Hello. So, I have been transported to my father's house, where, if and when I die of this cholera, at least my body will be discovered promptly. I was forcibly removed from my bed and dragged in front of a TV, where I was made to eat salmon, but successfully resisted consumption of the single piece of broccoli placed on my plate ("For," explained my father, "presentation value," and I expressed my gratitude at his decision to use my final moments on earth to perfect his Top Chef audition.) I survived from about Best Supporting Actor to Best Actress, which I consider quite a run for someone with late-stage cholera, and then I had to go back to bed. Luckily, the entirety of the Oscars is already available on video, and I'm going to bring it to you here. Above, we have Jon Stewart's opening monologue, and, after the jump, more goodies from the first hour and a half. We'll have the rest of it up for you later tonight, if I survive that long. If I do not, I am confident that Lars and Evil T will post the rest. Read More /> Hello. So, I have been transported to my father's house, where, if and when I die of this cholera, at least my body will be discovered promptly. I was forcibly removed from my bed and dragged in front of a TV, where I was made to eat salmon, but successfully resisted consumption of the single piece of broccoli placed on my plate ("For," explained my father, "presentation value," and I expressed my gratitude at his decision to use my final moments on earth to perfect his Top Chef auditi...

So, um, I know I'm basically like a factory of excuses these days, and I understand that the overwhelming majority of you hate me right now, but just as soon as my life and my posting got back into a normal swing, I came down with that awful flu that's sweeping the nation. I'm basically immobile. I have been sleeping for nearly 48 hours straight at this point. Seriously, I get up every 7-8 hours to pee and eat a bowl of cereal, and then I'm back down for the count. I have never been this pervasively exhausted in my whole life. I am genuinely worried that my heart is going to take a nap, too, and then I'll be dead. I would go to the hospital but I'm sure I smell really bad right now and I'm too tired/afraid of falling asleep and drowning to shower and I don't want to leave the house looking this way. So anyway. I am going to do my damndest to stay conscious for the Oscars tonight so I can try to write about them tomorrow, but, until then, my good friend Laremy over at Film.com is doing some pretty exhaustive Oscars coverage. He's a damn funny guy, and I'd encourage you all to head over there and check it out. Click here to read. />So, um, I know I'm basically like a factory of excuses these days, and I understand that the overwhelming majority of you hate me right now, but just as soon as my life and my posting got back into a normal swing, I came down with that awful flu that's sweeping the nation. I'm basically immobile. I have been sleeping for nearly 48 hours straight at this point. Seriously, I get up every 7-8 hours to pee and eat a bowl of cereal, and then I'm back down for the count. I have never been this pervasively...

REM's back with a new album, Accelerate. Here's the video for the first single, "Supernatural Superserious." Thoughts? />...