Hi There.

How are you? My name is Spiteful Lars. I’m hoping we can be friends.

I used to blog here quite often, back in the day, I think I even had like one person who liked my work. It was pretty nice. But then Beet yelled at me over my tenth Justin Guarini column in a row (I love him) and I said “I don’t need this anymore!!” I might have thrown a vase too. I don’t know, it was pretty heated and the Beet can be a lot to handle during a fight as she’s all teeth.

Anyway, she’s called me like every day since then, begging to have me back, even going so far as to send me a strip-o-gram and some smoked salmon. But I don’t easily forgive. That’s why I’m Spiteful.

Then last week she mentioned she wanted to take some time off and she was all “c’mon jerk-head, just do this ONE thing for me, you’ve been letting women down your whole life” and I had to nod my head (and how does she know about my love life??).

So I’m back!

Now, though we love each other Beet and I are very different. My goal this week is to make you smile, as if you were listening to a Lionel Richie song. I know that’s a HUGE goal, but that’s just how I do it. I was going to look for some of my previous Beet columns, to prove my cred, but I think some of them are so old they had headlines like “Listen Y’all, I really think Britney is going to figure this thing out on her own!” which is just beyond embarrassing at this point.

That’s all for now, I promise the next post will be gossipy, and quite possibly muy delicioso. I’m at the control panel and ready to rock.

Yours,

Spiteful Lars