Stephen and the Amazing Technicolor Spice Girls Tattoo

I have been looking for an excuse to run the photo of Stephen’s full-color Spice Girls tattoo on this blog forever. There were two problems: I didn’t have an excuse, and I didn’t have a photo.

I now have a photo.

So I’m making up an excuse.

Tonight, for the first time since my “vacation” started, I actually had a chance to go out and party with my friends. I met up with Stephen and Rebecca, two of my best friends from high school, at Zen 32, our old sushi hangout. Stephen — if you hadn’t already surmised from the fact that he has a full-color Spice Girls tattoo on his hip — is of the gay persuasion, and, even back in high school, was so far out of the closet he was practically in the front yard. In fact, my clearest memory of Stephen from high school is that if you got a box of milk from the cafeteria and gave it to him, he would do an incredible impression of an ejaculating penis in the school quad. (His clearest memory of me, it turns out, also involves a white-ish substance, but that’s a story for a blog my grandfather doesn’t read.) Rebecca is straight, but I wish she were gay, because I would totally go gay for her. She’s that awesome. Rebecca may be the funniest person on the planet. Everyone agrees that she’s Kathy Griffin in training.

Anyway, we’re sitting around the table and Stephen’s like, “Could you please post on your blog how much Chris Crocker sucks?” And I’m like “Actually, Stephen, I love Chris Crocker.” And Stephen’s like “Dude, he represents every untrue negative stereotype about gay men.” And I’m like, “Um … says the boy with the full-color Spice Girls tattoo?” And he’s like “Whatever. I think we should drag him out to the end of the Santa Monica Pier and throw him off. You need to post on your blog that a respectable gay man thinks that we should drown Chris Crocker.” And I was about to reiterate the whole thing about the Spice Girls tattoo when Rebecca chimes in like, “Um, you realize that’s homophobia?” And I’m like “Yeah, that would pretty clearly be a hate crime.” And Stephen’s like “Well I do hate him!” So there you have it, folks: an alternate perspective on Chris Crocker. And people say this blog is one-sided …

Then we headed over to BS West, the hottest gay club in Scottsdale, which was totally packed and awesome. I mean, where else can you hear the dance mix of Britney Spears’ “Piece of Me”? Nowhere else, that’s where. There were soooo many gorgeous men, all perfectly dressed and coiffed. I got my ass and tits grabbed by more hot men in twenty minutes than in the entirety of my dating life combined. I was like, “This is so unfair. All these beautiful men and none of them will have sex with me.”

This way hot guy standing next to me overheard me. He looks at me sympathetically and says, “They won’t have sex with me either. I’m a top.”

And I’m one of those people — if you hadn’t guessed — who’s used to getting what she wants, and doesn’t respond well to any variant outcome. So when I spotted a tall, blond, built, gorgeous man in the corner (who I wanted) I turned to Rebecca like “Do you think he’s gay?” And Rebecca’s like, “Yes, he’s gay, I saw him with his boyfriend earlier.” And of course I’m like, “Do you think it’s worth maybe asking?” And Rebecca’s like “No. No it is not.” But then he walked right past me and I just had to ask. I was like, “Look, I’ll be the easiest lay ever. Please?” He smiled and was like, “Sweetie, my mom would be a much happier woman if I could be into you, but I’m just not,” and I was like, “We can leave your mom out of it. I’m just talking, like, you and me, in the bathroom,” but he wasn’t having it. Sad face. I got no ass at the gay club.

Then we went back to my car, got my camera, and did a little photo shoot with Leo. The pics from that are adorable, but unfortunately I still don’t have the cord for the camera so those’ll have to get posted later.

Anyway, the whole point of this was to have an excuse to run a photo of Stephen’s Spice Girls tattoo, which I absolutely adore. So there you have it. Tell your friends.