Oh. My. God.
So I’m having dinner with a friend tonight. He reads my blog and so knows about all my celebrity crushes. And he’s like, “Okay, let’s rank them. Who do we have? Michael Phelps, of course. And Patrick Stewart. And Adrian Grenier. Oh, and Adam Duritz. And who else is in your top five? Christian Bale? Rank them from one to five.” And so we go through the process, and Adam Duritz came out on top, and my friend’s like “Really? Even with the fat?” And I thought about it, and I was like, “Ya know, maybe not with the fat. Because I tend to have clitoral orgasms, so I need to be able to rub up against the pelvic bone during sex, and with a really fat guy I couldn’t do that, so maybe me and Adam wouldn’t work after all.” So then I thought maybe Adrian would be on top, or Michael Phelps — if we wrapped the American flag around his face — and Patrick Stewart always comes in fifth because, although he is hot, he is undoubtedly old.
Here’s the point.
None of this matters anymore.
Because Chelsea Handler gets me wetter than any of those dudes combined.
Chelsea, baby, I love you in a way I didn’t know I could love. Your genius inspires me in a way I didn’t know I could be inspired. I want to be a part of you and scoop out some of you and keep it for myself. Is that gross? Chelsea, love, I don’t care. You are my everything, Chelsea Handler, you are my world, you are my future, and your genius is as boundless as my admiration for you.
So random that you mention Chelsea tonight. I had a horrific evening at work resulting in a few beers from the bodega and Chelsea’s bio on the stoop of my apt. Funny thing is I continually mixed both your lives together. You are one in the same.
Thank you for the laughs and good times.
Hey Beet, you’ve got a bit of a Ronson vibe going with your posts today! I’m picturing your Mom reading your site and then running down the street to hide behind some random Arab/Asian dude! Ha ha! :-)
(I’m being good and keeping all of my wet-Beet images and commentary to myself! ;-) Though I wouldn’t mind getting you back over to our team! Sorry you had to read that Beet’s mom! :-))
That was funny!
Gotta love Chelsea.
LMAO!
I think Chelsea should team up with The Soup.
Now that would be television.
LOL! This is why this blog is so much better than Perezzzzz.
Do you think Chelsea Handler (to be honest, I don’t know who she is… I know, I know… apparently that is blasphemy on this site/// she hasn’t made it down this way yet) Googles herself on occasion and sees Evil Beet’s posts? :-)
This entry made me vomit. Imagining your gross naked fat ass on top of anything is disgusting.
If you love chelsea handler so much you should be on her show. You could be her fat lesbian side kick… Love Handler.
I guess I’m in the minority….I don’t like CH. She’s just not funny to me. I read a book of hers a few years ago thinking it would be hilarious, but it was just full of nothing but “trying too hard” un-funniness (which according to the red line is not even a word..even with a hyphen). I watch her show when there’s nothing else on, but never on purpose. And there is NO WAY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH that she is only 2 years older than me. 12 maybe, but not 2.
Sorry.
BUT if you ever get to go on her show, I will watch. And record it. Because I think you’re the beetiest beet ever!
Wow, TSS. That’s pretty harsh!
I love Chelsea Handler…she’s hilarious!
beet: at some point in life did you kill or injure someone that tss cared about? those are the only things that i can think of to justify someone disliking you so intensely and yet still bothering to post on your blog. seems a bit obsessive to me. oh well, keep laughing all the way to the bank.
how’s the diet, not smoking, exercise going?
ROFL
This blog post made me laugh insanely hard.
And yeah, she is so great, that was a good laugh.
You too should team up, that would be amazing.
Beet, since you seem to be torn between your affection for both Lindsay Lohan and Chelsea Handler, might I offer a suggestion that would benefit everyone, including your faithful readers. Do them both!! And, PLEASE, when and if you do, remember to video tape it so that we all can share in the fun. I look forward to seeing the three of you taking turns on your backs with yor toes pointed up toward the ceiling while yor bare asses bounce up and down on the bed. Watch out for Chelsea. I’ll bet she’s a screamer.
Two*
Damn you late nights…
and by team up I meant do a show together..minds out of the gutter please! haha
AAAHHHHHHhahahahahahaahhahahahahahahha
Maybe we could take her together :-P
Funny you. You’re the beet beet beet of my heart.
Where’s my post?
Ok. Well, that wasn’t very nice. TSS can get away with posting all kinds of nasty stuff, but I can’t post anything regarding how I don’t necessarily care for CH? It wasn’t even mean!
Where’s my post?
Ok. Well, that wasn’t very nice. TSS can get away with posting all kinds of nasty stuff, but I can’t post anything regarding how I don’t necessarily care for CH? It wasn’t even mean!
Oops. Nevermind. I see it. It’s still pending approval for some reason…
And sorry for the double post…You don’t have to approve those or this one.
Beet,
“I got one adjective for you. And that is HHHARRRDD”…. Ahahahaha.
thats was HILARIOUS!!!! its funny how the same thing would probably happen if the real jonas bros, miley cyrus and selena whatever-her-las-name-is was on the show!!!
That clip was some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever seen. OMG. Chelsea’s comedy is way too under appreciated.
Mark
ugh, it’s okay. ch is okay. wasn’t she on that mtv show about [eople playing thses pranks on one another? what was that called? they had about 10 minutes before the other person flipped out?
jemms…
I don’t know about the MTV show, but she was on another show “Girls Behaving Badly”. I watched it maybe once or twice…and didn’t think it was that funny, either.
I guess I just don’t have a sense of humor. I think the fetus living within me at the moment has started to suck the life out of me.
oh! i remembered the show…. it was called “Boiling Point(s)” i googled it. it was on about 4 to maybe 5 years ago. anyway, that is where i first saw her.
i remember watching this lol…Beet you should go on her show!!!!! that would be awsome lol i saw perez on there the otherday..he was pretty lame but anyway shes so funny lmao
Disgusting!!!!
Beet — Do we really need to hear about your clitoris all the time..? I mean, how horny can you be..? Get a boy .. or girl.. or device!
Remember: No body wants a horny cow under the fence…..
ick
Is it bad that I didn’t figure out it wasn’t the real Jonas Brothers right away?
LOL!! Nick, Joe, and the other one!!!