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The Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape?

April 14, 2008
Evil Beet
Marilyn Monroe
45 Comments

Marilyn Monroe in White Bathing Suit, Pictures, Photos

I swear to you, if they had video cameras in the caveman era, we’d have footage of caveman celebrities giving blow jobs. Did they have celebrities in the caveman era? I bet they did, but they were probably, like, warrior heroes or something. I bet they’d’ve made videos of their warrior heroes clubbing women and dragging them off to have sex. And trying to shove, like, warrior wine canisters up their vaginas. You think kinkiness is a modern world thing? I bet not. I bet some of those ancient caveman “artifacts” they have in museums were up a vagina at some point in time. Why do I think like this? I’m so weird.

Anyway.

The New York Post is reporting that there may be a Marilyn Monroe sex tape in circulation. It shows Marilyn performing oral sex on a man whose face is outside the camera frame.

I guess the original was confiscated by the FBI (Seriously? The FBI can confiscate sex tapes? Could they just, like, confiscate Paris Hilton? And redact most parts of her? Please?), but an illegal copy was made years ago, and recently sold on the black market for $1.5 million. The buyer is an unidentified man known only as a “wealthy New York businessman.”

Oh, you know this is Donald Trump.

Says the man who brokered the deal: “He said he’s just going to lock it up. He said, ‘I’m not going to make a Paris Hilton out of her. I’m not going to sell it, out of respect.'”

This is such bullshit. You know what this is? This is the best way to get new clients in the history of wealthy New York businessmen. You know this dude’s all cold-calling people and being like, “Hey, sign this deal with me, and I’ll have you over for a screening of the Marilyn Blow Job tape.”

It’s soooo Donald Trump.

Side note: I LOVE this picture of Marilyn. You know why? Because she looks like she weighs about what I weigh. And she was STILL a sex symbol. Love it!

45 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Yeh, she’s cushy…..guys like that.

    1.5 mil……that’s a good deal for Donald. …….beans

  • You know what I love about the picture? There’s not a single hotel or condo in sight. (sigh, the good old days)

  • “And trying to shove, like, warrior wine canisters up their vaginas.”

    Really Beet, you will lose this reader if you write smut like that. I enjoy your writing put that crosses boundaries.

  • The tape has been in circulation for a while if you read and do your research correctly.

    The 1.5 million dollars was for the the “ONLY COPY” of the original. Still weird of that dude to buy it though.

  • I was TOTALLY thinking what you wrote, about how luscious M.M. is in this pic! Love the sexiness of cushion! The rest of the stuff… good reporting, but hell, we’ve all given blow jobs! (Well, the majority of us.) We just weren’t all filmed doing it. No biggie!

  • Marilyn does look luscious in this pic, and in many other pics, for that matter. She remains one of the best exemplars of ‘curvy.’

    I appreciate your assumption that the wealthy NY businessman was DT. And I might be in the smaller group on this, but I hope that the tape never sees the public light of day. I’ll appreciate Marilyn, flawed that she was, without the modern day salaciousness.

  • Contrary to what Shannon said – I thought that what you wrote was pretty funny beet! And I think that since it’s your blog you should write what you want.

  • Shannon,
    The smut is a reference to a modern celebrity sex tape. I laughed my ass off. Good one, beet.

  • Yeah, my first thought on seeing this pic was “why can’t we go back to this standard of beauty?” I would be a goddess! Dang, I’m actually thinner than she is in this picture, and I wouldn’t be caught dead exposing my thighs, tummy or upper arms in public anymore. Whine. I’m sick of seeing Heidi Montag-type bodies all over the media, feeling like crap about myself because I don’t look like that, and then going to the mall and realizing I’m still thinner than like 95% of the people there. Okay, I live in NC where morbid obesity is the state pastime, but whatever. Please, God, before I die, let this standard of beauty come back!

    • hey chill bout ur looks, i do enjoy the old standard of beauty, celebs now are way to skinny like bones and m.m. had a great body but an amazing face

  • Actually, Monroe was rumored to be a size 14 (which is like today’s size 10-12). And Liz Hurley said she’d hate to be fat like Marylin was. So actually beet, you’re smaller than she was.

  • I believe that I read somewhere that there is a sex tape (locked up in some government vault) of Lady Di sucking some guy’s cock. Actually, I think it’s a pretty safe bet that most, if not all, female celebrities have had a guy’s cock in their mouths from time to time.

  • stop posting spyware/virus/crappy links you idiot sand do us a favor and commit suicide you pathetic worthless bad-DNA fat gays (I’m talking about noneshallol, drderekdf3, tonyminigan, and frank-the-faggot)

  • She wouldnt have become a sex symbol if she was always this size. She became a sex smbol when she was much more petit and younger.. the fact that she continued to sleep with the rich and famous kept her in the spotlight, and kept her a sex symbol.

    Sorry fatties.. its not gonna happen. OH .. well you’ll be considered hot by the increasing number of chubby men that we have, but not among the healthy.

    • i bet you a million dollars dave b is a hairy old lonely fat ass living in his moms basement who has nothing better to do than write bullshit comments on random websites. i do not consider marilyn to be fat at all in this picture and i think she looks beautiful. alot of men prefer women to be normal sized. thats part of being a woman is being soft and curvy and having an ass and breasts. you can keep screwing your skeletons that look like dudes whos asses were sucked inside their bodies…that is if you get laid at all which i doubt.

  • Well, honestly you all are sorta …. WRONG. Marilyn Monroe was loved for her size. She was the deffinition of “Curvy” she was a beatiful girl. I don’t think she looks as if she weighs a ton in this pic at all, yes she is bigger than your modern skinny mini but I believe that her figure was way better than some popsicle stick looking girl with no curves.Don’t take this as if I am some huge chick posting this because I am the girl at school who runs miles a day. And here’s a quote from her “Sex is a part of nature, I just go along with nature” and ya know what? That is totally true. So the fact that there is a sex tape of hers out there somewhere is nothing huge, leave her alone. She was a pretty girl that did some… wild stuff. And she was flawed but she was great.

  • the reason the FBI tried to keep it under wraps was because the man who’s getting the bj is supposedly JFK

    • omh finally i was waiting for someone to say this, yeah they say M.M. and jfk had a huge love affair and they say the father or the government itself had her kkilled to look like an over dose to protect the million dollar presidential kenady name.

  • Height: 5 feet, 5½ inches 166.62 (centimeters)

    Weight: 118 pounds 53.5 kilograms

    Measurements (dressmaker’s claim):
    35-22-35 (inches) 88.9 – 55.8 – 88.9 (centimeters)

    Measurements( studio’s claim):
    37-23-36 (inches) 93.9 – 58.4 – 91.4 (centimeters)

    So how can anyone say that she was big? There aren’t too many people that have a 22 or 23″ waist. Back in those days, she was considered more so curvaceous than others, but now…she still has those beautiful womanly curves, but she is smaller than the average woman today! She was, and always will be a blond bombshell with a perfect hourglass figure.

  • Does she look like a size 18? I highly doubt it…You know how messed up woman’s sizes are… I guess we’ll never know for sure…but being a hug fan of hers and getting multiple bios, those measurements should be quite accurate.

  • omg, i know, her weight makes me happy too, since she is like alomst exactly what i weigh, i cant say exactly cuz we all fluctuate but u know wut i mean. i wish i didn’t see images of stick-skinny people everywhere though. and i love ur comments, ur so hilarious XD

  • I still don’t understand what the big fascination is with these anorexic looking girls. It seems that in todays world there are mainly the above mentioned and the obese. Marilyn is the ultimate in beauty. Not fat, not anorexic, just properly proportioned. What really drives me nuts is when a girl who actually has curves starts complaining that she is fat. For the record, Paris Hilton makes me want to projectile vomit! BTW Good blog.

  • Theres no way its marilyn. Only a look a like. I’ve seen alot of early pics and later pics and there is no way its her. She is the best. With all these wanna be’s like paris hilton, britney,lohan,etc. They could never fill her shoes. Gals like them are slutty and trashy. They don’t have the sex appeal and class like marilyn. It makes me sick that in order to be sexy you have to be pencil thin.

  • This is such bullshit!!!!!!Evil Beet/Caveman celebrities giving blow jobs. Did they have celebrities in the caveman era? I bet they did, but they were probably, like, warrior heroes or something. I bet they’d’ve made videos of their warrior heroes clubbing women and dragging them off to have sex. And trying to shove, like, warrior wine canisters up their vaginas. You think kinkiness is a modern world thing? I bet not. I bet some of those ancient caveman “artifacts” they have in museums were up a vagina at some point in time…….

    In my opinion there is enought shit on the web without Mr Joe Blog adding more! Fair enought you want to talk about a possible sex tape of Miss Monroe but why the cave men stuffing objects into his rape victim rant we are talking about pre stone age here which would mean any vaginal insertion = death!!!!! love the pic + Miss Monroe but hate idiots which you clearly are………

  • Evil Beet, Marilyn doesn’t look that big. I think it is because they are down low shooting up at her face, “no pun intended”! To all of you “hefty gals” that are saying, “ooh men like the cushin”. No they don’t. Unless they is a brotha! Why do you think guys open cereal boxes from the wrong end? It not because they are stupid and don’t know which end is up, its that they don’t want to have to dig thru all of that cereal to get to the prize!

    ChrisDMus, pull the freaking stick out! It was a joke! Mr. vaginal insertion = death! OMG! You probably need to go hang out with (Ms. Perez Hilton) “the blogger from the Miss USA pageant”. It sounds to me like your just jealous because its not being inserted into you! I personally will never see the Museum of Natural History the same again. I can’t wait to go check out the Stone Age dill do’s !

  • read MY SISTER MARYLIN by Bernice and Mona Rae Miracle (Norma jean’s half sister and niece). It might help you guys focus on the beautiful person she was, rather than her sex life. also, THE SECRET LIFE OF MARYLIN MONROE by John Huston. i have not read this one yet, but he was someone who knew her well.
    remember, she was more than just a sex symbol, she was a real human being with emotions and ambitions… I heard a quote about her the other day that resonated with me “SHE WAS ONE OF THE MOST UNAPPRECIATED PEOPLE IN THE WORLD” .. i feel this is accurate.. so appreciate how wonderful she really was and lay off the sex scandal.