Once their Real World fame is over, Real Worlders are, tragically, forced back into the actual real world, and it’s not always pretty.
Exhibit A: A tipster sends us an application Real World: Australia cast member Shauvon Torres sent to a San Diego PR agency. It’s really one of the funnier things I’ve come across this year. I’ll start by saying that the photo above? Was included as a part of her application. (Tipster: “Is she going to wear that to work?”)
The short cover letter contains this sentence:
I would appreciate the opportunity to meet with you and show you the detection and great energy i have, if given the opportunity!
I’m not even going to talk about her refusal to capitalize the word “I” here. Instead, I’m going to focus on the “detection” she plans to apply to all the murder cases they deal with at Southern California public relations agencies. I honestly pondered this for hours before I realized she meant to say “dedication.”
I thought about copying and pasting her entire resume here, as the whole thing is just that funny, but instead I’m just going to highlight some of my favorite parts.
First, I will personally send $50 to anyone who can successfully create a sentence graph for her objective:
To obtain a position in the field I desire to grow and excel with as exceed my company’s expectations.
I’ve looked at this forward, backward and sideways, and it just doesn’t fit into the pattern I’ve come to recognize as “English.”
She also uses three full lines (of a three-page resume for an entry-level job) to talk about these very applicable skills she learned in college:
Mathematics: Trigonometry, Statistics, and Pre-Calculus
Science: Biology, General Chemistry, and General Physics
Computer knowledge
Trigonometry! Thank goodness! Because you cannot properly represent a PR client without a thorough understanding of the side-angle-side theorem.
And another one of my favorite parts, under experience:
MTV REAL WORLD 19 2007; 3months
Sydney, Australia
Actress
~Reality Television show
~Travel
~Film
I just, ugh, you guys, I can’t even talk about this or my head will explode. Oh, and the tildes? Those were on her actual resume. In Word. Like she’s never heard of a resume wizard.
Another bright spot of experience:
THE HORNET NEWSPAPER 2006-2007
Sacramento, CA
Columnist
~Weekly Newspaper
~Produced and wrote own material for a column, that was published online and in print.
~Name of column; Sexcapdes
Sweetie. You can go ahead and leave the name of the column out next time, okay? Until you wind up auditioning for porn in three months. Then you can include the name. But leave out the semi-colon. Porn directors will settle for a regular colon there. In fact, anyone with a basic understanding of punctuation will.
Then she talks about how she was basically one of the girls in mini-skirts and bras running around a bar shilling for various liquor companies, which she names as “Smirnoff, Captain Morgan, Tattoo, Tangerey, Red Stripe, and Many more.” Now, I actually missed this one, but a friend of mine whom I forwarded this to mentioned that she misspelled “Tanqueray” there.
Okay I think I’m done ranting about this now. It’s just kind of sad to see these kids’ fifteen minutes of fame up and watch them flounder in a world where real skills count for something. And by “sad” I mean “hilarious.”
Wait isn’t she the one that left the show to be with her boyfriend? What that did not work out? Maybe she could apply for brain surgeon next.
She is what in Europe we would call ‘chav’ and in the US ‘white trash’
Beet – you kill me!
As someone who has seen hundreds of resumes, I will tell you that if I read something as stupid as that first part, it would have been in the circular file immediately. Well, more like after I showed it to people and we laughed about it for a while. I had one once that said
“I am very enthusiasm about learning new things”
You do have to wonder if people are aware of spell and grammar check on their computer.
oh my…….that is beyond sad!
This resume would have been fine….for applying at a strip club.
okay so my idea for that sentence would be.
(I would like) To obtain a position in the field I desire to grow and excel (in) (and) exceed my company’s expectations.
thats just my idea. lol
<333Rachel
rachel- that’s exactly what i was about to post!
I have worked as a Career Counslor at several LARGE Universities, reviewed literally thousands of resumes, and unfortunatly this is not anywhere near the worst resume I have ever seen. Now if she acutally included her measurments and that her long term goal was to draw Japanese porn comic books, she could be in the running.
LOVE that she sent a picture. LOVE LOVE LOVE it.
And Beet, Resume Wizard is from the devil, seriously. Evil incarnate.
I’m glad you figured out “dedication” because I was getting a headache. I kept reading that line trying to follow, and finally moved on.
I’m upset about the column “Sexcapdes.” She couldn’t spell the name of her own column???
Oh, goodness…thanks for sharing!
LoL/ She is really sexy!!! I have ever seen her hot video on the wealthy dating club –W e a l t h y D a t e r . c o m– for hot guys and girls
to hook up each other. She is really sexy with bikini in that video.
I’m too slow to get to the site, I agree with Rachel, that was what I was going to write too!
Thanks! I just showed this to a friend and we’re still laughing.
haha what a reTARD
That’s awesome.
I once received a resume where the guy actually added what kind of car he drove. And a picture of him standing in front of it!!!!! It was Camaro-ish.
Tell me, at any point, did orangilicious Shauvon up there misuse the word “myself?” Because that is my pet peeve. Sounds like a hockey interview.
For those of you that love bad writing, if you don’t already know it, check out this site: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/.
I don’t watch The Real World, and I have never heard of this girl before! I just checked out her Wiki to find out who the hell she is and here’s what I found:
“Shauvon is a 24-year-old journalism major at the California State University Sacramento, and as she says in the premiere, wants to be a news reporter. She has her own dating and relationships column called “Sexcapades”. She insists that she is not the blonde bimbo that people may think she looks like. She recently ended a long-term relationship with a man who told her she had to choose between a career and marriage and children. She later reconciles with him, and moves out in Episode 14 in order to return home.”
bahahahahaha.
i love you beet.
It is still bullshit, yet I think, with a little help from 5th grade english, she was attempting to say:
My goal is to obtain a position where I can grow and excel, as well as, exceed my company’s expectations.
Granted, I think I may have only used about 5 of her original words there. Perhaps it is good she is applying at a PR firm. Then she will hopefully have someone around to write that stuff for her.
i need more!
God, that’s awful. My take on what she’s trying to say:
“Goal: To obtain a position in the field I desire (and) to grow and excel [with] (in)(,) [as] (and) exceed my company’s expectations.
i’m still laughing
My go:
Original: To obtain a position in the field I desire to grow and excel with as exceed my company’s expectations.
Translated: [to obtain a position] [in the field] (;) [I desire to grow and excel with] (so) [as (to) exceed my company’s expectations]
So she was saying: “I want to grow and excel in PR while exceeding my company’s expectations.”
Although in hindsight, I’m betting that after they read this resume, if she appeared at all she’d be “exceeding expectations”.
I’m figuring that sentence was more a stream of consciousness type of thing or perhaps copied and pasted from other resumes. (The former is probably more likely.)
In any event, it made me shudder.
Of course, the sad thing is this… there are probably thousands of guys that would run right over and fix her a top notch resume if she only wiggled a little. (Probably a few women as well.)
Nah you’ve all got it PROFOUNDLY and UTTERLY wrong; it’s an application for a Will-Be-Leaked-In-The-Near-Future SEX TAPE. Yes, it’s a booming business for which they now have to send resumes. Trigonometry could prove quite useful in that department, no? But generally, the worse your grammar is, and the lower your intelligence, the better chance you stand of succeeding. Oh…and having a massive rack.
oops…meant to say, “and having a massive rack helps [to improve your chance of success in that industry] too”.
Oh, and on this: “you the detection and great”;
In Microsoft Word, if you type “detecation” and select spell check, “detection” is the first word to pop up.
My guess would be she spelled it phonetically as she heard it, clicked the spell check, and went on.
She doesn’t need to be able to spell-
she’s a blonde with big yubs.
She’ll do just fine for herself,
much like Pam Anderson.
I cannot believe you deciphered “dedication” out of “detection”. You are truly a genius, as far as I’m concerned. I was having brain explosions trying to figure it out!
Lmaoooooooo Beet.. I love it when you get mean, i just love you so much right now, you make me laugh a lot.
Oh yeah, and about the resume.. I mean, come on.. How do you expect to get a real job with that picture and that resume… lmao it was hillarious though..
She probably thinks this is how you get someone to help you get booked for events like tanning lotion pageants. she’s applying for an agent.
and tilde is a great word.
This is well funny! Tha Beet, you saved my day :)
I know pimps that receive better resumes.
One word: HIRED!
Under “experience,” she lists
~Travel
Ba hahahahaha!
after thinking about it, I’ve realized what she wanted to say. (I used to help my friend with their english assignments, and they were pretty bad so I have experience, I’m portuguese, see…)
To obtain a position in the field I desire to grow and excel with as exceed my company’s expectations.
In order to achieve a successful carrer in this field, I realize I need, and I hope i will be able to grow and to be an excellent profissional as well as corresponding to the expectations of my employers.
it’s not the best phrasing, but i think it’s understandable
LOL Oh I get it, she was soooo busy studying for physics and chemistry, she didn’t have time to study for Comp I. Wow, she must really know her math and science.
I just… Can’t… :D
Original: To obtain a position in the field I desire to grow and excel with as exceed my company’s expectations.
My version: To obtain a position in the field I desire, to grow and excel with–and exceed–my company’s expectations.
Yeah, it’s still barely coherent.
I think a resume written by a high school freshman would have sounded more professional and literate. Is she from one of those agencies that try to place people with disabilities out into the work force inspite of being mentally challanged?
she should apply for greeter at walmart.
omg i just looked at this again and saw the 2 main issues:
– it is a PR firm and she is showing her ineptitude at representing herself.
– her work experience is as a writer, which she obviously SUCKS at.
this has got to be a joke.
Original: To obtain a position in the field I desire to grow and excel with as exceed my company’s expectations.
Goal: To obtain a position in the field of Public Relations; to grow, excel and exceed the expectiotions of my employer.
And to smear the lense of all cameras i come in contact with with a thick yet evenly distributed layer of Vaseline so that i do not have to sprain my brain with evolving my “computer knowledge” to include airbrushing thru photoshop. Measurments available upon request.
What a stupid fucking moronic whore. She should DIE.
im literally in tears from laughter… terrible
Ok so this posting is from 2008 but I just learned of this girl because my friend met her at some random bar in San Diego and eventually had sex with her. I googled her and came across this article and it is just so f’n hilarious! I hope I never have to meet her cuz I will just not be able to not make fun of her. FYI she is a bartender in San Diego and very lonely…
Holy smokes Jane Doe. My buddy also met her at a bar , on NYE 2009. He ended up bringing this dingbat back to my place for a while, before he took her home and slept with her.