Mayer while Jessica Simpson rubbed Mayer’s crotch. I’m no fan of Perez but I totally believed this story based on the level of detail he provided coupled with my own assessment that John Mayer reminds me of every closeted gay guy I ever dated. Mayer has always denied this incident ever occurred, until now:
“He has to go tell people that I made out with him at a club. I never said anything, but you know what? Damn right I made out with him at a club. You know why? Because I can’t stand a gay guy who acts like he just turned gay yesterday. As soon as a guy is walking around all wild… I will fuck you in the ass to shut you up. You are not wilder than me. Once you judge me I will go ass to mouth with you just to shut you up. First of all, I was thinking about going gay until you turned into their spokesperson.
“I was thinking about going gay. Every man has thought about going gay. It’s usually like.. 2:23 in the morning you wake up. ‘Oh God, interesting!’ We seem to leave out the details, don’t we guys? Guys like fantasies without the details. ‘Oh yeah, I could blow a dude. Might taste like cherries.’ You know that smell at New York Sports Club? The locker room? That’s balls….
“The idea of blowing a guy, that’s not the problem. The problem is like he’d have some other detail that I didn’t think about, like a hangnail or a fucking class ring knocking into my forehead. Class of 98 just hitting me, or given my predilections Class of 72…
“Whatever, have a good time. Like I don’t know this stuff is going to end up somewhere and they’re going to act like it’s a surprise that it got there. I thought about this shit before I came out… who fucking cares. Have a good time.”
John did this stand up routine on the Mayercraft Concert Cruise. I didn’t know such an entity existed, but apparently it boils down to five days on a boat with John Mayer being subjected to John Mayer music and John Mayer confessions. I would throw myself overboard within the first seven hours minutes.
um…. what?
what?
seriously?…… and if you want to make out with a dude, at least pick someone hot… and not the devil.
hmmm. tres interesting.
annnd I just watched it. Can someone explain to me why people keep laughing? Ok thanks.
wait. this is probably an elaborate John Mayer april fool’s joke. that’s why the video landed today.
and yes I have insomnia. And an obvious addiction to EB. don’t hate
Who would you rather make out with Wendie or Perez or Beet?
I’d have to say first Wendie then Perez then Beet. They all have the same size boobs, but Wendie’s hot and atleast Perez will cook you bacon in the morning…
LOLLLLLLLLLL
Back with a vengence.
EB (when putting the effort in) has an undeniable gift. But some times the undeserved leg-humping around here is just sad.
You are a breath of fresh air, TSS.
Wendie,
I really like all of the women at Evil Beet. All three of you fucking rock! I am on this site everyday. But please, do not EVER write about Perez Hilton again. I just threw up in the trash can next to my desk.
Is it just me, or is he doing a Dane Cook impression?
I would like to talk John Mayer about the Church of Sciensuckingcockology.
This bitch can be my fluffer I MEAN High Priestess!
Wow…that’s just offensive. I just lost some respect for John Mayer. He has no right to bash gay men like that. I realize its a comedy routine, but still.
what is he on about?!
Jennifer Anniston does have gonads, too, unless she had a hysterectomy that I have not heard about.
Mayer is fucking weirdo. And Perez is GROSS!
Yeah, Mayer’s an asshole of the highest degree. See, he uses words like that and phrases, etc., and tries to make it seem like comedy. Only it ain’t. His assholeness is shining through. Did the same thing with a racial spew in NYC a while back. Tried to play it off. He’s talented with a guitar but he’s just a douche without the bag.
Perez needs to disappear…right about now would be good. Sheesh what a nasty piece of work he is…
This guy has been left alone with his thoughts for way too long.