Hello.
So, I have been transported to my father’s house, where, if and when I die of this cholera, at least my body will be discovered promptly.
I was forcibly removed from my bed and dragged in front of a TV, where I was made to eat salmon, but successfully resisted consumption of the single piece of broccoli placed on my plate (“For,” explained my father, “presentation value,” and I expressed my gratitude at his decision to use my final moments on earth to perfect his Top Chef audition.)
I survived from about Best Supporting Actor to Best Actress, which I consider quite a run for someone with late-stage cholera, and then I had to go back to bed.
Luckily, the entirety of the Oscars is already available on video, and I’m going to bring it to you here. Above, we have Jon Stewart’s opening monologue, and, after the jump, more goodies from the first hour and a half. We’ll have the rest of it up for you later tonight, if I survive that long. If I do not, I am confident that Lars and Evil T will post the rest.
Great Oscar Moments of the Past
Tilda Swinton Wins Best Supporting Actress
Javier Bardem Wins Best Supporting Actor
Beet, get well soon! Your dad won’t let you die! He’s the best doc in Phoenix!!!
Cholera?
as the Vibrio Cholerae disease?
r u sure?
get well!
man, I’m glad you have it and not me… all that stomach acid and bile leaves your throat and ass all kinds of tore up. just drink lots and lots of water to rehydrate your system. maybe try a few pieces of toast? at any rate… get better. stomach flu is a real bitch and a half, beet. I know, I’m finally recovered from the massive strain that seemed to have swept it’s hairy armpits all over the country. Water, bread, and sleep. It’s all you can do, honeybunches.
and cholera? lol… are we in Oregon Trail now? Uh oh, your cattle just died… now you’ll have to eat your first born. Wheel just busted? Get your drunk fuck of an uncle out there to kick it up himself.